Me, uncensored.
The first time I kissed Mr. Foxy, I immediately knew he was “the one.” Surreal and glittery and heart stopping, the moment our lips touched, I saw our entire future together, and it was warm and tingly. (I’m talking about the vision, not my lady parts.)
So what did I do after I discovered we were destined for each other? Well, I broke up with him. Naturally.
“Bacon is my favorite long food!” At age three, my son gifted me one of my proudest mommy moments:
My child could properly categorize food, and he appreciated one of the most magical flavors in the world.
Not that I’m biased, but bacon really is the best long food. And flat food. And able-to-be-crumbled food. I’ve been known to mix it with nuts. Put it in pancakes. And create an entire dinner party menu in which every single dish—from appetizers to dessert—includes bacon.
To celebrate my son’s newfound enthusiasm for cured pork and to support his insatiable bandage habit (he goes through approximately 20,000 each week), I purchased a shit-ton of, you guessed it, bacon bandages.
I’ve been seeing all these beautiful pictures of my friends and their spouses on Facebook in the “Love Your Spouse Challenge,” a seven-day challenge designed to “celebrate your special union.” First dates. Weddings. Nights out on the town. Perfection, right?
Some of you have even created hilarious spoofs by posting pictures of your grilled-cheese sandwiches, burritos, and doughnuts (don’t you spell it “donut” or I will cut you). Hilarious, for sure, but not the real challenge.
The glamour shots aren’t the real challenge either though. It’s too easy to post flawless pictures of you and your spouse—special moments and occasions that highlight your love at its finest. What about the ugly moments? The hard ones? (That’s what she said.) The unflattering pictures? That’s where the real challenge comes in.
Allow me to up the ante.
“If I could loan you my eyes, you would see how perfect he is.” My grandma declared this any time someone would dare insult my grandpa. She adored him, and he her. They had a true love affair.
I believe everyone should know such intense love—a feeling so strong, a bond so tight, a connection so deep that certain flaws get overlooked, because no one is perfect. Take my husband for example.
While he can always find the TV remote (even if it’s hidden in the couch cushions), he absolutely can not find any easily locatable household object ever.
Although we don’t talk every day, I think about you constantly. An inside joke here, a shared sorrow there—I love these reminders of you, and I want to ensure you know a few things.
Sometimes out of nowhere, a song latches on to your brain, slithers through the gyri, and won’t leave until you stick an icepick in your ear.
Actually, that happens to me quite frequently. Commercial jingles and 70s sitcom theme songs surprise and “delight” me by their random appearances in my head. (Unless it’s Friday. I hate that shit.)
Naturally I feel obliged to infect entertain everyone around me by sharing those songs.
Loudly.
Listen up, men. We women are hard-working, exhausted, and possibly a bit cranky from our daily demands. Oftentimes, we’re not feeling in the least bit sexy. As manly as you try to sound, “Wanna do it?” is not going to get our juices flowing. Your tried-and-true mating rituals, like flashing your man parts or slapping our backsides, are much more likely to get an eye roll than a roll in the hay. These days, if you really want to turn us on, try a few of these mood enhancers instead:
The clutter in my house seems to reproduce at an exponential rate. (I blame my husband and children.) In an effort to curtail the clutter babies, I looked into Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing
Her “revolutionary” method promises to take tidying to a whole new level and lead to dramatic results. Best of all, if you follow all of the instructions in her bestseller, you’ll never have to organize again. Sold! I purchased the book online, along with a Veggetti Spiral Vegetable Slicer, Makes Veggie Pasta
Apparently my post on what women really think about blowjobs offended some people. People of the penis-toting variety. It seems there are a lot of men out there who don’t like to hear that giving head is not a top priority (or a top joy) for some women.
I feel the need to reiterate that I never suggested that ladies don’t or shouldn’t give oral sex; I just said that we don’t enjoy it as much as men would like to think (or as much as porn actresses would have them believe). I would also like to point out that I encouraged people to give it as much as they want to get it.
Still, a number of men were offended that I suggested that sucking the salami is not exactly pleasant for the ladies. And some were so outraged they tried to throw in my face that going downtown on their female partners wasn’t so pleasant either.
What a bunch of fucking whiners.
We women are obsessed with our lady gardens. We want everything about them to be perfect. The insides and the outsides. The hair, the skin, the age, the vitality. We spend tons of time, money, and energy to present the most spectacular love canal possible to our partners.
Depending on the vaginal beautification procedure, it can be painful, expensive, and time consuming. But still, we INTENTIONALLY put ourselves through this money-sucking torture.
Having a vagina myself, I have a few thoughts on some the most popular ways to spruce up the lady bits:
