Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

What Do You Do with a Bag of Dickeys?

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I’m giving away a bag of dickeys. Want some?

I guess before any dickey transactions, I should give you a little warm-up. See, when I was in junior high, I wore a lot of oversized sweatshirts and Cosby sweaters (wait—are we still allowed to use that phrase?). Underneath these garments, I always wore turtlenecks. Not because it’s cold here in the mild-weather-capital of the world. Because that’s what we did in middle school. It was The Look.

See? (I could have included at least a dozen more horrible photos.)

So I’m getting ready to attend a conference in Baltimore, and one of the parties has a Middle School to the Max theme. Naturally I thought of my sweatshirt and turtleneck combination. But it will be June in Baltimore—two layers would turn me into a sweaty, melty mess. (Not unlike when I discovered my 8th grade boyfriend had kissed another girl, but I don’t want to repeat that look.)

Clearly, I had to get my hands on a dickey. (That’s what she said.)

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Caught in the Act…by My 4-Year-Old Son

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Caught in the Act...by My 4-Year-Old Son #dressingroom #selfie #busted

When we bought our house, we spent every last dollar of our savings on the down payment and closing costs. We were completely and totally out of money. 100% out of money.

Like no cable (really, NO cable), no newspaper, no long car trips (because, gas) out of money.

Like no take-out, no dining out, and (REALLY) cheap wine out of money. (No wine was not an option.)

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6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop for School Supplies

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If I pretend I'm on a scavenger hunt all over town, does that make school supply shopping fun? No. No, it does not. | @foxywinepocket | humor | back to school

I hate summer with a fiery passion. It’s hot. I get sweaty. The schedule changes week to week (sometimes day to day). I need to entertain bored and whiney kids while still trying to produce for my job. I have to hound said kids to eat regular meals and get outside instead of playing video games and watching YouTube all day everyday.

But one of the things I hate the most about summer is school supply shopping. I dread this sadistic annual ritual more than most apocalyptic nightmares. The supply list is incredibly long and tedious, and it is filled with the most specific, hard-to-find items imaginable. By the time I’m done with the whole multi-day ordeal, I’ve dropped a full car payment (or two) at various stores all around town. I feel like it’s a punishment for hating summer so much and wanting to send my kids back to school so quickly.

Quite simply, it’s the most torturous scavenger hunt known to parents.*

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Put a Cat on It

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Yesterday, I was at my happy place (Target) enjoying the many delights that The Store has to offer. I turned the corner to peruse the clothing section when my senses were assaulted by this:

Cat Pants

Leggings. With cats flying through space. CATS! FLYING THROUGH SPACE! CATS!!

I had so many conflicting thoughts going through my head:

Me: “Those are all kinds of wrong.”

Myself: “But they’re CATS. FLYING THROUGH SPACE!”

Me: “So, so very wrong. They’re fucking horrible.”

Myself: “Do you see their cute little paws out in front of them? Like they’re actually flying?”

Me: “You haven’t looked good in leggings since high school.”

Myself: “And the stars! So many pretty stars!”

Me: “And it’s debatable that you looked good in leggings then.”

Myself: “And look at the auras around each of the kitties. So cute…”

Me: “Well… I could make endless pussy jokes. And FLYING pussy jokes. I bet Dan would think they’re hot.”

Myself (feeling the fabric): “Or, I could just wear them while working out…”

Me: “They’re so ridiculous. So fabulously ridiculous.”

While I stood there debating, I decided to take a picture of the leggings. You know, just to prove that they were actually real. Colin, who is my shopping buddy, took his focus off of his ICEE long enough to notice the leggings.

Colin: “Awwwwwwww, those are so cute. They have kitties on them. You should buy them, Mom.”

Then, in an unprecedented moment of fiscal responsibility, I decided not to purchase the leggings.

Me: “No. They are not on our list. And money is tight right now.”

Colin shrugged, and we walked away. How easily he forgot about them.

The problem was, after we left The Store, I kept thinking about them. And I kept looking at the picture I took of them. So, finally, I sent the picture to Mr. Foxy.

His response?

“I hope you bought those…”


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Special Deliveries

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Yesterday the UPS guy delivered two boxes: one from Zappos and one from a winery. Shoes and booze. I totally high-fived him on his way back to the truck.


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The Lesser Vagina Pocket

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Oh my gawd, folks. I found a vagina pocket out in the real world. Not the one from my dream, but the lesser one from Urban Dictionary. I was shopping at Target with my Grandma, and while she was picking out socks, I found this (lesser) vagina pocket. Naturally, I had to take a picture of it.

Hidden Pocket

You’re welcome.

Honestly though, if your vagina is up that high I think something might be a little off with your anatomy. Maybe you should go see a doctor. I’m guessing there aren’t too many vaginas up that high. So is it really a (lesser) vagina pocket? A true (lesser) vagina pocket seems like it should be lower. You know, closer to your actual vagina.

But I guess if you’re sticking crap in the (lesser) vagina pocket, you might not want it that close to your vagina. You know, ‘cuz it might start slamming up against your vagina while your running or what not. And that just wouldn’t be pretty. Can you imagine female runners all over the world getting turned on by stuff slamming repeatedly against their vaginas? Although, since we know orgasms burn calories, maybe this will be the latest fitness craze—cram stuff in your (lesser) vagina pocket and double the results of your workout! Hmmmm, maybe not.

Of course, I don’t think I want to be running with anything in my (the better) vagina pocket either. I mean, think of the chafing.


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STOP THE FUCKING PUMPKIN MADNESS!

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Here’s the thing: I don’t like Pumpkin Spice Lattes or pumpkin-favored baked goods, but I understand that some people do. And I respect that. However, I would never even consider trying Pumpkin Spice M&Ms or pumpkin-flavored candy corn to see if I like them—because I think those are plain wrong.

Honestly, I just don’t get the whole Fall pumpkin-flavored food frenzy. Pumpkin “flavor” has invaded everything. And I hate pumpkins. I hate carving them. They smell gross. And they’re slimy. But whatever—it’s Fall, and I try to ignore the pumpkin everywhere in my face. (And I make Dan carve the jack-o’-lanterns.)

Then, just when I thought the pumpkin craziness had reached it’s peak, I was shopping at Trader Joe’s and saw these:

Pumpkin Dog Treats

Oh, Trader Joe’s, I love you so much. But seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Pumpkin-flavored dog treats? Stop the fucking pumpkin madness already. We don’t need most of the seasonal treats for people so we certainly don’t need seasonal treats for dogs. They’re dogs. DOGS. They lick their own asses and eat kitty roca from the cat box for fuck’s sake.

It has officially gone too far.


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