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Are You Playing Cards Against Humanity Correctly?

By Foxy

Are You Playing Cards Against Humanity Correctly? @foxywinepocket #iamahorribleperson #humor #notforeveryone

I am a horrible person.

How do I know? Because Cards Against Humanity is my absolute favorite game in the entire world, and it’s “a party game for horrible people.” IT SAYS SO RIGHT ON THE BOX. Ergo, I am a horrible person. But I’m okay with that.

Actually, I’m not much of a game player. I hate ugly competition and mind-numbing repetitive rounds of pointless ladder climbing, passing go and maybe collecting $200, and trying to remember where the frakking cherry card is. I. Hate. It. All. But I love Cards Against Humanity because it truly doesn’t matter who wins or loses. The end result is not the important part. It’s HOW you play the game.

For the uninitiated, here is a basic summary of how Cards Against Humanity is played:

  1. Every player gets ten(ish) white cards, which have ridiculous and horrifying answers on them.
  2. One player, called the Card Czar (I’m not making that up—it’s on the rules) picks a black card and reads the question on the card (without guilt or shame because, horrible people).
  3. Everyone else plays one of his/her ridiculous and/or horrifying cards to answer the horrible question—in a twisted, adult Mad Libs style.
  4. The Card Czar shuffles the answers, dramatically reads them all (it’s better than theater), and selects his/her favorite answer.
  5. Whoever played the favored white card is the winner and keeps the black card as a horrible badge of honor.

There are some other rules and caveats, but I’m too lazy to actually read the them. I usually show up to the game, pour drinks for everyone, and follow along with whatever “house rules” have been adopted by others (who also didn’t read the official rules).

Based on some recent experiences, however, I’ve come up with some guidelines that aren’t included with the game to help you enjoy your gaming experience even more—to help ensure you’re achieving the appropriate level of horribleness.

  1. Play with the right people. The right mix of horrible is essential to your enjoyment. Do not play with politically-correct, non-swearing, easily-offended prudes, your pastor, or your mother-in-law. Find similarly horrible people.
Here's an actual round that I played with my freighbors (neighbors who are also friends). In an instant, we knew that we were meant to play this game together.

Here’s an actual round that I played with my freighbors (neighbors who are also friends). In an instant, we knew that we were meant to play this game together.

  1. Allow enough time to play. The box says 30-90 minutes, but 30 minutes is not enough time. You need more than that to fully discover just how horrible your game-mates are. Recently I was playing with a group of my freighbors, and we were interrupted by the need to go pick up our kids. (I called it Cardus Interruptus.) Not only did I not get to finish (that’s what she said), but I had the MOST AMAZING hand of horrifying answers ever. And I will never get it back.
Seriously. I will never get that hand again. Unless I cheat, which brings me to my next point.

I tried to recreate that hand here. Seriously, how amazing is that?! I will never get it back. Ever. Unless I cheat, which brings me to my next point.

  1. Decide upfront if you’re going to allow trade-ins (AKA CHEATING). Sure, there’s a rule on the game card that allows “rebooting the universe,” but it doesn’t state you can turn in any card you want and pick over the deck looking for the most absurd or hilarious answer. The fun of the game is being creative with the cards you are dealt. Get an agreement upfront. Or at least ridicule the cheaters and make them pour the next round of drinks.
  2. Minimize distractions. If you’re going to play the game, PLAY IT. Don’t be checking on your phones or having to get up and do stuff during the rounds. Also, it’s probably a good idea to put the kids in front of a movie or something. You don’t want to ruin young minds by having them overhear any of the game. (There’s plenty of time for that when they go to college.)
  3. Know your game-mates. The object of the game is not to play the best card; it’s to get the Card Czar to pick your card. I suck at this. (That’s what she said.) Mr. Foxy, who always claims that he doesn’t know how to play, wins every game. Because he gets inside our friends’ sicko heads and figures out which answer would make them laugh the most. He’s genius. Or horrible. Whatever.
  4. Serve beverages and finger foods. Alcohol, while not a requirement, is always delicious and can help “up the crazy” in every round. Snacks are good too. My only word of warning—be careful of greasy finger foods which can really mess up those cards. We ate some delicious cherry and white chocolate chip oatmeal cookies during our last game.
  5. Be prepared for the crazy. Cards Against Humanity + Appropriately Horrible People + Liquid Lubrication = A Raucous Affair. In a recent game, the host for the evening decided to grant the winner of each round a chance to hurl an old toy across his backyard. Yes, you read that correctly: the winner could pick an old toy, launch it through the air, and watch it crash on the other side of the yard. While everyone else cheered.
  6. Don’t play if you’re going to whine about how offensive the game is. There’s no crying in Cards Against Humanity. (Unless you’re cry-laughing.)
I wasn’t kidding. And I don’t feel ashamed. Oh, and the brown, dead lawn is courtesy the California drought.

I wasn’t kidding. And I don’t feel ashamed. Oh, and the brown, dead lawn is courtesy the California drought.

