The Case of the Missing Nut Bowl

Drunk Foxy and the Case of the Missing Nut Bowl #ilongformynutbowl

They say you shouldn’t get too attached to material possessions. And, for the most part, I believe that to be true. I treasure people and experiences, not things. There are, however, a handful of items that I’ve lost throughout my life that I deeply miss. Like deeply, passionately, I’m-gonna-write-a-bad-poem-or-a-song-about-them miss. In no particular order, they are:

  • The issue of Dynamite Magazine that featured my Bummermy first paid writing piece. I blew the $5 dollar check on candy and now have absolutely nothing to show for my accomplishment.
  • My Norton’s Anthology of Poetry from high school. I scratched furious notes all over that book, analyzing each and every word. I thought really deep and profound thoughts when I was a teenager—I would love to crawl inside that mind again. (And then probably retreat very quickly.)
  • The judges’ comment slips from my high school Speech and Debate State Quals tournament. I took first place. It was my Al Bundy moment. The feedback from those slips would have set me up to take the State Championships. But those golden slips never made their way to me. I’m sure that’s why I didn’t place in the top 10. I’m sure of it.
  • My perky pre-motherhood breasts. (I probably don’t need to say much more than that.)

I’ve thought about all of these items over the years, and I’ve even shed a few tears. But none of them—NONE OF THEM—pains me as much as the loss of my beloved nut bowl.

*pauses to regain composure*

I can’t remember exactly where I acquired the nut bowl so it may or may not have extreme sentimental value. But, DAMN, it was the best nut bowl ever. So beautiful and functional. Just look at it:

There’s something off in this photo. I can’t quit put my finger on it…
That was a lovely spread we had for our guests, but there’s something off in this photo. I can’t quit put my finger on it…

SEE IT?! THAT’S MY NUT BOWL. It’s right there in the picture (so close yet so far away), caressing my nuts so lovingly. That nut bowl was the perfect size; it held just enough nuts to be hospitable but not so many to seem boastful or gluttonous. The white ceramic showcased every nut in the best possible way, and it never competed with the nuts. And the clean and swooping lines—they invited fingers to grab some nuts.

It seems only fitting that the angle of the bowl in this photo shows a tear. Sigh…

I last saw my cherished nut bowl New Year’s Eve 2012 at my freighbor’s (friend + neighbor) house. I brought the nut bowl filled with bacon bar nuts (natch) to the party. Unfortunately for me and my ability to remain coherent that night, I was under the false impression that the champagne I was drinking was simply champagne. I never actually got my own drink and didn’t know the “champagne” was actually a champagne cocktail with a shot of lemon-basil vodka. (I have anosmia, remember? It affects my taste too.) So three glasses later, I was completely snookered. I stumbled home and promptly passed out on my bed. Missing midnight. Missing the rest of the party.

MISSING MY NUT BOWL.

I don’t know what happened at that party after I left. Maybe someone took my nut bowl with them because they wanted to lick the bacon residue. (Okay, residue is a nasty word. Bacon juice? Remnants? Never mind.) Or they just wanted to enjoy the delicious bacon-y perfume—aromatherapy for the soul. Or maybe someone took my nut bowl home to wash it and then forgot about it. Maybe someone—gasp—broke the bowl because she had too many drinks like I did. Or maybe some asshole just stole it.

I don’t know. But I was (and am) heart-broken. I started asking all of my freighbors about my nut bowl. And texting pictures of the prized nut bowl around the neighborhood. And inviting myself over for coffee under the guise of a neighborly visit and then going through china cabinets when people weren’t looking.

But I could not find my nut bowl.

Grief-stricken, I posted signs in the neighborhood.

In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have gotten into specifics with the reward.
In hindsight, maybe the kiss offer was a little much.

Sadly, I didn’t get any calls about my missing nut bowl. Maybe that was because I didn’t put a phone number on my flyer.

I was a shell of a person. It got so bad that I couldn’t even have normal conversations with my neighbors any more.

Freighbor: “Hey, Foxy! How’s it going?”
Me (a little too loudly): “Have YOU seen my nut bowl?”
Freighbor: “Uhhh, no. I told you that already last week. Like six times.”
Me (with crazy eyes): “WHERE IS MY NUT BOWL?!”
Freighbor (slowly backing away): “Okay, so see you later…”
Me (sobbing): “My precious nut bowl…”

I guess I was getting a little fucking crazy pathetic. I decided that I needed some closure. I would have hosted a proper memorial for the nut bowl, but I didn’t have the actual bowl. So I printed a picture of the bowl and put it on a small toy boat and set it on fire in the birdbath. You know, a Norse funeral. But the picture only burned about halfway before the boat tipped over, and the fire was extinguished by the water. Leaving me with a charred, wet reminder of my precious.

No, I'm not Scandinavian, but I figured why the hell not.
No, I’m not Scandinavian, but I figured why the hell not.

 

I sulked around the neighborhood, quietly whimpering. Yes, I was so ridiculously pathetic that three of my awesome freighbors even bought me new nut bowls in sweet, yet naive attempts to console me.

These are lovely nut bowls, but they’re still not as good as the old one.
These are lovely nut bowls, but they’re still not as good as the old one.

I’ve used each of these nut bowls, but they’re just not the same. My heart still weeps.

Coincidentally, some of the “freighbors” who also attended that party moved a couple of hours away shortly after my nut bowl went missing. Didn’t Ocean’s Eleven skip town after their Big Heist?

I think a reconnaissance mission is in order. Who’s in?

 

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40 Responses

  1. I was a beautiful bowl. Sorry to speak of it in the past tense. If it’s still wondering around, I hope it’s having a nice life and thinks of you often.

