Foxy – Page 9

The Kiss List

I kept a list of all of the people I've kissed and done, uhhh, other stuff with. Doesn't everyone have one? @foxywinepocket | humor

This past weekend, my freighbors (neighbors who are also friends) and I were sitting around a fire pit, drinking wine, and shooting the shit. We told stories of past parties, neighbors we have violated, and other ridiculous shenanigans.

The exact sequence of events is a little fuzzy (did I mention the wine?), but as often happens when I’m around, the conversation turned to sex. Somehow (I’m certain it wasn’t me though) we started playing “Slutty, Nerdy, or Normal.” You know, the game where you self-select one of those words to describe your sexual history and try to guess (without judgment—this is all in good fun) which your friends will pick? That one.

When I declared myself “normal,” my freighbors didn’t believe me. They suggested I was lying and/or hiding something. Fortunately, for my good name (meaning I wasn’t lying), I have proof.

I have a Kiss List.

[Read more…] about The Kiss List

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How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

By Foxy

How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

I’m not gonna lie. I was thrilled when my daughter decided to quit dance. Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely loved watching her perform. She’s a beautiful, graceful dancer. (Clearly she did not get that from me.)

But I hate the annual torture known as the dance recital. (Honestly, my colonoscopy was less unpleasant.) I could complain endlessly about those damn recitals, but because I’m a problem solver, I’ve come up with a list of ways to improve them. Check it out on Scary Mommy, and let me know if you have any more brilliant ideas.

Photo Credit: anutaray / 123RF Stock Photo

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8 Signs Your Midlife Crisis Is Approaching

By Foxy

8 Signs Your Midlife Crisis Is Approaching @foxywinepocket

My grandma is 95, and I’m ~~almost~~ not even half her age. Ergo, I am too young for a midlife crisis.

(If I keep repeating that to myself it will come true, right?)

But the clues are all there … it’s coming. Here are eight signs your (my) midlife crisis may be approaching.

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What Do You Do with a Bag of Dickeys?

By Foxy

I’m giving away a bag of dickeys. Want some?

I guess before any dickey transactions, I should give you a little warm-up. See, when I was in junior high, I wore a lot of oversized sweatshirts and Cosby sweaters (wait—are we still allowed to use that phrase?). Underneath these garments, I always wore turtlenecks. Not because it’s cold here in the mild-weather-capital of the world. Because that’s what we did in middle school. It was The Look.

See? (I could have included at least a dozen more horrible photos.)

So I’m getting ready to attend a conference in Baltimore, and one of the parties has a Middle School to the Max theme. Naturally I thought of my sweatshirt and turtleneck combination. But it will be June in Baltimore—two layers would turn me into a sweaty, melty mess. (Not unlike when I discovered my 8^th grade boyfriend had kissed another girl, but I don’t want to repeat that look.)

Clearly, I had to get my hands on a dickey. (That’s what she said.)

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10 Reasons Summer Sucks

By Foxy

10 Reasons Why Summer Sucks

All over the country, moms and dads are counting down the days until the school year is over. They are writing love letters to summer vacation, singing songs of liberation, and rejoicing about the end of all things school-related.

Quite frankly, I don’t get it. ‘Cuz I think summer sucks.

“What?!” you shout with indignation.

Yep, you heard me right. Summer sucks. I mean, sure, I’m going to enjoy sleeping in a wee bit more each day. I will no doubt be relieved to not have school projects that are assigned to my children but end up being my problem. And I won’t experience car-line rage. But overall, the school year is FAR SUPERIOR.

Here’s why summer sucks:

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Motherhood Is Disgusting

By Foxy

Motherhood Is Disgusting @foxywinepocket #humor

It’s such an amazing feeling—bringing home your perfect newborn, in a brand-new outfit, into the beautifully-appointed nursery. Everything is so sparkly and fresh and tidy. But after the umpteenth spit-up, the zillionth dirty diaper, and the inevitable projectile poop, you realize: Crap. Kids are messy. And *I’m* the one who has to clean up after them.

So you look around your now stained and cluttered house, and you methodically adapt to your new reality. You stash baby wipes in every room and purse. You go to IKEA and buy a gajillion bins to store the toys. And you revel in the dog’s ability to clean in and around the high chair after every meal.

But try as you might, you simply can’t fully prepare for every mess.

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I Didn’t Trip and Fall (This Time)

By Foxy

I Didn't Trip and Fall (This Time) @foxywinepocket

If my life had a bloopers reel, it would contain hundreds (possibly thousands) of scenes of me tripping and falling on my face. In holes. On bumps. Down stairs. UP stairs. Over absolutely nothing at all.

Seriously, I trip about once a week with a spectacular fall at least monthly.

The (possibly) most cringe-worthy spill happened in college. My boyfriend and I went to a fancy restaurant, and there was a staircase leading directly into the middle of the dining room. About halfway down the stairs, my heel caught on the carpet, and I fell to my knees. Fortunately, my hand caught the railing so I was able to hoist myself back up fairly quickly (and without too many people noticing). But then I took one more step and fell AGAIN. This time I didn’t catch myself, and I slid on my knees down several stairs as the entire room of fancy diners watched. I was able to grab a hold of the railing, only my bracelet got stuck on something. It broke and flew across the room. Along with my dignity.

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My Son Could Have His Own TV Show

By Foxy

If you’ve been around here long, you know I love to write about the quirky conversations that my son Colin and I have. He’s fabulous: very smart and extremely sweet. He’s also a bit unusual. He’s been compared to Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Spencer Reid. (Yes, we’re constantly working on his social skills and “street smarts.”)

But the bottom line? Colin is a really great kid.

One of the many things that I love about the boy is that he is very literal and rule-oriented. And he’s damn funny. He keeps me laughing on a daily basis. Here are a few of my absolute favorite quips from him.

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I Cancelled Fun and My Son Took It Back

By Foxy

I Cancelled Fun and My Son Took It Back

Some days I’ve got a shorter parenting fuse than others. Last week was one of those times. I went into my daughter’s closet to find a particular item, and I was knocked over by an avalanche of clothing and toys and random crap that she had stuffed in there.

I threw my angry face in her direction and snapped, “WHAT. IS. THAT?! You were supposed to clean your room this weekend.”

I pointed at the carnage and waited for a response.

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I Wrote an Open Letter to Bruce Jenner

By Foxy

When I was in 4^th grade, we had to write a letter to a celebrity as a class assignment. I wrote my letter to Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons. (I know it’s Rick now, but back then it was Ricky.) One of my classmates wrote to Ricky too. She told him that he was dreamy and that she loved his blonde hair and that she’d like to ride on his train. (That was not a euphemism; his Silver Spoons character had a train in his house, remember?)

I, however, wrote to Ricky and told him that I enjoyed his show and that I really enjoyed the character of Derek Taylor. (Which if you didn’t already know was played by Jason Bateman. My love for him goes back THAT far.) And that it’d be great if Derek could be in more episodes. A LOT MORE.

That may have not been the best approach to get Ricky to write me back. After that fail, I stopped writing to celebrities.

Until this week, that is. This week I wrote a more serious letter to Bruce Jenner. I think it’s pretty important. Please read it and let me know if I did a better job this time.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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