Two Catholic school girls walk into a sex shop…
That’s not the opening line to a joke. That actually happened. My freighbor (friend + neighbor) and I, both Catholic school survivors, recently went to an adult boutique to buy a present for another freighbor. We were going to a party celebrating her 40th birthday and 15th wedding anniversary.
Naturally, given the momentous occasions, we decided sex toys were the most appropriate gift. (Believe it or not, it wasn’t my idea.)
We left the kids at home with our husbands and bravely ventured out one evening. It’s possible I had a glass of wine first. (By possible, I mean I had two glasses.) We’re not prudes, but I’m not sure we were prepared for everything we encountered. We spent a good hour in that shop. We snickered; we gasped; we pointed; we stared in wide-eyed amazement.
As good Catholic school girls, we took some notes (and pictures), and we learned a few things.
- One size does not fit all. It never has, and it never will. The elephant trunk g-string for men? Sure, this garment will fit some, but how embarrassing would it be for a guy to have droopy fabric at the end of his, uhhh, trunk?
![[Insert obvious nut joke here.]](https://i0.wp.com/www.foxywinepocket.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/elephanttrunk2.jpg?resize=477%2C600&ssl=1)
- There are some things better left unseen. Cloned pussies? (One is enough for me, thanks.) Veiny penis replicas with real hair? Shower-mounted fleshy openings? I’m still trying to erase those images from my brain.
- You can’t hide ugly. Sure, sure, the human body is a “beautiful” thing, but honestly men, your junk is ugly. Mesh boy shorts are not going to make it any more appealing to me. And a bikini with a face and a hole for the, uhhh, nose is just going to make me laugh hysterically.
- There’s a reason some things are on clearance. If the edges of the book are stained and frayed, I’m staying away. I don’t want rejected porn or malfunctioning sex toys either. A vibrator that only works on the highest setting may seem like a good idea, but it’s not. The last thing I need is a broken sex toy up in my hot pocket.
- If you have to ask, maybe you aren’t meant to know. I’m going to be honest: I had no idea how many of those toys would be used. Or maybe I’m just not adventurous enough. But anal plugs with attached fox tails, hooha balls, and masks that cover everything but my mouth just don’t do it for me. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
After an hour of laughter, intrigue, and embarrassment (and fantastic conversation with the very helpful sales associate), we ended up purchasing a remote control vibrator. You know, one that the birthday girl could have in her pants and her husband could control from across the room? One of those.
But not before picking up a few things for ourselves. (I may need to go to confession.)
P.S. I don’t put these in my mouth either:
Like that? Then you’ll LOVE Vaginal Beautification for the Rest of Us. Also, you should definitely follow me on Facebook and Twitter. Because I’ve got more inappropriate humor for you there.
42 Responses
Aren’t the words ‘Super Fun’ and ‘Candy’ redundant together? Wait, the word penis was in there? Never mind. Penis candy needs all the help it can get.
I held it in my hand. But I wouldn’t put it in my mouth. (That’s what she said.)
LOL. Thanks, I needed a good laugh today.
OMG…I work a few miles from Larry Flint’s Hustler store. I’ve been in there twice. I learned I am an uptight prude because I was freaking out the first time. I thought…I’ll let them look and just go to the video section. THAT can’t be too bad.
I was wrong.
THE VIDEO SECTION IS THE WORST PART.
Hahaha. You’re hilarious. I totally thought that was a lipstick too! Pretty sure I’m mostly a prude. I like laughing though and I can see how the mustache/nose combo or the elephant’s face would lead to a whole lot of that. Although, I don’t think a night of endless laughter is the purpose of sex toys and shlong puppets…
YOU are hilarious. I think I’m going to start using “schlong puppet” in my everyday vernacular.
I still think it’s lipstick. I honestly have no idea what else it could be. I’m gonna trust #5 tho, and be happy in the fact that I probably don’t need to know.
BTW, I’m totally a prude. My husband dragged me into an “Adam & Eve” shop and I was speechless and very very angry at him for it. I was embarrassed to the point of tears, literally!!
