Life Lessons

“That Girl Who Wouldn’t Shut Up”

IT'S MY MEGAPHONE, BITCHES.

Okay, foxy friends, I know I haven’t been around much the past few years. Sure, I’ve popped in once or twice to reassure you that I didn’t join a cult and to show you my ~~fucked-up~~ FABULOUS Porcelain Doll Funeral/Murder Scene display. But I really haven’t been around.

Here’s the thing: I’VE MISSED YOU. I’ve missed this blog and telling silly stories. And interacting with y’all on social media. And all that other shit. But I think things are going to get better now. I mean, not on the global apocalypse front, but better on Foxy Wine Pocket. I mean, just get a load of this story…

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Beware of Bears in Canada

By Foxy

Much to the dismay of Canadians everywhere, many Americans feel like Canada is just another US state. A kinder, gentler, more apologetic US state, but a US state nonetheless. (Maybe it’s all of the beer, weed, and Tim Horton’s coffee y’all got up there, eh?)

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Follow Your Dreams and Fuck the Haters

By Foxy

Follow your dreams. Be true to yourself. Fuck the haters. (Not literally--that would send the wrong message.) @foxywinepocket | humor | inspirational

That’s me. Flipping off the haters.

Recently, I taught a course called “Selling Yourself, Not Your Soul” at a blogging conference in the D.C. area. It was not, in fact, a presentation about being a spiritual prostitute.

As you might expect, however, I swore a lot, told some dirty jokes, and was, at times, completely inappropriate. Because I’m Klassy as fuck. (I think I want that on my tombstone.)

Seriously though, I was just being true to myself. And that, not-so-coincidentally, was the theme of my presentation: Be yourself. Fuck the haters. (Not literally though—please don’t have sex with the meanies.)

On my flight back home, I got to thinking about how these lessons apply to everyone, not just the blogging community. They are universal in nature.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Having Fun While Your Mom Is in the ICU

By Foxy

My mother almost died a few weeks ago. Like—was rushed by ambulance to the ER, spent nine days in the hospital, needed multiple transfusions in the ICU—almost died.

To say the experience was scary and stressful is an understatement. But, we also had some fun. And, because I’m nothing if not helpful, I’ve compiled a list of ways you can have fun while your mom (or another loved one) is in ICU as well.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

The Really Important Chapters Missing From Parenting Manuals

By Foxy

Those parenting manuals? They miss the really important crap. But I've got you covered. @foxywinepocket | humor | parenting

Parenting books seem to focus on the very basic aspects of raising babies and toddlers and gloss over the really important things—like how to change a squirming child in the back of your minivan after a diaper blowout and how to deal with teenage angst and heartbreak.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How to Create a Fantastically Horrific Circus-Themed Centerpiece

By Foxy

There comes a time in your life when you need to create the most spectacularly fucked-up centerpiece ever. I'll show you how.

There comes a time in your life when you’re required to make a circus-themed centerpiece. Maybe it’s a decoration for a child’s birthday party. Or a get-well present. Or an anniversary gift. I mean, really, what represents marriage better than mayhem and pandemonium?

And you know what evil lurks at the circus, right? CLOWNS. Fucking clowns infest the circus. And our nightmares. No circus-themed centerpiece is complete without a clown. And I’m here to show you how to make one. I’m nothing if not ~~sick~~ ~~twisted~~ helpful.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

The Road to Hell Is Paved with Clowns

By Foxy

My friend Ashley contends that clowns are fun and joyful. I set out to prove her wrong. @foxywinepocket | humor | clowns

If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you are probably familiar with my stance on clowns. I hate them. Not a normal level of hate, mind you. I loathe everything about them. Their beady little eyes (that bore straight into your soul). Their expressive eyebrows (that signal to their hounds of hell to go in for the kill). Their pasty, white skin (that never sees the light of day because they hunt at night). Their big, red noses (that, let’s face it, probably need some sort of antibiotic ointment—I don’t even want to imagine where those noses have been).

My friend Ashley constantly teases me about my level of disdain for the painted archangels of the circus.

Ashley: How can you not like clowns? They’re so fun and happy.
Me: They’re vile and evil and full of dark, murderous plans.
Ashley: What?! They’re full of joy!
Me: They are harbingers of the apocalypse.
Ashley: You’re crazy. Clowns are wonderful. You can’t make me dislike them.
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

What Not to Wear: A Dress Guide

By Foxy

What Not to Wear: A Spring Dress Guide—These are seriously horrible dresses. @foxywinepocket

Everyone needs a brand-new dress every once in a while, right? Something special and fun that makes you feel fabulous? Like glitter and rainbows? (That’s exactly why I’m in the market for a new dress, not because I’ve gained five… okay, ten… FINE, I’ve put on fifteen pounds sitting on my ass writing a book ~~and drinking wine~~ for the past two years.)

Now, we all have certain styles that look better than others on us. Me? I’ve got a straight waist and a flat butt so I tend to look better in empire waisted and/or fit & flare dresses so as to give me the illusion of a waistline. And an ass.

I’ve been doing some online shopping at Nordstrom, of course. Why would I actually go to a store when I can peruse the racks in my pajamas while drinking wine? I mean, I guess I could do that at the store too, but the last time I did, Security asked me to leave.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Rules for Using Public Bathrooms

By Foxy

There are horrid crimes that occur in public restrooms. So I created a list of rules to address those heinous acts. @foxywinepocket | bathroom humor | equality

The first time I used a public restroom with my father, who had recently transitioned to a woman, was—quite frankly—unsettling. Not because I was afraid any crime would occur, rather, because for the first twenty-four years of my life, she (then he) had used the men’s restroom. Walking arm-in-arm with her into the ladies room was a surreal experience for me. (Probably for her too.)

If any other women in the bathroom noticed, none of them commented. All of us gals went about our business of attending to nature’s call, and my once-male-now-female parental unit felt secure. Imagine what it would have been like for her—a woman—to use the men’s restroom? At best, there would have been looks, comments, and/or ridicule. At worst, she could have been in real danger.

Naturally, I rejoiced when Target issued a formal policy allowing patrons to select whichever bathroom and/or fitting room aligns with their gender identity. I feel it keeps our transgender community comfortable and safe, and I applaud Target for continuing to stand for equality, respect, and inclusivity.

But—let’s be brutally honest—there are indeed crimes that happen in public restrooms. Some horrid ones. So I created my own list of rules to address those heinous acts.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Stink Avoidance, Cookie Acquisition, and Other Survival Skills

By Foxy

Growing up in a large family taught me a wide variety of survival skills—the acquisition of snacks being one of the most important. @foxywinepocket | humor
As the youngest of six kids, I was farted on a lot. At least once a week, one of my brothers would sit on my head and let one rip. Eventually, I learned to recognize the warning signs—the glint in their eyes, the snickers, the less-than-stealthy movements—and I’d scramble behind the couch before a stinky butt made contact with my face.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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