If my life had a bloopers reel, it would contain hundreds (possibly thousands) of scenes of me tripping and falling on my face. In holes. On bumps. Down stairs. UP stairs. Over absolutely nothing at all.
Seriously, I trip about once a week with a spectacular fall at least monthly.
The (possibly) most cringe-worthy spill happened in college. My boyfriend and I went to a fancy restaurant, and there was a staircase leading directly into the middle of the dining room. About halfway down the stairs, my heel caught on the carpet, and I fell to my knees. Fortunately, my hand caught the railing so I was able to hoist myself back up fairly quickly (and without too many people noticing). But then I took one more step and fell AGAIN. This time I didn’t catch myself, and I slid on my knees down several stairs as the entire room of fancy diners watched. I was able to grab a hold of the railing, only my bracelet got stuck on something. It broke and flew across the room. Along with my dignity.
I trip and fall so often I was fairly certain it would happen during my reading in the 2015 Listen to Your Mother Portland show.
The day of the performance, I was pretty nervous about that and turned to my friends on social media.
If I trip on stage and/or fall flat on my face tonight, I can assure you it was 100% intentional. #LTYM #Portland
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) May 7, 2015
Fortunately for me, Mr. Foxy arranged for some calming aids to be delivered to our hotel room hours before the show.
I even shared with him. (I’m nothing if not a giver.) I’m not gonna lie, though. I was still incredibly nervous.
This is me being nervous. Also possibly needing some Botox between my eyebrows. But I only eat pork products, I don’t inject them into my face.
Fortunately for me, the women in the cast were so fucking amazing and supportive. They helped calm me down. We had already been cheering each other on for months, and that day was no different. We (sometimes literally) held each other up.
I love all of them so much, I took selfies with each cast member, but they all came out awful (of me, not them). Thank goodness Carisa took this Ellen-inspired groupie of us backstage, which will be saved in my memory box for eternity.
But honestly, while waiting to take the stage, I was still pretty anxious. About stumbling. About face-planting. About possibly peeing my pants. Bart was there to support me, but he mostly just made the nervous pee trips less comfortable.
Bart and I are getting ready to go on stage. Wish us luck. #LTYM #Portland
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) May 8, 2015
Here I am watching a story on the green room monitor waiting to go on deck. It’s a piece by Kelli with some incredible funny in it, but clearly, from the expression on my face, I can’t laugh—otherwise I’ll vomit.
But guess what? I didn’t trip. Or fall. Or barf. Or even accidentally spit on the audience. (Sorry to disappoint anyone.) In fact, I felt pretty good about my performance. I read it well, and the audience really responded to it. (Mr. Foxy even mentioned some people behind him were cry-laughing. That’s my Holy Grail.) I got to talk about sharts and yelled, “What the fuckity-fuck?” to a packed house.
‘Cuz I’m Klassy like that.
I read “Motherhood Is Disgusting” because it is sometimes. I’ll post the YouTube video when it is released in July. (However, I will not be watching said YouTube video because I just can’t. You’ll have to watch it for me and let me know what you think.)
Listen to Your Mother was an amazing experience. The cast started out as complete strangers. And even though all of our stories were sooooo different (just like the storytellers), we bonded instantly after the first rehearsal. Then, we continued to encourage each other in the weeks leading up to the show and as we each went on stage that evening. Finally, the Portland audience was so warm and fun and awesome. (Just like Portland.) If you have a story to tell, I highly encourage you to share yours at a city near you if you can. It really is life-changing.
Lest you think everything was perfect, I can assure you that it was not. I spilled coffee all over myself at the airport. And I tripped (twice) on the neighbor’s lawn when I got home.
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We all knew you would be great! You looked fabulous too 🙂
Thank God you spilled coffee and tripped though, because I was beginning not to be able to relate (says the woman sporting a cast).
Awww, you and your cast are lovely. xoxo
And Mr. Foxy and I kept waiting for something to go wrong … it was very strange for everything to go so smoothly.
I’ll be watching in July!! But only if Bart was not given a close up… Because ew.
Don’t worry–Bart doesn’t make public appearances.
OMG we are so much alike. I mean, other than you being younger and more hot..but other than that..
I was so nervous and I was sure I would fall.
I honestly can’t wait to watch my video. I want to see if I really did as well as I think I did. Pretty sure I will spend the whole time saying…am I that fat? I’m not THAT fat, am I? Am I really that fat?
We’e exactly alike. Except I don’t want to watch my video because I don’t want to know that I didn’t do as well as I think I did.
So glad the first row didn’t need ponchos, aka Gallagher style. I’m anxious to watch the videos of the readings. Sounds like it’s a wonderful show.
You and me both! It really was a wonderful show. All of the stories were amazing. I’ll probably binge-watch them all of July. 😉
I don’t think that any of us (except you) are surprised that you did so well. I’m glad it was such a rewarding experience and look forward to watching it. Last night I finished reading your piece in Surviving Mental Health through Humor, which I’d read before, but was amazed once again by your writing, story telling, and resilience. I’ll stop gushing now, lest you think I’ve formed a girl crush on you…;)
Bart came with you to Portland? Sheesh! #FuckOffBart already!
Don’t stop, Margot. Don’t ever stop. 😉
You’ll be pleased to know that BART HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
xoxo
well, Jennifer Lawrence trips too, so you are in good company!
I kept telling myself that all night. 😉
I can’t wait to read your story–I love the phrase fuckity fuck. And I’m with you in solidarity on tripping and falling. I have an epic tale that needs to be told about an unfortunate fall off a treadmill, but there are so many other falls, too. Walking is hard, yo.
I can’t wait to read your epic tale. Walking is hard. YO.
I can’t wait to see it! I’m really happy for you that it went well. I can totally feel for you. I constantly trip and fall A LOT.
Thank you. And my condolences.
I’m so freakin’ glad it went so well. Let’s trip together soon. <– double entendre
Oh my goodness, I am a tripper too. The number of spectacularly embarrassing falls I could tell you about would fill a book.
So glad LTYM went well!
Congrats on your big night! I love the Ellen inspired group photo!! P.s. you have a very wise hubby, Foxy! I look forward to the video. 🙂
Congratulations! Glad everything went well and only a little sad that there’s going to be no hilarious video of a champagne drunk woman tripping onto the stage 😉
I didn’t know about Listen to Your Mother until right now, which is barely too late, and I live in Portland. That is a tragedy.
Also, I’ve had to have surgery three times from tripping and falling. Twice, from stumbling on my home stairs: Once for a broken toe, once for a herniated disk. A third (and fourth, and fifth, technically) for a broken ankle after I hit my head on a ship at work (I’m a longshoreman), knocked myself out, and fell. Wine was involved two out of the three times. I’ll let you guess which two.