Wow…that shopping trip sure was different from Target. Thanks for braving it and blogging about it to share your words of wisdom.
I would guess that the outfits meant to highlight men’s members are probably meant for other men. I think gay men find other men’s junk way more attractive and sexy than women do. (My apologies to any dudes who might be reading this…I hope this doesn’t come as a surprise).
A few stray observations: The “nose” in the Mr. Nose Bikini is massive and looks like a broom handle. The Spandex Open Mouth Hood is super frightening looking and seems like something Jian Ghomeshi would enjoy. That thing you thought looked like lipstick or blush reminds me of a Christmas candle decoration.
Thanks for a super fun post!
I agree with all of your statements and observations. Thank you for braving this post and commenting! xoxo
Oh my gosh, sitting at my desk at work and reading this. Probably not the most appropriate topic for work, but lord, so funny. Can I steal the line, “All the nopes in nopeland?” Because it made me laugh out loud.
Oh yes. I’ve heard around a lot lately.
What is that lipstick looking nightmare???
Some sort of vibrating lemon. The harder you squeeze, the more it vibrates. I didn’t buy it.
Haha! You ladies and your sex toys! You’re too damn funny. Do you think you could create a Pavlovian response with the remote controlled vibrator? Could be a fun (for everyone) experiment.
Well, for the record, none of those were actually *my* sex toys. 😉 I think the husband of the woman who received the remote controlled vibrator was more excited than she was.
But, yes, good fun for everyone.
I am blushing down to my scalp.
That was exactly my reaction in the store.
I want to know if you passed out any of the penis candy on Halloween? 🙂
Believe it or not, I limit my inappropriateness to an adult-only audience. 😉
Totally praying for you both.
We probably need those prayers.
SO funny! A trip to an adult toy store is best with a friend. A friend that has a sense of humor. GREAT post!
Thank you! We had such a fun night that I may have to do it again sometime. 😉
It’s always the big plastic fists that surprise me. I guess those are for if you need to wave at someone.
Yes. Definitely for waving at someone. Because I can’t even think about how else it would be used.
Bwahaha. Living in Vegas this stuff really doesn’t surprise me anymore. One store I have admittedly been to (it was several years ago, shut up) labels its receipts as a bookstore. Yes, I did buy something from there. Hey, a girl has needs. Again, shut up. LOL
Yes. I need lots of, uhhhhh, books too. 😉
So funny! Clearance at a sex store. Who knewI guess it’s hats to fault bargain-hunting…
It really is hard to fault bargain hunting…
I’d really like to be there for employee orientation day. “Now this here looks like lipstick but wait until you see what it REALLY does.”
I wonder how long those orientations take. Because I would just burst out laughing every other second.
All the nopes in Nopeland. Love.
ALL OF THEM.
Oddly my first thought when I read the intro was, I wonder if they are going to come across the most horrifying thing I saw in my first foray (of two–I was also a Catholic school girl) into a sex shop—the elephant underwear/penis mask. Like an elephant penis mask, I’ll never forget that.
Why and who and why?
Unfortunately, I can not answer these questions. I am asking them as well.
I love how the “limon” has a note by it that indicates it comes in pink and teal as well for those wanting to color coordinate their limones.
As I was scrolling through the article, my finger touched the image of the mask with a mouthole a second too long…and a cheery message popped up asking if I’d like to pin it on Pintrest. Um, no, thanks. 😉
You. Me. BlogU 2015. Sex shop in MD. Epic. It’s happening.
I am not a huge fan of penises but those candies are tasty.
When my daughter was a toddler, we were roaming the mall when the laser lights at Spencer’s lured her into the store. We followed along figuring it was harmless for a 1 year old to dance around to the disco lights. I hadn’t been inside Spencer’s in years. SO. MUCH. INAPPROPRIATE. STUFF. Wow. I’m not a prude but apparently I AM very naive. What’s THAT for?!? Oh…(face turns red.) I will never understand a store that sells Elmo hats in the front and porn related mish mash in the back. Spencer’s is WEIRD.
That mask is completely freaking me out.