Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

How I Answer “The Question”

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I was asked a very personal question. Naturally, I fumbled my way through it and then WALKED AWAY. @foxywinepocket | humor

“So, what do you do?” My husband’s new CFO asked me at the Christmas party.

“I’m a writer,” I said with confidence.

“What do you write about?”

“Uhhh, well, lots of things. Humor mostly. Some serious stuff.”

“I love to laugh. What kind of humor do you write?”

Not wanting to gamble my husband’s new job, I avoided all discussion of my pubic grooming habits, sex life, and blowjobs. “Oh you know, parenting humor and, uh, stuff. Wait. Are those more egg rolls?”

And I WALKED AWAY.

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When It Rains, It Poops

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After you have a baby, you experience some of the biggest WTF moments of your life. Many involve poop. @foxywinepocket | funny | parenting | WTF

I nestled my head deep into my soft pillow, already savoring the luxurious taste of impending sleep. My newborn son, wrapped tightly in his flannel blanket, had finally passed out in his crib after a marathon nursing session.

My limbs melted into the mattress. My eyelids succumbed to the heaviness. My jaw went slack. This stretch of sleep was going to be absolutely delicious.

Somewhere on the periphery of consciousness, my mind registered our sweet, maternal dog hop up on the bed. She had followed me back from the nursery. Without opening my eyes, I recognized the pattern of movement as she circled repeatedly, making the perfect resting spot.

As her 65-pound body finally collapsed in an exhausted heap next to my pillow, I felt heavy, warm raindrops splatter my face and upper body.

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How Do You Survive?

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As you know, Foxy Wine Pocket is a humor blog. It’s a humor blog because I like to write about all things funny, and I like to make people laugh, including myself.

I love laughter. It’s part of how I cope. How I make it through the day. How I survive.

See, I live with chronic depression and have been living with it for my entire adult life. More recently, I have also been struggling with anxiety. And I’ve found that laughter is one of my most important forms of therapy.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Are You a Shower Tyrant Too? (And Some Hot, Steamy News)

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Are You a Shower Tyrant Too? @foxywinepocket

When I was in high school, one of my teachers declared her shower off-limits to her husband and children. She told the entire class that no one—NO ONE—was allowed in the shower with her.

The hormonally-charged (read: HORNY) teenager (that would be me) stared perplexedly as she explained her radical shower stance. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand her point—that husbands and wives have different needs and must respect each other’s space. (The shower was only one example.) It was that I couldn’t comprehend not wanting to take a shower with someone.

After all, I had just been caught showering with my boyfriend at summer camp.

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Do You STILL Want to Pee Alone?

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I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone is coming March 27, 2015!

(This is not a post about golden showers.)

I actually don’t need to pee alone. It’s not that I don’t like to pee alone; it’s just that it’s rare when I’m completely by myself while in the bathroom. Between my dog, my kids, and my husband, the toilet is like an office water cooler. (We don’t drink from it.)

So I usually pee with an audience, and I’m okay with it. (Mostly.)

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How to Survive the Holidays

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Thanksgiving is a joyful time to give thanks for all of our blessings and good fortune. It’s an annual celebration of family, loved ones, and “the harvest,” right? Sure. But it’s also a time of family bickering, passive-aggressive comments, colossal fuck-ups, social faux pas, and domestic disasters.

To stay sane during these annual “celebrations,” my husband and I have developed our own coping strategy. We call it the Dysfunctional Family Drinking Game. It is a secret game that only the two of us play, and it is designed to make us laugh at the foibles and follies during Thanksgiving and any large holiday gathering.

I describe how to play this game and give a COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL, 100% FICTITIOUS account of how this game might play out in our house in the hilarious anthology, Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays.

How to Survive the Holidays @foxywinepocket #humor #holiday #recipes

In addition to our drinking game, this book is full of easy recipes, hysterical stories, and fabulous gift ideas. So what I’m saying is that you should go buy it now. It’s only $2.99, and it will fill your holidays with laughter and help you stay sane. It also helps a great cause—to feed hungry families at Thanksgiving. A portion of all sales will benefit Scary Mommy Nation’s (an official 501(c)3 charity) Thanksgiving Project, striving to ensure that every Scary Mommy can celebrate Thanksgiving with her family. How awesome is that? Pretty fucking awesome.

Buy it now from Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iBooks.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

I’m giving away a Starbucks gift card to one lucky book owner—so you can enjoy a delicious beverage or two while reading the book (you’re responsible for your own coffee “additives”). Buy the book and leave a comment here telling me you bought the book. I’m working on the honor system, but I reserve the right to ask for proof should things seem hinky. (If they seem kinky, I’ll leave them be.) I’ll randomly pick a winner on November 22nd.*

starbucksstuff

* Unfortunately the Starbucks gift card is only available to U.S. residents, but the hilarious book is available EVERYWHERE!


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My Next Coffee Table Book: Soapy Dog Fur Art

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My Next Coffee Table Book: Soapy Dog Fur Art @foxywinepocket #sheslosthermind #sendhelp

Like most people, I hate chores. But some chores I dread more than others. If I had to rank my chores from least hated to most hated, it would be:

  1. Grocery shopping (At least I’m spending money.)
  2. Cooking (Wine makes this a little better.)
  3. Yard work (Mmmm, shower beers pull me through.)
  4. Cleaning bathrooms (I’m out of silver linings.)
  5. Laundry (WAY out of them.)
  6. Cleaning out my kids’ rooms (Holy hell, have you seen what’s growing under the bed?)

But the chore I hate the most—the ABSOLUTE MOST—is giving the dog a bath. You might be asking, “Foxy, why don’t you just send your dog to the groomers to get washed instead? That’d be way easier.”

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Because It’s Fun to Laugh at Other People’s Fights, Right?

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About eighteen years ago, my husband ate my sandwich.

*pauses for effect*

HE ATE MY FUCKING SANDWICH. And an epic argument ensued. A. REALLY. BIG. ONE. I mean, we’ve had our fair share of spats and arguments, but The Great Sandwich Tragedy of 1997 is one that has really stuck with me throughout the years. So, naturally, I wrote all about it in a book.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)