That particular game was so incredibly ridiculous that one or two of us (not me, I swear) may have peed our pants laughing. Even the kids came out to tell us to be quiet. Our hostess had to remove herself at one point to check on the kids. Or so I thought. She confided in me the next day that she was laughing so hard that she threw up all of the delicious snacks in the kitchen sink.

She literally tossed her cookies. Great game, folks!

P.S., Papa Does Preach, I found this card just for you and Mr. Welcome to the Bundle.

Calm down, Mike and Shelby. It's just a game.

Calm down, Mike and Shelby. It’s just a game.


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Filed Under: #winning, Life Lessons, NSFW

Comments

  1. Ashley Fuchs says

    October 14, 2014 at 4:33 am

    I HEART this game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:50 pm

      I heart YOU!

  2. Sarah (est. 1975) says

    October 14, 2014 at 4:35 am

    Man, it’s been way too long since I played this game. We need to play next time we get together… whenever that will be 😉

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:50 pm

      We’ll need to take pictures of each hand–they will be very memorable.

  3. Teri says

    October 14, 2014 at 5:09 am

    Can you imagine if we brought this to BlogU15 and we all played?? Most memorable conference EVER!!!!

    • Amy Effing Mayo says

      October 14, 2014 at 6:10 am

      It’s On Teri!!!!

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:51 pm

      Pattie brought it in June, but I was stumbling around like a completely sleep-deprived idiot who didn’t know her name. ‘Cuz I couldn’t remember which name I was using. 🙂 It’s on for 2015! Even Amy Effing Mayo agrees.

  4. ACParent says

    October 14, 2014 at 5:10 am

    My kids’ godfather and godmother introduced us to this game. I love it, but my wife does not. Really makes me wonder. . . She finds it childish to just be offensive, but us other three do not. Guess no spouse is perfect.

    Mike, the Godfather, also guest preaches at our church occasionally, and I keep telling him I’d give him $100 to work some of the cards into the game. Like starting a sermon with “Let’s pray for all the kids with ass cancer.” I just want to see the pearl clutching by the old ladies. It’s an Episcopal church, so there would be much pearl clutching.

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:52 pm

      I’m going to side with you and the godparents. No disrespect to your wife. Or the pearl clutchers.

  5. Michelle says

    October 14, 2014 at 5:33 am

    I love this game SO MUCH! Holy crap, It’s definitely a laugh until you cry game. I also learned that if I get the car ‘fiery poops’ and my husband is the czar, he will pick fiery poops no matter what. Apparently, fiery poops are hysterical.

    My 16 yo loves playing it because he has permission to read ANYTHING that is on the card when he’s the czar.

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:54 pm

      Fiery poops are hysterical. I heart both you and your husband. And I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to play.

  6. Cassandra says

    October 14, 2014 at 5:51 am

    It truly is the greatest game ever. It becomes truly horrifying (and somehow even better for it) when you play with your 19 year old daughter and learn that she is more horrible than you are.

    Good times.

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:54 pm

      I can’t wait for that to happen. My daughter is already showing signs of being an evil genius.

  7. Pattie says

    October 14, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Love this game and Teri, I brought it to BlogU14. Where were you?

    • Teri says

      October 15, 2014 at 9:58 am

      YOU DID???? I was probably eating breakfast at the Paper Moon diner when you played. It’s on for next year!

      • Foxy says

        October 20, 2014 at 4:55 pm

        Just make sure to bring the expansion packs for 2015. I feel we have a lot of seasoned horrible people amongst us.

  8. Kristine says

    October 14, 2014 at 7:03 am

    I am on my way to buy this now! One for me and one for the hostess. Girl’s weekend will never be the same!

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      It makes a TERRIFIC hostess gift! Have fun!

  9. Gina says

    October 14, 2014 at 7:19 am

    I had heard about this game but didn’t know the rules or how it was played. Thank you for enlightening me! I desperately want to play it but since our house looks like we run an illegal daycare out of it, we can’t have people over. Seriously– no company allowed for probably 10 more years or until our kid outgrows his toys.

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      LOL. You’ll have to buy it and sneak it outside the home.

  10. Vicki Lesage says

    October 14, 2014 at 7:20 am

    I always lose but damned if my answer isn’t the funniest. Sounds like I need to take the Mr. Foxy approach if I want to win. Or more specifically, if I want to beat my mom, who is bizarrely amazing at this game.

    • Foxy says

      October 20, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      I’m with you, Vicki. My answer is always the best answer–no matter what the Card Czar says. 😉

  11. Margot says

    October 14, 2014 at 7:34 am

    OMG that sounds like so much fun! I’ve heard about this game, but have never actually played it, so thanks for explaining it. Since my husband and I are both Social Workers, we reserve the right to be as politically incorrect as possible at home and we’re both very good at it. (Unfortunately the kids are starting to pick up on it and we’re always saying to them “You can NEVER say this outside of home!”).

