Around the Neighborhood

I Didn’t Trip and Fall (This Time)

I Didn't Trip and Fall (This Time) @foxywinepocket

If my life had a bloopers reel, it would contain hundreds (possibly thousands) of scenes of me tripping and falling on my face. In holes. On bumps. Down stairs. UP stairs. Over absolutely nothing at all.

Seriously, I trip about once a week with a spectacular fall at least monthly.

The (possibly) most cringe-worthy spill happened in college. My boyfriend and I went to a fancy restaurant, and there was a staircase leading directly into the middle of the dining room. About halfway down the stairs, my heel caught on the carpet, and I fell to my knees. Fortunately, my hand caught the railing so I was able to hoist myself back up fairly quickly (and without too many people noticing). But then I took one more step and fell AGAIN. This time I didn’t catch myself, and I slid on my knees down several stairs as the entire room of fancy diners watched. I was able to grab a hold of the railing, only my bracelet got stuck on something. It broke and flew across the room. Along with my dignity.

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I Wrote an Open Letter to Bruce Jenner

By Foxy

When I was in 4^th grade, we had to write a letter to a celebrity as a class assignment. I wrote my letter to Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons. (I know it’s Rick now, but back then it was Ricky.) One of my classmates wrote to Ricky too. She told him that he was dreamy and that she loved his blonde hair and that she’d like to ride on his train. (That was not a euphemism; his Silver Spoons character had a train in his house, remember?)

I, however, wrote to Ricky and told him that I enjoyed his show and that I really enjoyed the character of Derek Taylor. (Which if you didn’t already know was played by Jason Bateman. My love for him goes back THAT far.) And that it’d be great if Derek could be in more episodes. A LOT MORE.

That may have not been the best approach to get Ricky to write me back. After that fail, I stopped writing to celebrities.

Until this week, that is. This week I wrote a more serious letter to Bruce Jenner. I think it’s pretty important. Please read it and let me know if I did a better job this time.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How Do You Know I Love You?

By Foxy

How Do You Know I Love You? @foxywinepocket

For you Foxy Wine Pocket regulars, it might surprise you to hear that I’m generally a shy, mild-mannered person.

That is, I’m a shy, mild-mannered person when you first meet me. Once I’m comfortable with you, I immediately start over-sharing and making snide remarks. In fact, you know I really like you when I make snarky comments directed at you.

But how do you know that I really love you? That I might BFF propose to you? That my heart just might explode with my Foxy affection?

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Dog Poop Leavers: Beware My Wrath

By Foxy

One day some dog walkers left their dog's poop on my neighbor's lawn. What happened next either makes me a dog poop hero or a little bit crazy. | @foxywinepocket | humor | dog poop

I want “Poop Hero” added to my tombstone. Here’s why.

I was drinking coffee and perusing Twitter the other morning in my breakfast room. (“Breakfast room” sounds way more fancy than it really is—it’s a tiny breakfast nook off of the kitchen. I also call my teeny-tiny backyard a “courtyard” for the very same reason—fancy.) Anyhow, I like hanging out in the breakfast room because I can see all of the comings and goings in front of my house. I’m nosey like that.

So I was drinking my coffee when I saw two ladies walking a beautiful Golden Retriever down the street. Sure, the women both looked very cute and perky with their bottle-blonde pony tails and in their matching tennis outfits ~~that will likely never see a tennis court~~, but what I focused in on is the dog. I LOVE dogs so of course I stopped what I was doing to admire this gorgeous canine whose coat had that fresh-from-the-groomers shine (no way in hell those ladies groom their own dogs). Then the very pretty puppy proceeded to take a crap right on my neighbor’s lawn.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party

By Foxy

Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party @foxywinepocket.com

There are two important things to know before you read this story:

I have some amazing freighbors (friends + neighbors) who throw ridiculously fun parties.
I lost my beloved nut bowl two years ago at one of these parties.

Okay, now the story. This year’s New Year’s party was actually held on Friday, January 2—a brilliant strategy to ensure everyone could attend (and have adequate recovery time). Last year we had a Dead Celebrity theme. This year’s theme was Matchy-Matchy. Inspired by this bit of awesome ridiculousness.

