Foxy Wine Pocket

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Are You Playing Cards Against Humanity Correctly?

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Are You Playing Cards Against Humanity Correctly? @foxywinepocket #iamahorribleperson #humor #notforeveryone

I am a horrible person.

How do I know? Because Cards Against Humanity is my absolute favorite game in the entire world, and it’s “a party game for horrible people.” IT SAYS SO RIGHT ON THE BOX. Ergo, I am a horrible person. But I’m okay with that.

Actually, I’m not much of a game player. I hate ugly competition and mind-numbing repetitive rounds of pointless ladder climbing, passing go and maybe collecting $200, and trying to remember where the frakking cherry card is. I. Hate. It. All. But I love Cards Against Humanity because it truly doesn’t matter who wins or loses. The end result is not the important part. It’s HOW you play the game.

For the uninitiated, here is a basic summary of how Cards Against Humanity is played:

  1. Every player gets ten(ish) white cards, which have ridiculous and horrifying answers on them.
  2. One player, called the Card Czar (I’m not making that up—it’s on the rules) picks a black card and reads the question on the card (without guilt or shame because, horrible people).
  3. Everyone else plays one of his/her ridiculous and/or horrifying cards to answer the horrible question—in a twisted, adult Mad Libs style.
  4. The Card Czar shuffles the answers, dramatically reads them all (it’s better than theater), and selects his/her favorite answer.
  5. Whoever played the favored white card is the winner and keeps the black card as a horrible badge of honor.

There are some other rules and caveats, but I’m too lazy to actually read the them. I usually show up to the game, pour drinks for everyone, and follow along with whatever “house rules” have been adopted by others (who also didn’t read the official rules).

Based on some recent experiences, however, I’ve come up with some guidelines that aren’t included with the game to help you enjoy your gaming experience even more—to help ensure you’re achieving the appropriate level of horribleness.

  1. Play with the right people. The right mix of horrible is essential to your enjoyment. Do not play with politically-correct, non-swearing, easily-offended prudes, your pastor, or your mother-in-law. Find similarly horrible people.
Here's an actual round that I played with my freighbors (neighbors who are also friends). In an instant, we knew that we were meant to play this game together.

Here’s an actual round that I played with my freighbors (neighbors who are also friends). In an instant, we knew that we were meant to play this game together.

  1. Allow enough time to play. The box says 30-90 minutes, but 30 minutes is not enough time. You need more than that to fully discover just how horrible your game-mates are. Recently I was playing with a group of my freighbors, and we were interrupted by the need to go pick up our kids. (I called it Cardus Interruptus.) Not only did I not get to finish (that’s what she said), but I had the MOST AMAZING hand of horrifying answers ever. And I will never get it back.
Seriously. I will never get that hand again. Unless I cheat, which brings me to my next point.

I tried to recreate that hand here. Seriously, how amazing is that?! I will never get it back. Ever. Unless I cheat, which brings me to my next point.

  1. Decide upfront if you’re going to allow trade-ins (AKA CHEATING). Sure, there’s a rule on the game card that allows “rebooting the universe,” but it doesn’t state you can turn in any card you want and pick over the deck looking for the most absurd or hilarious answer. The fun of the game is being creative with the cards you are dealt. Get an agreement upfront. Or at least ridicule the cheaters and make them pour the next round of drinks.
  2. Minimize distractions. If you’re going to play the game, PLAY IT. Don’t be checking on your phones or having to get up and do stuff during the rounds. Also, it’s probably a good idea to put the kids in front of a movie or something. You don’t want to ruin young minds by having them overhear any of the game. (There’s plenty of time for that when they go to college.)
  3. Know your game-mates. The object of the game is not to play the best card; it’s to get the Card Czar to pick your card. I suck at this. (That’s what she said.) Mr. Foxy, who always claims that he doesn’t know how to play, wins every game. Because he gets inside our friends’ sicko heads and figures out which answer would make them laugh the most. He’s genius. Or horrible. Whatever.
  4. Serve beverages and finger foods. Alcohol, while not a requirement, is always delicious and can help “up the crazy” in every round. Snacks are good too. My only word of warning—be careful of greasy finger foods which can really mess up those cards. We ate some delicious cherry and white chocolate chip oatmeal cookies during our last game.
  5. Be prepared for the crazy. Cards Against Humanity + Appropriately Horrible People + Liquid Lubrication = A Raucous Affair. In a recent game, the host for the evening decided to grant the winner of each round a chance to hurl an old toy across his backyard. Yes, you read that correctly: the winner could pick an old toy, launch it through the air, and watch it crash on the other side of the yard. While everyone else cheered.
  6. Don’t play if you’re going to whine about how offensive the game is. There’s no crying in Cards Against Humanity. (Unless you’re cry-laughing.)
I wasn’t kidding. And I don’t feel ashamed. Oh, and the brown, dead lawn is courtesy the California drought.

