Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

  • About
  • Books
  • Events
  • Contact Me
  • Tip Jar

Things to Know Before Accidentally Exposing a Sex Abuse Scandal

By Foxy

Hello? *tap, tap, tap* Is this thing on?

Oh hey. Remember me? It’s Foxy. I used to tell you funny stories. Well, I’m still here, and I still like to write ridiculous shit. I’m still collecting phallic Cheetos, snuggling with my rescue puppies, and enjoying all things wine and bacon. Alas, I have a new hobby—apparently—which is to inadvertently uncover decades-long sexual misconduct scandals and make myself a public target for hate speech and victim shaming.

I wish I were kidding on that last one.

[Read more…] about Things to Know Before Accidentally Exposing a Sex Abuse Scandal


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning, Random, Serious Side

Everybody Poops … Including the Neighbors

By Foxy

This is an embarrassing poop story. You know you want to read it. @foxywinepocket

I often hear my fellow moms say they just want to go to the bathroom alone—that they want some privacy when nature calls. Honestly, I can’t really relate to this predicament at all. I’ve never had that wish.

Because I’ve never gone to the bathroom alone. Not in my entire life.

[Read more…] about Everybody Poops … Including the Neighbors



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, Around the Neighborhood, You're Welcome

For Sale: My Husband’s Final Hopes and Dreams

By Foxy

I haven’t been camping in over a decade. Wanna know why? Because I hate it. I fucking hate it.

I guess I didn’t always find camping so detestable. I spent my summers in high school working as a counselor at a campground outside of Yosemite. Three full months of that camping shit. In college, I used to personally initiate camping trips on the weekends and during breaks—pitching a tent, hiking, fishing, cooking up my catch—all that crap. Even in my early married years, I actually enjoyed camping as a leisurely activity.

Me, as a camp counselor. Of course that dirty hippy loved camping. Of course she did.

But now? Camping is dead to me.

[Read more…] about For Sale: My Husband’s Final Hopes and Dreams



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning, Love & Marriage

Sometimes Anxiety Isn’t a Complete Asshole

By Foxy

When you live with anxiety, it can be difficult to distinguish between the symptoms of the condition and all of the bullshit going on around you. I frequently occasionally find myself asking, “Is this person being a jackass—or am I irritated because of my anxiety disorder?” (Sometimes it’s a tough call.)

Combine anxiety with depression, and those two jerks regularly have me paralyzed, wanting to complete a task but lacking the required energy. Unable to string together coherent thoughts. Unable to approach normal social situations with any grace (if I even make it out the door at all). Unable to function in the afternoon. Well, except binge-watching Netflix. I can always do that.

But sometimes, just sometimes, anxiety isn’t a complete asshole.

[Read more…] about Sometimes Anxiety Isn’t a Complete Asshole



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning

The Problem with Multi-Colored Rugs

By Foxy

We recently adopted quite possibly the most adorable puppy ever. On doggy death row because of several birth defects, Scooter has a difficult time walking straight and frequently stumbles around like a drunk. (No comparisons to me, thankyouverymuch.) But he’s a total sweetie, not in any pain, and a lovely companion.

Multi-colored rugs and puppy poop created my worst nightmare.

And, OMG, LOOK AT THAT FACE.

Scooter keeps me company in the dining room where I write in a makeshift office space at the table. But the slippery wood floors are a bit tough for him to walk on. When he’s not on the area rug under the table, he often falls on his face. And his butt. And all over the place. (Again, no need for comparisons to yours truly.)

Anyhow, I decided to move my office downstairs to the basement, which is carpeted. The carpeting would make it easier for him to get around and to wrestle with our other dog, which would be great physical therapy.

So I gathered up my supplies from the dining room and brought the first load downstairs. I threw away moved my children’s art supplies from the desk-turned-craft-table, reclaimed it as my own, and started setting up my new writing station when I heard my husband’s frantic voice booming from upstairs, “YOU BETTER STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!”

[Read more…] about The Problem with Multi-Colored Rugs



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning

Rejected Bandages and Other Badges of Motherhood

By Foxy

“Bacon is my favorite long food!” At age three, my son gifted me one of my proudest mommy moments:

My child could properly categorize food, and he appreciated one of the most magical flavors in the world.

Not that I’m biased, but bacon really is the best long food. And flat food. And able-to-be-crumbled food. I’ve been known to mix it with nuts. Put it in pancakes. And create an entire dinner party menu in which every single dish—from appetizers to dessert—includes bacon.

