Foxy Wine Pocket

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Shhh…There’s Wine in Here

By Foxy

Shh...There's Wine in Here

There really IS wine in there. I mean, the kids don’t go back to school until the 6th. Resolutions don’t start until then, right?

(You can get your own mug at Chantilly Stay on Etsy.)


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Shopping, Wine

Happy New Year!

By Foxy

I hope you all enjoyed your festivities last night. My neighbors threw an epic party, and I’m limping along. I’ll be taking it easy today for sure. If you need some reading material with your hangover (or hair of the dog), I highly recommend you go back through this blog and check out any articles you may have missed over the last year. And share them with all of your friends. Everywhere.

To get you started, here are several of my favorites (in no particular order):

  • Black Nipple Hair Crisis
  • That’s a Good Jesus Story
  • Warning: I’m Gonna Talk About Blowjobs
  • Blowjobs Part II (The One Where Dan Still Doesn’t Get One)
  • My Boobs vs. The Bra-Fitting Specialist
  • They’re Always Listening
  • I Promise Not to Gross You Out With the Details
  • Confessions of a Crappy Tooth Fairy
  • “I Have an Announcement to Make: My Mom Is Pooping!” (NSFW)
  • How College Boys Prepare You for Kids (TMI Alert)

Now go find your favorite article and press one of those little share/like buttons at the bottom. Happy New Year!


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Around the Neighborhood, Wine

I Lied

By Foxy

Oh, did I say I’d be back today? I lied. I’m drinking wine instead and mentally preparing myself to deliver my own eulogy at the “Dead Celebrity” NYE party I’m attending later tonight. But I guess if I’m here right now that means I didn’t completely lie. So let’s drink to that!

Happy New Year! Enjoy your festivities, and please stay safe.


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Around the Neighborhood, Wine

Did You Really Do That?

By Foxy

If you sent my kids unwrapped gifts and expected me to wrap them, I can’t guarantee that they will get wrapped and properly attributed. At this point, all the unwrapped shit is getting thrown on the coffee table and labeled “From Santa.”

In other news, I just opened another bottle of wine…


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Wine

Top 8 “Ideas” for Your Fifth Grader’s Science Project

By Foxy

Top 8 "Ideas" for Your Fifth Grader's Science Project @foxywinepocket

It’s that time of year again: time to pick the annual science project for grade school. You know, the science project that your child is supposed to do, but then you, the parents, end up doing most of the work (or the reminding and badgering)? This science project “belongs” to my daughter Erin. Last year, when she was in 4th grade, her project was to see if plants would grow better in UV light or natural sunlight. (I swear I have no idea how she came up with that idea. No, really, I don’t.) So, basically, we had a grow-house operation for two months. Priceless.

This year, unfortunately, Erin has been having a very difficult time deciding what her science project should be. She’s been tossing around ideas and is completely stumped. I told her to google “5th grade science projects,”  but she threw a hormonally-fueled fit balked and said then it wouldn’t be her coming up with an idea on her own. I resisted the urge to discuss how leveraging other people’s ideas is a very effective strategy in life.

Instead, I came up with an incredible list of potential science projects based on our everyday life experiences. I mean, really, the work has practically been done for her already. And we won’t have to go out and buy any supplies.

Ideas for Erin’s (or Your Child’s) 5th Grade Science Project:

  • Which herb in the herb garden can live the longest without being watered? I am an expert at this one. EXPERT. And the answer is thyme. There’s a reason it’s my favorite.
  • How many days must pass before dog shit stops emitting a foul smell and turns into a petrified turd? Clearly this is an outdoor project. And Mr. Foxy’s forte.
  • Which vegetable will rot in the refrigerator the quickest? Although with last week’s vegetables already rotted consumed, we’ll have to go buy new ones. So I won’t be pushing for this one.
  • Which substance wipes away the quickest with a baby wipe: toothpaste, dog slobber, or milk? This experiment is designed for the counter. Yes, we have dog slobber on our counter. Don’t you?
  • On which surface do boogers dry the fastest: the wall, the couch, or under the table? I think my son can help us with the supplies for this project. In fact, he probably has already successfully executed this entire project—complete with charts and graphs.
  • How many days does an empty milk box make the car reek like a zombie’s asshole? Nevermind. I’m not willing to conduct this experience again.
  • If you put milk in a sippy cup and leave it in a dark closet, how long does it take to turn into a cheese ball? Erin actually did this exact science project when she was 3, but I’m sure we can recreate it.

