What the HELL Is THAT Doing on My Boob?

What the HELL Is That Doing on My Boob? @foxywinepocket #humor

I found a black hair on my nipple* last week. A coarse black hair. On my nipple. Not one that was from another region and just happened to fly up to my nipple (hairs do that—you know they do), but one that was GROWING. OUT. OF. MY. NIPPLE.

I mean, come on. This growing old thing is getting out of control. I’ve learned to live with (and only moderately complain about) the laugh lines, the not-as-firm skin, the sagging breasts, THE ACNE THAT SHOULD HAVE GONE AWAY DECADES AGO, and other aspects of getting older. But black nipple hair? This. Is. Ridiculous.

Naturally, I grabbed my tweezers, plucked that fucker out, and flung it into the toilet with all of the hatred and fury my pre-coffee self could muster. Then I immediately texted my friend Ricki to tell her about this development:

Me: “I hate starting the week by plucking a black hair out of my boob. Overshare?”
Ricki: “Nope. I’d like to know why the fuck women have nipple hair at all. God’s cruel joke.”

And then she left me. Just disappeared. I guess she had better things to do than discuss my black nipple hair. I can’t imagine what. Clearly, I was having a Black Nipple Hair Crisis, and I needed to discuss it with someone. I didn’t think my husband would care to engage so I texted my other friend Lynn:

Me: “I started out today having to pluck a black hair from my boob. Not awesome.”
Lynn: “I read somewhere that those breast hairs are produced by the same hormones that make you orgasm faster. Bright side?”

Bright side? Was there a BRIGHT SIDE to having coarse black hairs growing out of my nipples? I’m going to go with HELL NO.

But her comment did get me thinking. I already have a black nipple hair—so does this mean I naturally possess this hormone? Do the levels fluctuate? If I orgasm more and faster, will I grow MORE black nipple hairs? (BTW, picturing myself having sex with hairy nipples does nothing for me. In fact, it makes me ill.) Or does this mean that I will never be able to prolong the sexual experience because I possess this hormone that makes me orgasm faster—in addition to making black hair grow on my nipples?

Because—and let’s be honest here—sex doesn’t happen as frequently as it did in my and my husband’s early dating/fornicating years, and quite frankly I don’t need anything like the threat of black nipple hairs to discourage me from getting it on. I doubt my husband would really care (or notice?), but I’m completely horrified by this prospect. A hairy chest as a result of frequent and fast orgasms seems just seems like cruel and unusual punishment.

The bottom line is: getting old sucks. Perhaps I should be grateful that I’m not having a Grey Nipple Hair Crisis?

In other news, I just used a Sharpie to cover my grey roots.

*Technically it was on my areola, but that’s not nearly as fun to say as nipple. NIPPLE. NIPPLE. NIPPLE. See what I mean?

Photo Credit: pxhidalgo / 123RF Stock Photo

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31 Responses

  1. Thank you for being so brave to speak up about BNH’s I too have found one maybe four, on both boobs. My husband is a doctor so nothing frightens him, but this…this got a weird look on both our faces. I was worried plucking would bring on more. And it did. Now I surrender to shaping my eyebrows with my top off so I can kill two birds with one stone. Good luck.

    1. Sadly, that is my post-shower routine as well. That is, if I can remember to do it–the memory isn’t what it used to be. Good luck to you as well!

  2. Brace yourself Kelly – it gets worse. One day – it may not be tomorrow, next week, or next month – but it’s coming – you’ll find a GRAY nipple hair, and then a gray chin whisker, and after that gray in the down below.

    I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but be a dear and let me know when it happens to you so I can laugh maniacally, knowing I’m no longer alone 😉

    1. I found the gray one down below. I cried so hard I couldn’t collect my thoughts enough to write about it.

  3. Now I’m scared. This hasn’t happened to me yet. I have felt for years that if I had to deal with the remnants of my adolescent skin, I should get to have at least a little of my adolescent metabolism, but naturally that shit hasn’t happened. Getting old is like one long cruel joke.

  4. Are you saying it grew out of your actual NIPPLE or in the area surrounding it? Because if you have shit growing out of the actual nipple, I’m grossed out. If it’s just the area around it, I feel a sense of solidarity. We are one, sisters in boob hair. Again, unless it’s growing out of your actual nipple. Then you’re just a freak.

    1. Teri, you are indeed correct. Technically it was an areola hair. But that just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “nipple” does. Try saying it over and over: “Areola. Areola. Areola.” Nope. Nipple wins every time. (But I might still be a freak.)

  5. I immediately thought of my husband’s ex-girlfriend, who he told me had many black hairs on her nips and didn’t even care to pluck them?! And she was like 24 so don’t feel old. This was hilarious – gonna share!

    1. Well, now I’m just shocked that your husband saw his girlfriend’s nipples. 😉 Thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing. xoxo

  6. OMG. Do you know that I have graduated to actual Depends when I read your posts? That or sit on the shitter. Too much? I dont think so after THIS post. Lmao.

  7. Too. Damn. Funny.

    But if I freaked out about ALL the hair I’ve found in ALL the places I’ve found it, I’d be drooling now from medications for ALL of my crAzy! That shit is unstoppable. Sorry to break it to ya!

    At least you have supportive friends who offer glimmers of hope. Mine just tell me “Bitch, that’s because your ass is getting old!” And there ya have it.

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. =)

  8. Oh god – I just snorted my chai. I have rogue black hairs that grow out of a freckle/moley thing on my chin. My husband calls them my witch hairs. Witch nipples?

    1. WITCH NIPPLES!! That’s my new favorite expression. (I’ve got one of those in the mole on the left side of my mouth.)

  9. We were recently discussing this! My friend joked that her husband plucks them out with his theeth. Gawd. Gross. Btw… I’d advise anyone to get one of those tweezers with a light. You have NO idea how many hag hairs are growing on your chin till you shine a light on those little effers.

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