To celebrate my son’s newfound enthusiasm for cured pork and to support his insatiable bandage habit (he goes through approximately 20,000 each week), I purchased a shit-ton of, you guessed it, bacon bandages.

[Read more…] about Rejected Bandages and Other Badges of Motherhood



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, Love & Marriage, NSFW, Parenting?

Food Fuck-ups and Other Party Disasters

By Foxy

I'm no Julia Childs. In fact, I have a long history of fucking up things. But the secret to happiness is creating something awesome out of your disaster. @foxywinepocket | humor

As much as I’d love to cook with the expertise of Julia Childs or throw a party with the casual ease of the Barefoot Contessa, I’ve resigned myself to the sad truth that I will never be a domestic goddess.

In fact, quite frankly, I have a long history of fucking up things. [Read more…] about Food Fuck-ups and Other Party Disasters



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning

Dick Pics and Breadsticks

By Foxy

I recently attended a writer’s conference in Dayton, Ohio. One of the biggest perks of these type of conferences is that you get to spend time drinking networking with your online writing friends in real life. People you otherwise would not meet in-person.

I shared a hotel room with Lola Lolita, and along with Sassypiehole (just call her Sassy—that’s what I do), we attempted to drink all of the wine in the entire city of Dayton. Three days in a row. Fortunately we never passed stage 4 on the scale of drunkenness.

On the last night of the conference, in denial that my time with my friends would be coming to an end, Lola and I held sweet Charlotte hostage in our hotel room, while Quirky Chrissy ordered pizza and breadsticks and poured wine for everyone. (God bless her.)

[Read more…] about Dick Pics and Breadsticks



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning, NSFW

The Poop Club

By Foxy

Not to be dramatic or anything, but I almost died last week. Like, I couldn’t walk or talk or even move beyond (barely) breathing. I did cry a lot though. And my insides melted into the mattress as my body tried to incinerate itself with a very high fever. I picked up this nasty bug—named the Erma Flu—at a writer’s conference the week before. And it KICKED. MY. ASS.

[Read more…] about The Poop Club



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning, Random

What Do You Do with Crappy Goldfish?

By Foxy

 If you’ve got kids, chances are Goldfish crackers are a staple in your house. (Unless you’re into those expensive organic crackers that you buy at Whole Foods while wearing yoga pants and sipping ethically-traded, locally-sourced coffee with soy milk. But, hey, no judgment.) What do you do when they suck? @foxywinepocket | humor

“Mom, something’s wrong with the Goldfish crackers you gave me.”

My notoriously picky daughter often complains about things being “off” or “bad” when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them.

So, I didn’t believe her. “What? I bought the cheddar ones, not the plain ones. Or the multi-grain ones. Or, God forbid, the multi-colored ones that you hate. They’re the good ole-fashioned highly-processed Goldfish crackers that you love.”

“No,” she argued. “There’s something really wrong with them.”

[Read more…] about What Do You Do with Crappy Goldfish?



Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, Parenting?

  • Go to page 1
  • Go to page 2
  • Go to page 3
  • Interim pages omitted …
  • Go to page 9
  • Go to Next Page »

Follow Me!

  • 
  • 
  • 
  • 

Subscribe via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket and receive new posts by email—tiny presents delivered straight to your Inbox.

Best of Foxy Wine Pocket

  • My First (and Last) Brazilian
  • The Pooping Tree
  • What Women Think About Blowjobs
  • Why I Should (Not?) Teach Sex Ed
  • Motherhood Is Disgusting
  • Rules of Swearing for My Children

Search for Previous Posts

Recent Posts

  • How Do You Make a Clown Nativity Set Even More Awesome?
  • What’s Your New Pandemic Hobby?
  • What Do You Do with a Headless Doll … and Other Random Questions
  • What Do You Do with a Bunch of Clowns Nobody Wants?
  • Where Did the Murder Hornets Go?

Archives

Copyright © 2021 · Foxy Wine Pocket · All rights reserved · Privacy Policy

Close

Buy me a drink?

A ridiculous amount of coffee and booze is consumed in the process of writing these stories. Add some fuel if you'd like to keep me going!

 

Subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket!

Enter your email address to subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket and receive new posts by email—tiny presents delivered straight to your Inbox.

×