  2. ^ ^ Gah!! Why am I leaving comments before drinking coffee?! I meant to say: IT was a beautiful bowl! I’ve never been a bowl, not that I know of, at least.

    1. I saw this before coffee and read it just as you intended. See? We’re simpatico. I hope that nut bowl thinks of me too…

    1. Nut. Bowl. Bowl that holds nuts. Do you not eat nuts? They have lots of protein. I bet your husband would enjoy some nut eating.

    1. You must be new here. My stories rarely have morals. 😉 And, yes, I’m taking them in bags or paper sacks from now on.

  3. Tragic about the damn nut bowl.

    I feel the same way about my ability to think rationally. I think one of your neighbors stole it.

    1. It IS tragic. Thank you for recognizing that. Clearly your ability to think rationally is still intact. And, yes, come to CA. We’ll go snoop through the neighbor’s house.

  4. So sorry to hear of your loss.

    Happy to say, however, that I do still have my Norton’s Anthology of Poetry from High School. It is as awesome as you imagine it would be. Even better is my high school copy of “Wuthering Heights”, with the notes therein.

    1. I can’t even begin to convey how jealous I am of your Norton’s. That’s heartbreak for me. Not as big as the nut bowl, but it’s heartbreak. Enjoy your ridiculous high school scribbles. (And maybe send me some.)

  5. OMG. This is almost as tragic as the thousands of wine barrels that were destroyed in the earthquake on the 24th. Lost nuts (bowls) and ruined wine. Life is just so damned unfair sometimes.

  6. Now you’re making me wonder what I did with my copy of Norton’s Anthology of Poetry! I LOVED that book and did the same as you: scrawled deep, life-changing, teenagery thoughts that surely would pass as a tome of wisdom if only I could find it in the land of Things-to-Never-See-the-Light-of-Day-Ever-Again.

  7. My treasured text is my copy of T.S. Elliot’s poems, similarly annotated. I am sorry to hear of your nut bowl loss. I lost a mixing/serving bowl that way–the largest of one of those sets of three–and have never quite recovered. Where did I leave it? Who has it? WHY HAVE THEY NOT RETURNED IT? It was super useful because you could mix things up in it, but also serve in it. To compensate, I was forced to buy not only a really big stainless steel bowl for mixing, but also another “set of three” with an enormous attractive one for serving. But I still mourn the loss of the other one.

  8. omg can I have that elephant one??? I have a kid who is OBSESSED with elephants and I would totally open mouth kiss you for it!

    by which I mean, I am totally sorry for your loss. I can completely understand, as I felt the same about some beautiful hand-blown glass flowers I brought home from a trip to Germany and my father accidentally knocked over and broke. Since I love him more than the glass flowers, I never made a huge deal about it – but I am crying on the inside.

  9. As a modified mantra from “Heat”, I never bring anything to a party I wouldn’t mind having to leave in 30 seconds flat. This summer’s neighborhood get-together? That’s right, bitches – enjoy my crappy barstool because I know I’m not gettin’ it back!

  10. I’m sitting Shiva over the nut bowl right now. Because the way that bowl caressed your nuts in that picture just made me warm all over. I need a moment.

  11. Thank you for this post. I have two wonderful nut bowls shaped like leaves and I realized while reading this that I don’t tell them I love them nearly enough. Maybe I’ll pick them up something nice on the way home, like some pistachios. I think they’d like that.

  12. I’m in. Though, the elephant bowl is cute and thematic. Maybe this post will reach enough people across the interwebz until someday your beloved nut bowl is found and I see you being interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today Show along with the amazing person who miraculously returned it to you. Until then though, I advise you to let all future party hosts hold their own nuts.

  13. I think its nutty that someone would steal your nut bowl! Cashew buy another just like it? If not, walnut hire a detective to track those thieves down? Too expensive? Pecan do it together – although they probably are hiding out in Brazil, nuts!

  14. When I got divorced about 5 years ago, I had a storage unit FULL of sentimental stuff in it, including a lot of awards, uniforms and recognitions I got when I was in the Marines. The ex claimed she was taking care of the unit until I could get up to Michigan to get the stuff and bring it back down to North Carolina with me.

    Turns out she just took her stuff out and quit paying the bill, and I lost EVERYTHING. I was, and still am heartbroken. Stuff from when my son was little, my military stuff, lots of things I’ll never be able to replace.

    I sympathize with the loss of sentimental things and my heart goes out to you.

  15. “I was a shell of a person.” Great pun!

    I’m sorry you and your beloved nut bowl have parted, but I’m not sorry I laughed really hard at this post. I say you use the other one that looks like a teardrop and mourn what could have been. I say you also hunt down that copy of the magazine. I’m sure you could find it somewhere.

    For some reason, the fact that you have a picture of your beloved nut bowl cracks me up.

  16. I have your nut bowl. If you ever want to see it again, send $5,000 in small, unmarked bills to my home. I’m in an undisclosed location so you will need to guess at the address. Until then, your nut bowl and I are enjoying many adventures. Your bowl has lovingly caressed almonds, pecans — and one night, MACADAMIA NUTS! We even tossed in some M&Ms! It is gettin’ ALL crazy up in here!

  17. I love you!! Thank you for cracking me up. Tha missing posters may have caused me to spit my coffee out all over my phone, but I’m not admitting anything! You are a genius!!

  18. Who on earth has a photo of their nut bowl?? Thanks for the laughs. Great blog post 😀
    P.S: Your nut bowl is with me in Melbourne, Australia. We are in love!! It started as an Internet romance 😀

  19. I gave you some love for this post in my post today. Thanks for the much needed smiles! Oh, and you got Facebook Post of the Day too!

  20. You know what? I’m thinking that you need to replace that nut bowl with a gorgeous pair of spangly shoes. They could double as foot wear and a new nut bowl…

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