It’s that time of year again: time to pick the annual science project for grade school. You know, the science project that your child is supposed to do, but then you, the parents, end up doing most of the work (or the reminding and badgering)? This science project “belongs” to my daughter Erin. Last year, when she was in 4^th grade, her project was to see if plants would grow better in UV light or natural sunlight. (I swear I have no idea how she came up with that idea. No, really, I don’t.) So, basically, we had a grow-house operation for two months. Priceless.

This year, unfortunately, Erin has been having a very difficult time deciding what her science project should be. She’s been tossing around ideas and is completely stumped. I told her to google “5^th grade science projects,”  but she threw a hormonally-fueled fit balked and said then it wouldn’t be her coming up with an idea on her own. I resisted the urge to discuss how leveraging other people’s ideas is a very effective strategy in life.

Instead, I came up with an incredible list of potential science projects based on our everyday life experiences. I mean, really, the work has practically been done for her already. And we won’t have to go out and buy any supplies.

Ideas for Erin’s (or Your Child’s) 5th Grade Science Project:

• Which herb in the herb garden can live the longest without being watered? I am an expert at this one. EXPERT. And the answer is thyme. There’s a reason it’s my favorite.
• How many days must pass before dog shit stops emitting a foul smell and turns into a petrified turd? Clearly this is an outdoor project. And Mr. Foxy’s forte.
• Which vegetable will rot in the refrigerator the quickest? Although with last week’s vegetables already rotted consumed, we’ll have to go buy new ones. So I won’t be pushing for this one.
• Which substance wipes away the quickest with a baby wipe: toothpaste, dog slobber, or milk? This experiment is designed for the counter. Yes, we have dog slobber on our counter. Don’t you?
• On which surface do boogers dry the fastest: the wall, the couch, or under the table? I think my son can help us with the supplies for this project. In fact, he probably has already successfully executed this entire project—complete with charts and graphs.
• How many days does an empty milk box make the car reek like a zombie’s asshole? Nevermind. I’m not willing to conduct this experience again.
• If you put milk in a sippy cup and leave it in a dark closet, how long does it take to turn into a cheese ball? Erin actually did this exact science project when she was 3, but I’m sure we can recreate it.

Surprisingly, Erin didn’t like any of these ideas. I asked her what more she could possibly want from me and maybe she should just go google “5th grade science project” after all. That conversation didn’t end well.

After a lot of drama and sass, she finally came up with an idea on her own. I don’t know if it will get the Science teacher’s approval, but it definitely has mine.

Which cleaner best removes stains from fabric? She will use three commercial cleaners and a homemade solution, along with a large strip of carpet remnant. (I put the kibosh on using the actual carpet.) And, of course, a large stain on that remnant. And the stain she picked? Yep, you guessed it: wine. (Again, I have no idea how she comes up with these ideas.)

As the results of this project will have a far-reaching impact, I’ll report back with the final conclusion. You’re welcome.

Photo Credit: By Tweenk (Own work) [CC BY 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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