    You and your freighbors would be the best people to play with…you sound wonderfully horrible!

  12. Pam Solorzano says

    October 14, 2014 at 7:38 am

    Love this game but also found something very similar online called “Evil Apples”. It’s a free app. I’ve played against my (adult) kids and won which makes me either a good competitor or a very bad influence….not sure if I should be proud of this fact!

  13. Pam says

    October 14, 2014 at 8:31 am

    I’ll take the 5th!

  14. Kristina Walters @ Kris On Fitness says

    October 14, 2014 at 9:32 am

    I love this game! I was almost embarrassed how into it I got. LOL! I guess I’m a horrible person too!

  15. Liz says

    October 14, 2014 at 9:33 am

    This game makes me want to go back to college again. I know about it and know it’s right up my alley (that’s what she….) but have yet to play. Pity me!

  16. Steph says

    October 14, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    I must own this game immediately.

  17. qwertygirl says

    October 14, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    I freely admit I am a horrible person. I have heard much about this game, but never played it. My problem is I don’t know enough other horrible people to play with. Where I live it’s like Stepford, if everyone in Stepford kept chickens. Where are the NORMAL people??

  18. Cat says

    October 14, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Fabulous post. Just fabulous. Girl you have me in stitches.

  19. Susan McCord says

    October 14, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    I just played this game on the weekend which was Canadian Thanksgiving! We had a blast and I learned a whole lot of new words lol! I would suggest no more than 7-8 people play at one time though because as the drinking goes on players start to get distracted or don’t focus. We all ended up doing chin up competitions for some reason…That game definitely makes you drink more, there should be a warning on the box 🙂

  20. Jana says

    October 14, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    I must confess that I have never played Cards Against Humanity, but I’m dying to try. Unfortunately, my daughter owns our only set – and she refuses to play with me or allow me to use them to play with my friends. Oh, the humanity!

  21. ZealouslyB says

    October 15, 2014 at 5:57 am

    Haven’t played this one, but have played Apples to Apples with adults: same basic concept, generally a lot less dirty than this game! I’ve heard good things about Cards though and can’t wait to try!

    SIDE BAR: I just found on Amazon that they’re creating a visual expansion pack for it, out next month! Adds a whole new dimension of hilarity!

    http://www.amazon.com/Faces-Destiny-Explosion-Against-Humanity/dp/B00NPKXE64/

  22. Joy says

    October 15, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    The best time was playing w my sister’s older neighbors. The dad had to read the card about “jerking off into a pool of children’s tears” and somehow I managed to record it with my phone. It is amazing.

  23. Euphoria Girl says

    October 16, 2014 at 7:38 am

    This game is the best. Of course, even if I are the winner, I still feel a bit like a loser because it is only validating my wretchedness at humanity.

  24. Lisa Packer says

    October 16, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    I love this game so much, I’m giving it to someone as a Christmas gift this year. As a sidenote, I’m probably going to hell.

  25. Ronnie says

    October 20, 2014 at 4:31 am

    I played this game for the first time just a short while ago. This was after so many people telling me I would love it. I totally did love it but now I’m left with the sneaking suspicion that everyone thinks I’m a horrible person?

  26. Sheri T says

    December 9, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    I’m married to a horrible man and we have horrible friends. Best. Game. Ever. Your description is dead on.!

  27. kari says

    February 1, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    My kids and I absolutely love this game!!! We are a family of warped individuals.

  28. Mandelynn says

    February 17, 2015 at 9:21 am

    Ahhh! I need to make freighbors right away so I can play this. Hilariously put!

  29. McCall says

    April 12, 2015 at 11:19 pm

    Such. A. Great. Game! May have to pack that in my BlogU luggage in case late night dorm life needs a little pick me up.

  30. Amy says

    May 18, 2015 at 9:35 am

    Just in case you didn’t know your freighbors well enough, I believe that the rules state that the first Card Czar is whoever pooped most recently. Seriously.

  31. Sassypiehole says

    May 18, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    I have never been big on playing games of any kind, but everyone I know that plays Cards Against Humanity tells me I have to play it, so perhaps you should bring it with you to Baltimore!

  32. Christine Stinson says

    May 18, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Try playing it with your boss, her boss and the director of your workplace… What happens during cards against humanity, stays with cards against humanity!

Trackbacks

  1. There's No Crying in Cards Against Humanity | Foxy Wine Pocket says:
    July 16, 2015 at 4:01 am

    […] Against Humanity, with a group of friends and acquaintances. (I know, I know. I violated #1 from my own rules.) During one of the rounds, one player (an acquaintance) was upset by another player’s […]

  2. Raisins Are the Herpes of the Baked Goods World | Foxy Wine Pocket says:
    July 28, 2015 at 4:02 am

    […] most delicious dried-cherry-white-chocolate-chip-oatmeal cookies. They are especially yummy during Cards Against Humanity. (Don’t toss them like Bobbie did […]

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