Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

Rage Gardening™

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I invented a new way to do yardwork called Rage Gardening™. I'm going to be rich. Or at least a little more sane. @foxywinepocket #humorI have been neglecting my garden. That is not a euphemism for something else; my lady garden is just fine, thankyouverymuch. No, I’ve been failing the plants in my front yard and courtyard (my fancy word for our teeny-tiny back yard).

Part of it is the California drought. Part of it is that I just don’t have the energy. Part of it is SQUIRREL!!!! .

But I have rediscovered my joy for the dirt, the outdoors, and caring for all forms of life. (Except the nasty Pooping Tree.) And I found it through a technique I call Rage Gardening™.

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Only Serial Killers and Parents Collect Teeth

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I had a really weird dream. You know you want to read about it. I swear I'm not crazy. @foxywinepocket | humor | dreams

One of the side effects of the medication I take is that I have incredibly vivid and detailed dreams. I’m not talking about sex dreams (although those are pretty great too). I’m talking about the crazy-ass elephants that dance in my head ALL NIGHT LONG. And leave rainbow footprints behind in my brain.

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The Poop Club

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Not to be dramatic or anything, but I almost died last week. Like, I couldn’t walk or talk or even move beyond (barely) breathing. I did cry a lot though. And my insides melted into the mattress as my body tried to incinerate itself with a very high fever. I picked up this nasty bug—named the Erma Flu—at a writer’s conference the week before. And it KICKED. MY. ASS.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Dancing the Dead Dog Jig

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Sometimes out of nowhere, a song latches on to your brain and won't let go. Actually, it happens to me quite frequently. And this story is horrible. @foxywinepocket | humor

Sometimes out of nowhere, a song latches on to your brain, slithers through the gyri, and won’t leave until you stick an icepick in your ear.

Actually, that happens to me quite frequently. Commercial jingles and 70s sitcom theme songs surprise and “delight” me by their random appearances in my head. (Unless it’s Friday. I hate that shit.)

Naturally I feel obliged to infect entertain everyone around me by sharing those songs.

Loudly.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

22 Things You’re REALLY Doing on Facebook

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We know you're not really using Facebook for what it was intended. You're spying on people--just like the rest of us. @foxywinepocket.com | humor

We all know Facebook—that social networking site designed for interacting with friends and family and connecting with other people who share similar interests. Some of us even use it for “work.”

But we all know what you’re really doing there, and it’s not quite as innocuous.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How I Answer “The Question”

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I was asked a very personal question. Naturally, I fumbled my way through it and then WALKED AWAY. @foxywinepocket | humor

“So, what do you do?” My husband’s new CFO asked me at the Christmas party.

“I’m a writer,” I said with confidence.

“What do you write about?”

“Uhhh, well, lots of things. Humor mostly. Some serious stuff.”

“I love to laugh. What kind of humor do you write?”

Not wanting to gamble my husband’s new job, I avoided all discussion of my pubic grooming habits, sex life, and blowjobs. “Oh you know, parenting humor and, uh, stuff. Wait. Are those more egg rolls?”

And I WALKED AWAY.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

WTF Is on My Face?

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I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad. @foxywinepocket | humor

I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad.

It all started a few months ago. At first I thought the ailment was acne. Because Mother Nature is an asshole and continues to punish me with pimples even though I’ve moved to the wrinkle-and-whisker phase of life. I tried covering the infestation with makeup. Only then I had a cake-y, beige-y, hot mess going on.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

If You Give Foxy a Fish Head…

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I promise I know how to behave properly in public. I can keep my voice down. I practice good manners. I follow my own rules of swearing. I’ll only wrestle with you if I really love you.

But, dammit, if you put a fish head on my plate, I’m going to play with it. I can’t just eat around it like a civilized person and leave it alone. In true Foxy fashion, I’m going to turn it into dinner and a show.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Oh My Vulva, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

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Oh My Vulva, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? @foxywinepocket

I’ve been good to my female parts all of my life. I go to the doctor regularly and keep a tidy house. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over twenty years, and my lady garden has not received many visitors—either foreign or domestic. And because of my mother’s nightmare-inducing warnings about Toxic Shock Syndrome, I fastidiously clean “down there” and obsessively change all of my feminine hygiene products.

Recently, however, my vulva betrayed me. She allowed passage to a very unwelcome guest.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

I Just Want a Frakkin’ Cup of Coffee

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I Just Want a Frakking Cup of Coffee @foxywinepocket

I’m a simple girl, with simple needs. Okay, that’s total bullshit, but my caffeine needs are simple. I like coffee, and I like a lot of it.

I’m incredibly spoiled because Mr. Foxy makes a pot of magic brew every morning, which is a good thing because when left to my own devices, shit like this happens.

Recently I had coffee with my friend Andy from Almost Coherent Parent. He’s also a writer. Only he’s a much better one than I am. And he’s super smart. (But somehow he still likes me. Hmmm, maybe he’s not so smart…)

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)