For you Foxy Wine Pocket regulars, it might surprise you to hear that I’m generally a shy, mild-mannered person.
That is, I’m a shy, mild-mannered person when you first meet me. Once I’m comfortable with you, I immediately start over-sharing and making snide remarks. In fact, you know I really like you when I make snarky comments directed at you.
But how do you know that I really love you? That I might BFF propose to you? That my heart just might explode with my Foxy affection?
When I start bugging the shit out of you. Yep, that’s me. I act like a 12-year-old boy that tugs on the hair of that girl he has a crush on.
I’M THAT PERSON.
Let me give you an example. (Oh, I’ve got plenty, but this one has video.) One night when I was out with my freighbors (friends + neighbors) for an outdoor movie, I possibly definitely had consumed too much wine. In fact, I know I had too much wine because:
- Mr. Foxy heard my voice halfway down the street and replied, “Oh great. You gave my wife wine.”
- I started a wrestling match with my freighbor, Starla, on their front lawn.
See, I love Starla. She’s my evil twin (or I’m the evil one—I can’t remember). I love her so much that I thought it would be fun to start messing with her and her lawn chair. You know, tipping it over and other really annoying fun stuff. (She probably didn’t think it was as much fun as I did.) This ridiculousness eventually escalated into a drunken midnight wrestling match between the two of us.
Yes, I initiated a wrestling match with Starla. ALL BECAUSE I LOVE HER.
The match was short-lived. Primarily because Starla repeatedly handed me my ass on a platter. (I’d like to think it was because of the wine, but I’m fairly 100% certain that she could beat me sober too.) But also because I quickly lost steam having fully demonstrated my love for my freighbor.
I’m not sure she had the best night ever.
Fortunately, for the rest of my freighbors, I provided good, clean entertainment. Unfortunately for me, my other freighbor took some video of the end of the wrestling match. The part when I had resigned my sad, ass-beaten state to defeat. She later sent me the incriminating evidence.
Things to note in the video:
- I’m the one on the bottom.
- Animal House is the incredibly appropriate movie playing on the screen behind us.
- My freighbor, Dylan, has the best laugh anywhere. (He told me the next day I provided him with the most effective ab workout ever. YOU’RE WELCOME, DYLAN.)
- When another freighbor expressed concern about Starla hurting me, Starla replied, “I am not the problem here!”
Truly, she wasn’t.
After I watched the video, I replied to the freighbor who sent it.
Me: “This video is priceless.”
Freighbor: “Ya. Funny thing is that that wasn’t even close to the funniest part.”
Let’s be glad she didn’t think to record the earlier parts. The part where I make the biggest ass of myself you could really see how just much I love Starla.
Photo Credit: dolgachov / 123RF Stock Photo
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Melissa says
April 21, 2015 at 4:47 amLOL priceless! Does your freighbor still like you after that?
Sometimes I swear (I swear often) you are my twin.
michelle says
April 21, 2015 at 5:04 amHAHHAHAHA OMG… we are so much alike. Except for the wrestling part.
samara says
April 21, 2015 at 5:25 amAm I the only one who finds the video kind of, well, hot?
I DO love your neighbor’s laugh. A hearty laugh indicates joy.
Ashley Fuchs says
April 21, 2015 at 5:56 amSamara, NO. And looking at Foxy’s limp body laying there in defeat is one of the funniest damn things I have EVER seen. I would pay money to see “the funniest part.” The next time we verbally scrap, I am going to shriek “I am NOT the problem here!”
Ashley Fuchs recently posted…I Just Want to Pee at Home
kdcol says
April 21, 2015 at 6:28 amThankfully, years ago at a neighborhood gathering, capturing VIDEO was not as accessible as it now, but a few incriminating pictures were still taken of me and my Elaine (Seinfeld) moves and my over affection for pretty much everyone. 🙂
kdcol recently posted…I know I’m not, but what aren’t you?
Snarkfest says
April 21, 2015 at 6:47 amSo here’s the crazy thing: you mentioned watching Animal House in your post and in the Amazon ad to the right, they’re suggesting I buy Animal House on DVD from your Amazon link.
Good thing you weren’t watching porn. That would be a whole different video up there.
Snarkfest recently posted…A Tale of Two Weeks…
Joelle Wisler says
April 21, 2015 at 7:37 amOh my god. That video IS priceless!! When Moms go wild!
Kate says
April 21, 2015 at 9:34 amFantastic! I think I need a new neighborhood wherein movie nights exist and impromptu wrestling breaks out.
Cassandra says
April 21, 2015 at 9:44 amThat is fabulous. I still want to live in your neighborhood.
Cassandra recently posted…In the ’70s We Just Called It Parenting
Kristina Walters @ Kris On Fitness says
April 21, 2015 at 10:32 amLMAO! I want to move to your neighborhood!
Kristina Walters @ Kris On Fitness recently posted…Shamrock 8K Run Review
Liz says
April 21, 2015 at 10:48 amI agree with Cassandra. I want to live in your neighborhood. And I’m the exact same way with developing friendships, though without the touching. I had a friend who loved to touch people but knew I hated it so she’d sidle up close to me, slowly reach out her hand to touch my leg, and then I’d turn to see her licking her lips. Haha.
Liz recently posted…Zoe vs. Shameless Self-Promotion: The BigGER Book of Parenting Tweets
Kim says
April 21, 2015 at 1:55 pmHi Foxy, this reply has nothing to do with your midnight wrestling match, although I loved it very much! I’ve been meaning to message you and tell you that I found the male equivalent to pussy pants. You might want to get Mr. Foxy some for Father’s Day, or all the men in your life for that matter. Check out the website Crotch Gear. I bought Pesky Squirrel Pants for my 17 year old, and he LOVED them. Already ordered two more pairs: the banana thief and morning wood. I think you’ll love them! Here’s a link: http://crotchgear.com/products/pesky-squirrel-sweatpants
Fiona says
April 21, 2015 at 3:13 pmWhere do you live?? I want to move there!
Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) says
April 21, 2015 at 4:03 pmI’ve just signed on as Starla’s agent.
We demand a rematch!
It shall be televised! There shall be wagers!
There shall be copious amounts of jello.
Jello shots! Jello wrestling! Jello wine!
Not a shred of dignity will be left by the end of the match!
I’ve already sold the rights to “MILFs Gone Wild!”
Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) recently posted…WHAT in the WORLD…?
LInda says
April 22, 2015 at 5:49 amYep, yep…pretty much my MO. But I haven’t done much wresting lately. But I can’t get within an inch of a hard boiled egg without saying “Guess what I am?”
LInda recently posted…Book Review: Jim Gaffigan’s Dad Is Fat
Jana says
April 22, 2015 at 6:13 pmI say this with much love and appreciation – it looks like the two of you are auditioning for a really bad Cirque de Solei show.
Jana recently posted…Oh, Shoot!