Two of my freighbors teamed up with Mr. Foxy and myself to create DEVO. (Please tell me you remember DEVO and that I’m not really old.) We bought hats and coordinating outfits. I even bought a whip.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

There’s More to My Elf on the Shelf Story

By Foxy

As you know, Foxy Wine Pocket is a humor blog. So if you’re only here for the funny, you might want to skip this post. It’s okay because I totally get it.

If you’re interested in knowing more about me, however—not just the things that make me laugh, but also the things that make me cry—this is one of those stories.

This is definitely not a humor piece, but it has a happy ending. It’s about making new traditions out of old ones. Finding joy out of sadness.

I’m honored that Scary Mommy will share my story with you. Please give it a read.

Wishing you and yours a very happy holiday. xoxo

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

My Serious Side | I Am Lucky: Motherhood after Infertility

By Foxy

Foxy Wine Pocket is a (sometimes inappropriate and irreverent) humor blog, but I also write serious pieces. Today, I’m honored to be on Mamalode sharing one such story about my journey to become a mother and the complicated feelings surrounding motherhood after infertility. I hope you’ll follow me there. Here’s a snippet:

“One girl and one boy! Aren’t you lucky!” people often declare when they see my children.

“Yes, I am.” I reply simply.

Because I am lucky, and usually people just want that acknowledgement. They don’t want to hear about my experiences with infertility and pregnancy loss, or that I never cared about gender.

My journey to my girl and boy, however, did not feel lucky at the time…

Please read the rest on Mamalode. And maybe share the piece and/or say something nice about me while you’re there?

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Completely Inappropriate Turkey Texts

By Foxy

Completely Inappropriate Turkey Texts @foxywinepocket

This morning I was awoken by the buzzing of my phone before 7 AM. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem as I get up pretty early, but this was one of my few days to sleep in. (Don’t hate me because my kids are self-sufficient in the morning.)

Apparently, one of my freighbors (friend + neighbor) was worrying about making her first turkey ever and that it might not go well. So she texted a group of us (nine in total) about it.

It was 6:43 AM.

Now, I love my freighbors—I really do. But 6:43 in the morning is way too early for discussions about turkey.

The worst part? The group text kept going. Another freighbor chimed in, and the two of them kept texting. Then, BAM! BAM! Two more freighbors chimed in.

All before 7 AM.

Hoping to shut them up, I sent the link to my favorite turkey recipe, which is foolproof (and includes bacon, natch). Unfortunately, that didn’t work. They just kept talking turkey tips and exchanging recipes and cooking methods.

I tried to ignore the whole thing and go back to sleep, but then the tone got more interesting because of freighbor #6:

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

My Serious Side: Leaving My Heart in the NICU

By Foxy

Foxy Wine Pocket is a (sometimes completely ridiculous over-the-top) humor blog, but I also write serious pieces. Today, I’m honored to be at Scary Mommy sharing one such story about the birth complications we experienced with my first-born child. I hope you’ll follow me there. Here’s a snippet:

My husband and I had finished packing our things and were leaning against the hospital bed holding hands when the pediatrician returned from the discharge exam … without our newborn daughter. The serious expression on her face sent a wave of panic across my body. I squeezed my husband’s hand and braced myself for the doctor’s words.

“Your daughter started seizing during our examination. We’ve had to admit her to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit,” she informed us.

We froze on the edge of the bed, speechless. My head was spinning; my heart was racing; my breath was short. This couldn’t be happening. We’d already dressed our daughter in her special Going Home outfit. We were ready to begin our exciting new life with our first child. We were ready to take our baby home…

Please read the rest on Scary Mommy.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

In Honor of TransParent Day

By Foxy

Today I’m sharing a personal story over on Scary Mommy in honor of TransParent Day. I hope you’ll head over there and learn more about this special day. It’s a non-humor piece, so there is no need to worry about spitting out your coffee this morning. Here’s a snippet to get you started:

I no longer celebrate Father’s Day with my father. Not because my father is dead. No, my biological father is still very much alive. But my biological father is now a woman.

In case you need further clarification: the person who contributed the sperm that created the person that is me is now living as a woman. As in, the penis is gone; a vagina has been created; and this person wears makeup and girl clothes.

Did I blow your mind? I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish we lived in a world in which we fully embraced all people regardless of our own individual norms or experiences. A world in which personal expression and transformation were greeted without pause, reservation, or judgment…

Please read the rest over on Scary Mommy.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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