Surprisingly, Erin didn’t like any of these ideas. I asked her what more she could possibly want from me and maybe she should just go google “5th grade science project” after all. That conversation didn’t end well.

After a lot of drama and sass, she finally came up with an idea on her own. I don’t know if it will get the Science teacher’s approval, but it definitely has mine.

Which cleaner best removes stains from fabric? She will use three commercial cleaners and a homemade solution, along with a large strip of carpet remnant. (I put the kibosh on using the actual carpet.) And, of course, a large stain on that remnant. And the stain she picked? Yep, you guessed it: wine. (Again, I have no idea how she comes up with these ideas.)

As the results of this project will have a far-reaching impact, I’ll report back with the final conclusion. You’re welcome.

Photo Credit: By Tweenk (Own work) [CC BY 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Parenting?, Wine

You Can’t Take Me Anywhere

By Foxy

I recently attended a wedding of a dear friend. I love weddings. I love love, and I love to see two people declare their love for each other. I also love free booze. And this is why Dan may not love weddings quite as much as I do. Unless we’re staying at a hotel so he doesn’t have to drive my drunk ass anywhere. (And there is the possibility of wild hotel sex.)

This wedding was particularly fun. And the after-party was a blurry riot worthy of an entire movie. (I’ll let you know when I have a draft of the screenplay.) But the details are sketchy. And my head still hurts from just thinking about it.

The bride texted me the next day asking how the after-party went and if I had fun. Here was my reply:

“Actually, as far as I can piece together, all I did was shatter a wine bottle outside the hotel, take my pantyhose off at some mysterious point, accuse Kristen of lying about her true hair color, and hit new-friend Jeff over the head with some celery. All in all, it could have been much worse.”

Shit. You can’t take me anywhere. Sorry Dan. Sorry for the rest of our lives.


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Wine

I Finally Figured Out What the Deli Drawer Is For…

By Foxy

Deli Drawer


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #winning, Wine

My 7-point Scale of Drunkenness

By Foxy

I know that alcohol affects everyone differently, so there is no guarantee that my scale is the same as yours. But here are my 7 stages of drunkenness.

  1. Sober: Is there alcohol in this drink?
  2. Buzzed: Seriously, is there any alcohol in here? I better drink more to find out. And quickly.
  3. Tipsy Slut: Let’s kiss everyone in the room. Even if I have to trip over strangers to do it. And, no, I am not talking too loudly—don’t you shush me.
  4. Just Drunk: A rousing game of Cards Against Humanity is in order. If I nod my head really slowly while other people talk, I can prove I’m not drunk.
  5. Drunken Whore (Mr. Foxy’s favorite): Sadly, this phase doesn’t last very long. Sometimes this includes wild hotel sex. Most times I blow right past this phase to the next one. And the window is cloooosed…
  6. Completely Outrageous Slurry Idiot: Wrestling my neighbor at midnight on another neighbor’s front lawn sounds like a fantastic idea.
  7. Beyond, Just Beyond: Time to review in detail all of the food that I have consumed. And test the temperature of the bathroom floor with my cheek. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen very often. Anymore.

What shall it be this weekend?


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Wine

Booze Makes It All Better

By Foxy

Dan (to no one in particular): “That’s why I love it when Foxy drinks booze. All of the items on the To-Do List magically disappear.”


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Overheard, Wine

Do These Yoga Pants Make My Butt Look Fat?

By Foxy

While walking Ziggy the Dog last weekend. I ran into a childhood friend. It’s been almost two decades since I last saw her, but I recognized her right away. I walked up to her to say hello. She replied, “I thought that was you. I saw you talking, but I wasn’t sure. Then I saw your butt, and I knew it was you.”

Now, my name is not Beyoncé so I’m going to assume that wasn’t a compliment. What the fuckity fuck? Clearly I need to do more squats. Or just drink more wine and forget about it. I’m pretty sure I’ll be focusing on the latter.


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: #notwinning, Around the Neighborhood, Wine

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