Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

I Can’t Look. You Do It.

By

LTYMScreenShot

Earlier this year I got up on a Portland stage in front of hundreds of people and told one of the most disgusting stories I know.

And they recorded it.

And put it on YouTube.

I had Mr. Foxy watch it to make sure it was actually me in the video. But I can’t bring myself to do so. (At least not sober.)

You do it. And let me know if it’s okay for me to watch.

My thanks to Listen to Your Mother for providing such a wonderful forum for people to tell their stories. Be sure to join me in binge-watching the rest of the videos.


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

8 Ways to Eat Crow after You Have Kids

By

7 Ways to Eat Crow after You Have Kids @foxywinepocket funny | parenting

Parenting was a lot easier before you had kids, right? We understand. We were once perfect parents without children too. There were so many things our offspring would never do: act like a child, behave in a developmentally-appropriate-but-undesirable manner, and willfully disregard our wise parental counsel.

If you’re like us, you probably muttered the phrase, “When I have kids, they’ll never…” a few too many times. Now that you have erratic little shit-disturbers of your own, it’s biting you in the ass. (Don’t worry. Our asses hurt too.) Well, saddle up at the crow-eating table with the rest of us. We’re enjoying a variety of dishes.

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

10 Reasons Summer Sucks

By

10 Reasons Why Summer Sucks

All over the country, moms and dads are counting down the days until the school year is over. They are writing love letters to summer vacation, singing songs of liberation, and rejoicing about the end of all things school-related.

Quite frankly, I don’t get it. ‘Cuz I think summer sucks.

“What?!”  you shout with indignation.

Yep, you heard me right. Summer sucks. I mean, sure, I’m going to enjoy sleeping in a wee bit more each day. I will no doubt be relieved to not have school projects that are assigned to my children but end up being my problem. And I won’t experience car-line rage. But overall, the school year is FAR SUPERIOR.

Here’s why summer sucks:

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Motherhood Is Disgusting

By

Motherhood Is Disgusting @foxywinepocket #humor

It’s such an amazing feeling—bringing home your perfect newborn, in a brand-new outfit, into the beautifully-appointed nursery. Everything is so sparkly and fresh and tidy. But after the umpteenth spit-up, the zillionth dirty diaper, and the inevitable projectile poop, you realize: Crap. Kids are messy. And *I’m* the one who has to clean up after them.

So you look around your now stained and cluttered house, and you methodically adapt to your new reality. You stash baby wipes in every room and purse. You go to IKEA and buy a gajillion bins to store the toys. And you revel in the dog’s ability to clean in and around the high chair after every meal.

But try as you might, you simply can’t fully prepare for every mess.

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

I Cancelled Fun and My Son Took It Back

By

I Cancelled Fun and My Son Took It Back

Some days I’ve got a shorter parenting fuse than others. Last week was one of those times. I went into my daughter’s closet to find a particular item, and I was knocked over by an avalanche of clothing and toys and random crap that she had stuffed in there.

I threw my angry face in her direction and snapped, “WHAT. IS. THAT?! You were supposed to clean your room this weekend.”

I pointed at the carnage and waited for a response.

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Are You a Shower Tyrant Too? (And Some Hot, Steamy News)

By

Are You a Shower Tyrant Too? @foxywinepocket

When I was in high school, one of my teachers declared her shower off-limits to her husband and children. She told the entire class that no one—NO ONE—was allowed in the shower with her.

The hormonally-charged (read: HORNY) teenager (that would be me) stared perplexedly as she explained her radical shower stance. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand her point—that husbands and wives have different needs and must respect each other’s space. (The shower was only one example.) It was that I couldn’t comprehend not wanting to take a shower with someone.

After all, I had just been caught showering with my boyfriend at summer camp.

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Surviving the Grandparent Hangover

By

You know that irritating phenomenon known as the Grandparent Hangover? Here are tips for surviving it. | @foxywinepocket | humor | grandparents

No one will love your kids quite like their grandparents. No one will listen to (and actually enjoy) your children’s endless prattle. No one will be as (obnoxiously) proud of even the smallest of accomplishments.

And no one—NO ONE—will indulge your kids quite like their grandparents. Especially when the kids are under their care and supervision.

I hope you enjoyed your kid-free time because after you pick the kids up from Grandma’s house, their whiney, cranky, sugar-infused, over-indulged asses are going to be a pain in yours.

I call this irritating phenomenon, the Grandparent Hangover.

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

My “Secret” to One-Day Potty Training

By

My "Secret" to One-day Potty Training @foxywinepocket

When my daughter was approaching age two, everyone (read: my mother and mother-in-law) kept telling me that it was time to get her out of diapers and start teaching her to use the toilet. They gave me all sorts of “helpful” advice on potty training and (probably) silently judged me for not initiating the process sooner.

The problem was my daughter wasn’t even remotely interested in using the toilet (other than as a swimming pool for her dolls) so I left the issue alone, because lazy thinking “She’s Ready When She’s Ready.”

As she approached two and a half, the peer pressure started (from my peers, not hers). Smug bitches Well-intentioned moms would inquire about my daughter’s potty-training status and (probably) silently judged me for not initiating the process sooner.

My daughter was still not interested in the toilet. At that point, however, I started to think that maybe I was behind (pun intended, always), and so I researched and purchased all of the necessary (read: over-priced and absolutely unnecessary) supplies:

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

That’s a Good Jesus Story

By

That’s a Good Jesus Story @foxywinepocket

My children are much better Catholics than I am. They attend Catholic school and have learned waaaay more than I ever did about the Bible and Catholicism. I’m not sure they’ll end up being practicing Catholics as adults, but I feel like I’m doing my part in providing exposure to that and other religions.

The problem is that they know way more than I do. And they ask me questions that I can’t answer. I do a lot of this: “Tell me what you think.” And this: “Your sister would love to tell you all about that.”

One time my son came home with a beautiful picture he had drawn depicting the Wedding at Cana. He explained how they performed a play in the classroom, and he was Jesus. I admired his picture and asked about the play, but honestly, I didn’t remember the Wedding at Cana. AT ALL.

[Read more…]


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)