My mother almost died a few weeks ago. Like—was rushed by ambulance to the ER, spent nine days in the hospital, needed multiple transfusions in the ICU—almost died.

To say the experience was scary and stressful is an understatement. But, we also had some fun. And, because I’m nothing if not helpful, I’ve compiled a list of ways you can have fun while your mom (or another loved one) is in ICU as well.

1. Appreciate the firefighters’, uhhh, skill as they load your mom into the emergency vehicle. Take a stealthy a picture to show your mother later. Because you know she’ll appreciate it.
2. Admire the fancy barf bags in the ER. Pretend to puke. Perform a puppet show for your unconscious parental unit.

3. Say, “Azrael? Are you dead?” any time you re-enter your mom’s hospital room.
4. Then say, “Fortunately, you are only mostly dead.”
5. Any time she gets a shot or a new IV, reassure your mom, “It’s just a little prick… Bet you never thought you’d be happy about that, eh?”
6. Talk your doped-up mom into making obscene hand gestures. Be sure to capture a photo.

7. Then entertain yourself the nursing staff with your E.T. impersonations.
8. While she’s sleeping, confess all of the bad stuff you did as a child. Don’t leave anything out.
9. Embrace your 12-year-old boy humor when reviewing the bed controls.

10. While pet-sitting her dog, break the “ABSOLUTELY NO GLASS ON THE PATIO” rule.

11. Then do it again the next day because it was fun.

12. When FaceTiming your husband at night, put on a clown nose to see if he’s really paying attention to you.

13. Do things you know would really annoy your mom, like leaving dishes in the sink overnight and not making the bed in the morning.

14. Console yourself that your mother’s snoring dog is still quieter than your snoring husband.
15. Delight in the new use for your carry-on bag—it’s a mobile office!

P.S. Mom, I’m so glad you’re doing better. xoxo

P.P.S. I drank all of your wine. And your beer.

Photo Credit: arnoaltix / 123RF Stock Photo

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