Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

I Cancelled Valentine’s Day

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I Cancelled Valentine's Day @foxywinepocket #humor

We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in our house. I cancelled it years ago. (I’m a fan of cancelling things.)

I’m just not a big believer in the overly-commercialized holiday. And it really doesn’t help that Valentine’s Day is within the same three-week timeframe as my son’s birthday, my husband’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary (piss-poor planning on my part).

It gets exhausting buying shit for other people.

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Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party

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Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party @foxywinepocket.com

There are two important things to know before you read this story:

  1. I have some amazing freighbors (friends + neighbors) who throw ridiculously fun parties.
  2. I lost my beloved nut bowl two years ago at one of these parties.

Okay, now the story. This year’s New Year’s party was actually held on Friday, January 2—a brilliant strategy to ensure everyone could attend (and have adequate recovery time). Last year we had a Dead Celebrity theme. This year’s theme was Matchy-Matchy. Inspired by this bit of awesome ridiculousness.

Two of my freighbors teamed up with Mr. Foxy and myself to create DEVO. (Please tell me you remember DEVO and that I’m not really old.) We bought hats and coordinating outfits. I even bought a whip.

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Foxy Favorites

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Foxy Favorites: The Most Popular Posts of 2014 @foxywinepocket

I was recently at a gathering with a bunch of my high school friends. My old debate partner was there, and we were talking about what we’ve been doing lately. My old debate partner is a pediatric endocrinologist at a prestigious university. I’ve been writing about Brazilians and blow jobs.

Same difference, right?

Okay, I’ve written about more than just Brazilians and blow jobs, and I firmly believe that laughter is its own form of medicine. I gathered a few of the most popular pieces of 2014 so you can escape family, work, or general chaos and have a few laughs and feels. I’ve even categorized them for your reading pleasure:

Sex, Lies, and General Inapproriateness

Parenting?

Weird, Random, She-Might-Not-Be-Right-in-the-Head Ridiculousness

My Serious Side

Oh YEAH! I’m in some books too. You should definitely check those out (and buy them)!

Thank you for spending 2014 with me. I’m so grateful you’re here.

Wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Cheers, Foxy xoxo


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

There’s More to My Elf on the Shelf Story

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As you know, Foxy Wine Pocket is a humor blog. So if you’re only here for the funny, you might want to skip this post. It’s okay because I totally get it.

If you’re interested in knowing more about me, however—not just the things that make me laugh, but also the things that make me cry—this is one of those stories.

This is definitely not a humor piece, but it has a happy ending. It’s about making new traditions out of old ones. Finding joy out of sadness.

I’m honored that Scary Mommy will share my story with you. Please give it a read.

Wishing you and yours a very happy holiday. xoxo


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Twelve Lies of Christmas (Don’t Worry—It’s Not an Annoying Song)

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Twelve Lies of Christmas @foxywinepocket

Don’t worry—this is not a parody song. I can’t be bothered redoing that song. It goes on and on forever and ever and gets really annoying by like the first fifth verse. No, this here is a list of twelve actual lies that I tell myself and others over the Christmas season.

This is way better.

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How to Dodge the Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf

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How to Dodge the Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf @foxywinepocket

The other day my daughter and I overheard a dad enthusiastically talking to his kids about their Elf on a Shelf. They were discussing how cute the little guy was and speculating about where he would hide this month.

I gritted my teeth and silently cursed that father. Or rather, I cursed my proximity to that father.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Completely Inappropriate Turkey Texts

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Completely Inappropriate Turkey Texts @foxywinepocket

This morning I was awoken by the buzzing of my phone before 7 AM. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem as I get up pretty early, but this was one of my few days to sleep in. (Don’t hate me because my kids are self-sufficient in the morning.)

Apparently, one of my freighbors (friend + neighbor) was worrying about making her first turkey ever and that it might not go well. So she texted a group of us (nine in total) about it.

It was 6:43 AM.

Now, I love my freighbors—I really do. But 6:43 in the morning is way too early for discussions about turkey.

The worst part? The group text kept going. Another freighbor chimed in, and the two of them kept texting. Then, BAM! BAM! Two more freighbors chimed in.

All before 7 AM.

Hoping to shut them up, I sent the link to my favorite turkey recipe, which is foolproof (and includes bacon, natch). Unfortunately, that didn’t work. They just kept talking turkey tips and exchanging recipes and cooking methods.

I tried to ignore the whole thing and go back to sleep, but then the tone got more interesting because of freighbor #6:

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How to Screw up Thanksgiving Dinner

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Foxy's First Thanksgiving Ended on a Sour Note @foxywinepocket

If my first Turkey Day as a married woman had a sound track, it would include the theme song to Benny Hill—with intermittent puking sounds.

It was 1997, and we had just moved to Portland, Oregon. Mr. Foxy’s parents and sister were traveling from California for the big event. I was freaking out a bit (a lot) because I was going to be outnumbered by my husband’s family. Fortunately, my cousin was attending college in the area and decided to join us to eat free food act as my wingman.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)