I wasn’t kidding. And I don’t feel ashamed. Oh, and the brown, dead lawn is courtesy the California drought.

That particular game was so incredibly ridiculous that one or two of us (not me, I swear) may have peed our pants laughing. Even the kids came out to tell us to be quiet. Our hostess had to remove herself at one point to check on the kids. Or so I thought. She confided in me the next day that she was laughing so hard that she threw up all of the delicious snacks in the kitchen sink.

She literally tossed her cookies. Great game, folks!

P.S., Papa Does Preach, I found this card just for you and Mr. Welcome to the Bundle.

Calm down, Mike and Shelby. It's just a game.

Calm down, Mike and Shelby. It’s just a game.


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Comments

    • Pattie brought it in June, but I was stumbling around like a completely sleep-deprived idiot who didn’t know her name. ‘Cuz I couldn’t remember which name I was using. 🙂 It’s on for 2015! Even Amy Effing Mayo agrees.

  4. My kids’ godfather and godmother introduced us to this game. I love it, but my wife does not. Really makes me wonder. . . She finds it childish to just be offensive, but us other three do not. Guess no spouse is perfect.

    Mike, the Godfather, also guest preaches at our church occasionally, and I keep telling him I’d give him $100 to work some of the cards into the game. Like starting a sermon with “Let’s pray for all the kids with ass cancer.” I just want to see the pearl clutching by the old ladies. It’s an Episcopal church, so there would be much pearl clutching.

  5. I love this game SO MUCH! Holy crap, It’s definitely a laugh until you cry game. I also learned that if I get the car ‘fiery poops’ and my husband is the czar, he will pick fiery poops no matter what. Apparently, fiery poops are hysterical.

    My 16 yo loves playing it because he has permission to read ANYTHING that is on the card when he’s the czar.

    • Fiery poops are hysterical. I heart both you and your husband. And I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to play.

  6. It truly is the greatest game ever. It becomes truly horrifying (and somehow even better for it) when you play with your 19 year old daughter and learn that she is more horrible than you are.

    Good times.

  9. I had heard about this game but didn’t know the rules or how it was played. Thank you for enlightening me! I desperately want to play it but since our house looks like we run an illegal daycare out of it, we can’t have people over. Seriously– no company allowed for probably 10 more years or until our kid outgrows his toys.

  10. I always lose but damned if my answer isn’t the funniest. Sounds like I need to take the Mr. Foxy approach if I want to win. Or more specifically, if I want to beat my mom, who is bizarrely amazing at this game.

  11. OMG that sounds like so much fun! I’ve heard about this game, but have never actually played it, so thanks for explaining it. Since my husband and I are both Social Workers, we reserve the right to be as politically incorrect as possible at home and we’re both very good at it. (Unfortunately the kids are starting to pick up on it and we’re always saying to them “You can NEVER say this outside of home!”).

    You and your freighbors would be the best people to play with…you sound wonderfully horrible!

  12. Love this game but also found something very similar online called “Evil Apples”. It’s a free app. I’ve played against my (adult) kids and won which makes me either a good competitor or a very bad influence….not sure if I should be proud of this fact!

  15. This game makes me want to go back to college again. I know about it and know it’s right up my alley (that’s what she….) but have yet to play. Pity me!

  17. I freely admit I am a horrible person. I have heard much about this game, but never played it. My problem is I don’t know enough other horrible people to play with. Where I live it’s like Stepford, if everyone in Stepford kept chickens. Where are the NORMAL people??

  19. I just played this game on the weekend which was Canadian Thanksgiving! We had a blast and I learned a whole lot of new words lol! I would suggest no more than 7-8 people play at one time though because as the drinking goes on players start to get distracted or don’t focus. We all ended up doing chin up competitions for some reason…That game definitely makes you drink more, there should be a warning on the box 🙂

  20. I must confess that I have never played Cards Against Humanity, but I’m dying to try. Unfortunately, my daughter owns our only set – and she refuses to play with me or allow me to use them to play with my friends. Oh, the humanity!

  22. The best time was playing w my sister’s older neighbors. The dad had to read the card about “jerking off into a pool of children’s tears” and somehow I managed to record it with my phone. It is amazing.

  25. I played this game for the first time just a short while ago. This was after so many people telling me I would love it. I totally did love it but now I’m left with the sneaking suspicion that everyone thinks I’m a horrible person?

  26. I’m married to a horrible man and we have horrible friends. Best. Game. Ever. Your description is dead on.!

  29. Such. A. Great. Game! May have to pack that in my BlogU luggage in case late night dorm life needs a little pick me up.

  30. Just in case you didn’t know your freighbors well enough, I believe that the rules state that the first Card Czar is whoever pooped most recently. Seriously.

  31. I have never been big on playing games of any kind, but everyone I know that plays Cards Against Humanity tells me I have to play it, so perhaps you should bring it with you to Baltimore!

  32. Try playing it with your boss, her boss and the director of your workplace… What happens during cards against humanity, stays with cards against humanity!

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