#notwinning – Page 3

Raisins Are the Herpes of the Baked Goods World

There’s nothing quite so orgasmic as inserting a freshly-baked homemade cookie into my mouth. My tongue delicately caresses the firm exterior. My teeth gently penetrate the crispy butter-and-brown-sugar magic shell until the confection yields to the pressure and releases its warm, oozing delights inside of me. I moan and lick my lips with intense satisfaction.

But the moment you introduce a raisin into that delectable treat? Well, you might as well have served the cookie in a used maxi pad sandwich. Because you just turned it into crap.

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Before You Burn Down Your Tween’s Room

By Foxy

Caution: Cleaning your tween's room may be hazardous to your health. Here are some helpful hints to stay safe. @foxywinepocket | humor | parenting | tweens

Normally my kids are in charge of cleaning their own rooms. I believe this chore instills a sense of responsibility and ownership. It helps builds character, and it teaches lessons that will help them become independent adults someday.

Also, I’m lazy, and I don’t want to deal with their messes.

But there are times—maybe once a year or so—when it becomes necessary for me to intervene and clean on their behalf. The times when:

Half of my silverware collection and all of my bowls are missing.
We’re so familiar with the stink emanating from the room that we give it a nickname. “Stenchie’s back” is a common expression in our house.
We’ve been late to school or appointments one too many times because I’ve been searching through my tween’s landfill to help find her [insert any frequently missing item].

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How to Make Laundry Your Bitch

By Foxy

The road to hell is paved with dirty laundry. Although we have the best of intentions, most of us never get all of the clothes clean, folded, and put away. Here's how to handle the chaos. @foxywinepocket | humor | laundry

I’m convinced the road to hell is paved with dirty laundry. Although moms have the best intentions, most of us never get all of our family’s clothes clean, folded, and put away. EVER.

Here is a more realistic view of the torture process. Just embrace it now.

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Before You Invite Me to Your House, Read This

By Foxy

Wherein I explore (and possibly defile) my friend's house while looking for her hidden stash. Isn't this what everyone does? @foxywinepocket

By all outward appearances, I’m an excellent houseguest. I bring hostess gifts (usually salted chocolate caramels from Shurra’s). I’m clean and quiet. I even bring my soiled linens (as in used, not peed on or anything) to the laundry room.

But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t leave me alone in your house.

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When It Rains, It Poops

By Foxy

After you have a baby, you experience some of the biggest WTF moments of your life. Many involve poop. @foxywinepocket | funny | parenting | WTF

I nestled my head deep into my soft pillow, already savoring the luxurious taste of impending sleep. My newborn son, wrapped tightly in his flannel blanket, had finally passed out in his crib after a marathon nursing session.

My limbs melted into the mattress. My eyelids succumbed to the heaviness. My jaw went slack. This stretch of sleep was going to be absolutely delicious.

Somewhere on the periphery of consciousness, my mind registered our sweet, maternal dog hop up on the bed. She had followed me back from the nursery. Without opening my eyes, I recognized the pattern of movement as she circled repeatedly, making the perfect resting spot.

As her 65-pound body finally collapsed in an exhausted heap next to my pillow, I felt heavy, warm raindrops splatter my face and upper body.

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8 Ways to Eat Crow after You Have Kids

By Foxy

7 Ways to Eat Crow after You Have Kids @foxywinepocket funny | parenting

Parenting was a lot easier before you had kids, right? We understand. We were once perfect parents without children too. There were so many things our offspring would never do: act like a child, behave in a developmentally-appropriate-but-undesirable manner, and willfully disregard our wise parental counsel.

If you’re like us, you probably muttered the phrase, “When I have kids, they’ll never…” a few too many times. Now that you have erratic little shit-disturbers of your own, it’s biting you in the ass. (Don’t worry. Our asses hurt too.) Well, saddle up at the crow-eating table with the rest of us. We’re enjoying a variety of dishes.

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How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

By Foxy

How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

I’m not gonna lie. I was thrilled when my daughter decided to quit dance. Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely loved watching her perform. She’s a beautiful, graceful dancer. (Clearly she did not get that from me.)

But I hate the annual torture known as the dance recital. (Honestly, my colonoscopy was less unpleasant.) I could complain endlessly about those damn recitals, but because I’m a problem solver, I’ve come up with a list of ways to improve them. Check it out on Scary Mommy, and let me know if you have any more brilliant ideas.

Photo Credit: anutaray / 123RF Stock Photo

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

8 Signs Your Midlife Crisis Is Approaching

By Foxy

8 Signs Your Midlife Crisis Is Approaching @foxywinepocket

My grandma is 95, and I’m ~~almost~~ not even half her age. Ergo, I am too young for a midlife crisis.

(If I keep repeating that to myself it will come true, right?)

But the clues are all there … it’s coming. Here are eight signs your (my) midlife crisis may be approaching.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

10 Reasons Summer Sucks

By Foxy

10 Reasons Why Summer Sucks

All over the country, moms and dads are counting down the days until the school year is over. They are writing love letters to summer vacation, singing songs of liberation, and rejoicing about the end of all things school-related.

Quite frankly, I don’t get it. ‘Cuz I think summer sucks.

“What?!” you shout with indignation.

Yep, you heard me right. Summer sucks. I mean, sure, I’m going to enjoy sleeping in a wee bit more each day. I will no doubt be relieved to not have school projects that are assigned to my children but end up being my problem. And I won’t experience car-line rage. But overall, the school year is FAR SUPERIOR.

Here’s why summer sucks:

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Motherhood Is Disgusting

By Foxy

Motherhood Is Disgusting @foxywinepocket #humor

It’s such an amazing feeling—bringing home your perfect newborn, in a brand-new outfit, into the beautifully-appointed nursery. Everything is so sparkly and fresh and tidy. But after the umpteenth spit-up, the zillionth dirty diaper, and the inevitable projectile poop, you realize: Crap. Kids are messy. And *I’m* the one who has to clean up after them.

So you look around your now stained and cluttered house, and you methodically adapt to your new reality. You stash baby wipes in every room and purse. You go to IKEA and buy a gajillion bins to store the toys. And you revel in the dog’s ability to clean in and around the high chair after every meal.

But try as you might, you simply can’t fully prepare for every mess.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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