WTF Is on My Face?

I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad. @foxywinepocket | humor

I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad.

It all started a few months ago. At first I thought the ailment was acne. Because Mother Nature is an asshole and continues to punish me with pimples even though I’ve moved to the wrinkle-and-whisker phase of life. I tried covering the infestation with makeup. Only then I had a cake-y, beige-y, hot mess going on.

And I picked at it. Because I’m a picker—I just can’t help it. So then the affliction got a little bloody and oozy. My friends would awkwardly stare at my face when we were together. Sometimes, when I wasn’t in the mood for talking anymore, I’d move my chin up toward their faces and watch them slowly back away.

Not surprisingly, the cover-up and picking did little to stop the facial invasion. In fact, it got worse. Certain that it was some sort of deadly rash, I tried cortisone cream—the duct tape of skin creams. And it did help at first, but after a few days, my facial pustules just came back in full force.

One of my rude friends asked, “What’s that on your face?”

“Herpes,” I declared as I gave her an extra close hug.

Then I tried anti-fungal cream, but that didn’t help even one bit. (Thank gawd. Who wants mushrooms growing out of her face?)

Fearing leprosy, I went back to the cortisone cream and posted a picture in one of my writing groups. I had no choice—my husband long ago banned me from self-diagnosing on WebMD, and I needed help because my face was going to start falling off in chunks.

My writer-friend who is also a nurse suggested that it could be impetigo. A quick google search on impetigo resulted in words like “highly contagious,” “staphylococcus,” and “Methicillin-resistant staph aureus (MRSA).” Clearly, I was going to die.

“HOLY FUCK BALLS!”

“What’d you say, Mom?” my 9-year-old asked from the other room.

“Oh, uhhh, I said, ‘Moldy Duck Walls.’ It’s a new band.”

Finally, because I like living and all, I dragged my lethal-bacteria-face to the doctor. Turns out the rash is not impetigo. It’s perioral dermatitis—some boring, annoying rash that women get. (Men generally don’t. Assholes. Of course not.) It *could* be related to hormones, steroids, cosmetics, fluorinated toothpaste, chewing gum, facial creams, oral contraceptives, or a variety of other things.

In other words, they have no fucking clue what causes it.

The doctor assured me that I had done nothing wrong and that it’s not contagious. I just got unlucky. But that I was lucky in that it’s a minor malady. Gee, I’ve heard that before. A couple of times.

Perioral dermatitis can last up to two years. TWO FUCKING YEARS. I need to put topical erythromycin on the rash for at least a couple of months. And I can’t wear any make-up until it’s gone. (Okay, that part is actually good.)

Unfortunately, the topical medicine sometimes dries into a flaky, white crust, which leaves me looking like I’ve just woken up from a nap with slobber on my face. Or perhaps dried something else (but we all know that’s not possible).

The other bummer is, since I’ve stopped using the cortisone creme, the rash itches like a MOTHERFUCKER. So I’ve just started telling everyone it’s jock itch and watching them figure that one out.

Photo Credit: maxximmm / 123RF Stock Photo

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47 Responses

  1. Sucks. I’ve hit mid forties now and guess what? My face still LOVES to break out with zits! It’s great. The only thing that keeps it under control is my constant use of Proactive. I swear at this pace I’ll still be using Proactive in my 90’s. It’s ridiculous. I’ve always had to go to battle with my face. How do those people with perfectly smooth skin do that? I mean, really???

  2. 2 years?! I love how casual doctors are when they don’t know what causes something and really don’t have an effective treatment. I don’t find “Could be worse!” statements to be very helpful, either.

    I hope it clears sooner rather than later. Keep your damn picking hands off of it for Christ’s sake! And keep up the awesome comebacks to your friends who ask what it is.

    1. Once I read “MRSA,” I stopped picking. I promise. And the ointment has already started working. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t take two years!

  3. Sympathies, and thank you for spreading your hard won knowledge. I have went without make up since after my accident where a deer jumped thru the window and tap danced on my face and I got brain damage, and i accidentally made a tattoo (blob) with my mascara near my eye. After i had to have the plastic surgeon remove that while he was fixing my scars I decided I would have to go au nauturalle. ( after all next time my hand jumped without my knowledge it could go in my eye and blind and brain damaged was just too much, ya know? since it was a choice) Anyways hugs and I love your tales, you have a gift with words and I hope you are inspired to write forever.

  4. Seriously – men have it fairly easy .. minus the REAL jock itch, I’d imagine.

    I have this one spot on my chin/side of my mouth-ish area. Continually breaks out.

    for no reason. I hate mother nature.

    1. Mother Nature is an asshole. Period. And men do have it easy. Except for those balls. I wouldn’t know what to do with those.

  5. Unfortunately, many doctors don’t know what this is and how to treat it. I found an old dermatologist who diagnosed it right off the bat. He gave me some oral tetracycline and it cleared up in days. I laughed, because you described its misery so well.

    1. We tried the erythromycin first because it was WAAAAAAAY cheaper for me than the other. It’s working. Crossing my finger it keeps for both of us. xo

  6. About four years ago my doctor diagnosed me with rosacea. Which also they know nothing about and NEVER goes away. I spread that damn anti-bacterial cream on my face twice a day every day and still when I go out in the sun or get stressed my cheeks light up like Rudolph’s nose. That’s really helpful at the poker table, let me tell you.

    The worst is that at some point it can wander into MY EYES. Please, god, no….

  7. Foxy-
    I’ve been reading your blog awhile now. I always enjoy seeing it on my inbox! You write with humor and honesty, even about your painful struggles. I appreciate that. When I was reading WTF is on my face?? I thought to myself- “she’s got what I got”, and by golly, you did!! I did tw same thing for awhile, trying to self treat with cortisone, etc, which makes it worse. I just wanted to tell you that my deem put me on a course of oral antibiotics, 2x/day for 30 days. I was on doxycycline. Sometimes you need to stay on it for 2 months. Mine was gone in 30 days, but yes it can come back. My derm gave me a prescription with multiple refills so I can fill it if/when it comes back. Had to go on it again 6 months later, but I would say that you should NOT have to think you need to be dealing with that on your face for 2 years. That’s crazy! Hope you heal fast and that in all ways you are feeling better these days!

    1. I’ve had the same thing. My dermatologist also gave me the antibiotic treatment for two months (Minocycline, the first time and then doxycycline when it OF COURSE came back). It should not go on for two years, and you should not suffer the itch, for crap sake!!!
      Second opinion, or maybe talk to your doc about it again. Two years, with that crap on your face, is not ok. If it is not diminishing, you may be eating more of what causes it. Mine was NUTELLA (and now I want to die without it). I noticed that when I binged on Nutella, the crap would show up. Last time it showed up, I stopped eating the Nectar of the Gods, and it slowly cleared up on it’s own. I don’t know that life is worth living, but, hey, my skin only breaks out in regular, unoriginal pimples now! Yay!
      Also, “perioral dermatitis” in latin means “rash around the mouth”. That is how far they got with naming it and in their knowledge of it!

      1. Oh my gosh, you ladies are awesome! So far the erythromycin is working. But we’re going to the next level (read: way more expensive stuff) if I have problems. I said “FUCK THAT” when I heard two years.

  8. I have it too. It can get totally out of control with no rhyme or reason. I use Clindamycin cream and take oral doxycycline when it flares up. I will claim to have jock itch next time though!!

  9. Ugh, I totally feel your pain! Imagine use over 40 gals that are hoping for the onset of menopause and we’re still getting zits and other unmentionable things on our faces! Oh and let us not forget the scalp acne that can develop from changing shampoos. Oy vey! Life is grand! Hope your face clears up soon!

  10. That’s just not right. I think it happened to you so you could write this hilarious post about it. Because when God closes a door he opens a window, a window that lets in dermatitis apparently.

    1. I’m usually (eventually) happy odd things happen so I’ll have writing material, but sometimes it would be nice for these little “opportunities” to call ahead and ask, “Hey, there, hot stuff (Weird stuff likes to flirt). You ready for some crazy shit to go down?”

      Then you could reply, “None today, please.” (Because manners are important.)

      “OK. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

  11. Coconut oil!! My kid once had a weird skim thing going on (molluscum) that was very contagious. Said it could take up to a year to clear up. Slathered him in coconut oil every night and it was alllll gone in 3 weeks and never came back 🙂 Worth a try!

    1. I HATE molluscum. We’re dealing with that right now too. Not me, thank goodness. Picking up the coconut oil tomorrow.

    1. RIGHT?! I’m so pissed I deleted the picture I posted in that writing group. It was such a good angle. And sadly/not sadly, the rash is clearing up.

  12. I’ve been in the “whiskers” phase since I was 12. Seriously, it’s like I’m half badger, if that badger only lived on my chin. Okay. My lip, too. Thanks, evolution. Way to do this girl a solid.

  13. Organic Apple Cider Vinager – stinks but cleared my similar rash that I had for months, in just a few days. Google it, it works for a lot of people.

  14. This sounds horrible – but look on the bright side — at least you don’t have cellulitis. A friend of mine got that on her face and it kept spreading and spreading until nearly her whole face and neck were involved. Her face looked like raw meat that a dog had chewed up and spit out (and apparently it was incredibly painful). She was on IV antibiotics for the longest time to get it under control. My daughter just recently DID have herpes on her face. She has always gotten cold sores on her lips from time to time – but the usual, one or two at a time. This time, her entire lips were nothing but one big cold sore and then it spread to under her nose and on her lower cheeks! Luckily an anti-viral seemed to clear her up within a week, but she didn’t want to leave the house in the meantime.

  15. Hi! I’m a skincare consultant with Rodan + Fields (the two dermatologists who created Proactiv). I have a skincare regimen that will clear up your perioral dermatitis in a few months. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s true! The regimen is called Soothe. Search “perioral dermatitis” on Facebook and you can find a post I just did about it on Oct. 13, complete with photograph! I would love to help you! Find me on Facebook: Rebecca Campbell or email me: rfskinrocks@gmail.com. Best wishes!!

  16. Only you could make something so crappy so entertaining! Sending good thoughts that it clears up quickly and thank you for once again giving me a well needed laugh! xo

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