Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party

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Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party @foxywinepocket.com

There are two important things to know before you read this story:

  1. I have some amazing freighbors (friends + neighbors) who throw ridiculously fun parties.
  2. I lost my beloved nut bowl two years ago at one of these parties.

Okay, now the story. This year’s New Year’s party was actually held on Friday, January 2—a brilliant strategy to ensure everyone could attend (and have adequate recovery time). Last year we had a Dead Celebrity theme. This year’s theme was Matchy-Matchy. Inspired by this bit of awesome ridiculousness.

Two of my freighbors teamed up with Mr. Foxy and myself to create DEVO. (Please tell me you remember DEVO and that I’m not really old.) We bought hats and coordinating outfits. I even bought a whip.

[Read more…] about Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party


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Foxy Favorites

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Foxy Favorites: The Most Popular Posts of 2014 @foxywinepocket

I was recently at a gathering with a bunch of my high school friends. My old debate partner was there, and we were talking about what we’ve been doing lately. My old debate partner is a pediatric endocrinologist at a prestigious university. I’ve been writing about Brazilians and blow jobs.

Same difference, right?

Okay, I’ve written about more than just Brazilians and blow jobs, and I firmly believe that laughter is its own form of medicine. I gathered a few of the most popular pieces of 2014 so you can escape family, work, or general chaos and have a few laughs and feels. I’ve even categorized them for your reading pleasure:

Sex, Lies, and General Inapproriateness

Parenting?

Weird, Random, She-Might-Not-Be-Right-in-the-Head Ridiculousness

My Serious Side

Oh YEAH! I’m in some books too. You should definitely check those out (and buy them)!

Thank you for spending 2014 with me. I’m so grateful you’re here.

Wishing you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Cheers, Foxy xoxo


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

There’s More to My Elf on the Shelf Story

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As you know, Foxy Wine Pocket is a humor blog. So if you’re only here for the funny, you might want to skip this post. It’s okay because I totally get it.

If you’re interested in knowing more about me, however—not just the things that make me laugh, but also the things that make me cry—this is one of those stories.

This is definitely not a humor piece, but it has a happy ending. It’s about making new traditions out of old ones. Finding joy out of sadness.

I’m honored that Scary Mommy will share my story with you. Please give it a read.

Wishing you and yours a very happy holiday. xoxo


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Twelve Lies of Christmas (Don’t Worry—It’s Not an Annoying Song)

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Twelve Lies of Christmas @foxywinepocket

Don’t worry—this is not a parody song. I can’t be bothered redoing that song. It goes on and on forever and ever and gets really annoying by like the first fifth verse. No, this here is a list of twelve actual lies that I tell myself and others over the Christmas season.

This is way better.

[Read more…] about Twelve Lies of Christmas (Don’t Worry—It’s Not an Annoying Song)


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How to Dodge the Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf

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How to Dodge the Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf @foxywinepocket

The other day my daughter and I overheard a dad enthusiastically talking to his kids about their Elf on a Shelf. They were discussing how cute the little guy was and speculating about where he would hide this month.

I gritted my teeth and silently cursed that father. Or rather, I cursed my proximity to that father.

[Read more…] about How to Dodge the Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Completely Inappropriate Turkey Texts

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Completely Inappropriate Turkey Texts @foxywinepocket

This morning I was awoken by the buzzing of my phone before 7 AM. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem as I get up pretty early, but this was one of my few days to sleep in. (Don’t hate me because my kids are self-sufficient in the morning.)

Apparently, one of my freighbors (friend + neighbor) was worrying about making her first turkey ever and that it might not go well. So she texted a group of us (nine in total) about it.

It was 6:43 AM.

Now, I love my freighbors—I really do. But 6:43 in the morning is way too early for discussions about turkey.

The worst part? The group text kept going. Another freighbor chimed in, and the two of them kept texting. Then, BAM! BAM! Two more freighbors chimed in.

All before 7 AM.

Hoping to shut them up, I sent the link to my favorite turkey recipe, which is foolproof (and includes bacon, natch). Unfortunately, that didn’t work. They just kept talking turkey tips and exchanging recipes and cooking methods.

I tried to ignore the whole thing and go back to sleep, but then the tone got more interesting because of freighbor #6:

[Read more…] about Completely Inappropriate Turkey Texts


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How to Screw up Thanksgiving Dinner

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Foxy's First Thanksgiving Ended on a Sour Note @foxywinepocket

If my first Turkey Day as a married woman had a sound track, it would include the theme song to Benny Hill—with intermittent puking sounds.

It was 1997, and we had just moved to Portland, Oregon. Mr. Foxy’s parents and sister were traveling from California for the big event. I was freaking out a bit (a lot) because I was going to be outnumbered by my husband’s family. Fortunately, my cousin was attending college in the area and decided to join us to eat free food act as my wingman.

[Read more…] about How to Screw up Thanksgiving Dinner


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How to Survive the Holidays

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Thanksgiving is a joyful time to give thanks for all of our blessings and good fortune. It’s an annual celebration of family, loved ones, and “the harvest,” right? Sure. But it’s also a time of family bickering, passive-aggressive comments, colossal fuck-ups, social faux pas, and domestic disasters.

To stay sane during these annual “celebrations,” my husband and I have developed our own coping strategy. We call it the Dysfunctional Family Drinking Game. It is a secret game that only the two of us play, and it is designed to make us laugh at the foibles and follies during Thanksgiving and any large holiday gathering.

I describe how to play this game and give a COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL, 100% FICTITIOUS account of how this game might play out in our house in the hilarious anthology, Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays.

How to Survive the Holidays @foxywinepocket #humor #holiday #recipes

In addition to our drinking game, this book is full of easy recipes, hysterical stories, and fabulous gift ideas. So what I’m saying is that you should go buy it now. It’s only $2.99, and it will fill your holidays with laughter and help you stay sane. It also helps a great cause—to feed hungry families at Thanksgiving. A portion of all sales will benefit Scary Mommy Nation’s (an official 501(c)3 charity) Thanksgiving Project, striving to ensure that every Scary Mommy can celebrate Thanksgiving with her family. How awesome is that? Pretty fucking awesome.

Buy it now from Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iBooks.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

I’m giving away a Starbucks gift card to one lucky book owner—so you can enjoy a delicious beverage or two while reading the book (you’re responsible for your own coffee “additives”). Buy the book and leave a comment here telling me you bought the book. I’m working on the honor system, but I reserve the right to ask for proof should things seem hinky. (If they seem kinky, I’ll leave them be.) I’ll randomly pick a winner on November 22nd.*

starbucksstuff

* Unfortunately the Starbucks gift card is only available to U.S. residents, but the hilarious book is available EVERYWHERE!


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)