My daughter Erin is in 5th grade—the year they teach human reproduction at her (Catholic) school. The week prior to the BIG lesson, the teacher sends home a very helpful handout so the parents can give their kids a preview before the class discussion.
I’d already had this conversation with Erin four years ago when she forced me to tell her how babies are made. But still, the mind of a 5th grader is very different than the mind of a 1st grader. I knew we had to have the conversation again—and in more detail.
I previewed the handout to get an idea of what it contained. Along with biological information on puberty and reproduction, the handout also presented Catholic Church ideology. Huh. Seeing as though I’m not the most Catholic of Catholics, this was going to be an interesting discussion.
A lot of the parents were freaking out about talking to their kids, but I was unfazed. I’ve seen some bad, bad shit in my life and had some soul-crushing conversations; talking about puberty and reproduction was going to be a breeze. Truthfully, I was really excited to talk to Erin about it. (You totally know I was hoping for some good writing material, right?)
When the big day arrived, we sat down in the family room and started going through the booklet. Much of the information about female puberty she already knew because she had previously read The Care and Keeping of You
We kept ploughing through the material. My daughter seemed to take it all in stride, but she did get embarrassed when we moved on to the male anatomy. I don’t blame her, really; I’m embarrassed for y’all men too. That junk is ugly.
We went through each male body part: internal and external. There was a bit of confusion when it came to testes and testicles. I tried comparing them to grapes (sorry, men, I’m sure your testicles are much bigger than grapes), but that didn’t seem to help. I tried showing her by wrapping one of my hands around my fist, but that didn’t seem to help either. So finally, I said, “It like a ball. In a sack. It’s a ball sack. Times two.” THAT she understood. (I should really be a teacher.)
We then discussed what happens during male puberty. She nodded her way through talk of body hair, acne, voice changes, rapid growth, etc., but she was pretty grossed out about the wet dreams. Not being a fan of the wet spot myself, I conceded that, while totally normal, it was indeed a little gross. I promised I’d do laundry regularly when my son started puberty.
At one point, the handout presented circumcision. I explained what it was, but Erin was completely baffled.
Erin: Why would anyone want to do that?!
Me: For some people it has a religious significance; it’s an important tradition. Other people do it for hygiene reasons. As you know, we didn’t do it on Colin.
Erin: Why not?
Me: Well, we didn’t feel it was medically necessary, and we wanted to leave Colin’s penis the way God made it. But it’s a very personal decision, and everyone has to decide what’s right for them.
Erin (pointing to the picture): So is that circumcised or uncircumcised?
Me: That one is cut, errrr, circumcised.
In fact, all of the pictures of the male anatomy showed circumcised penises, which I didn’t think was very helpful. But I couldn’t exactly ask Colin to model an uncircumcised penis for us. So I had to draw a picture for her.
Can you tell I went to art school? (The “ball sacks” on the left are an added bonus.)
Additionally, all of the penis pictures in the handout were of flaccid penises, which makes sense, I guess. But when you’re trying to describe reproduction, it’s not very helpful. So I improvised with my hands and fingers.
I appropriately horrified my daughter at this point.
We had covered a lot of topics by this point. And then the handout moved on to masturbation. Really? Masturbation? I mean, I’m not adverse to discussing masturbation. Clearly…
Masturbation counts as exercise, right? Asking for a friend…
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) November 8, 2013
It just doesn’t seem like masturbation is an essential topic when discussing reproduction. But this is a Catholic school after all, and I suppose the church wants to teach the kids shame and guilt from an early age.
First, we discussed WHAT masturbation is. I went with a simple, straightforward approach: “It’s when you touch yourself on your privates because it feels good.”
Erin pretended to be all innocent, but clearly she knew what I was talking about.
And then we got to the Catholic ideology part. I’m sure you know that the Catholic church frowns upon on most sexual activity that doesn’t support procreation. Specifically, they frown upon masturbation and homosexual intercourse because they will not lead to new (presumably Catholic) life. The handout discussed this concept at great length.
I really had to restrain myself in order not to break out into “Every Sperm is Sacred.” But we spent a full ten minutes discussing how the Catholic church teaches one thing, and we believe another. Because I’m not going to teach my daughter that masturbation or homosexuality is wrong. Even if sperm is “wasted.”
Here are some snippets of wisdom from this conversation. Feel free to borrow any of them for your own discussions with your kids.
- “It’s okay to masturbate. In the privacy of your own room.”
- “Make sure you wash your hands first… And after.”
- “Masturbation feels good. It’s a good alternative to having sex. Because you only do that when you’re married. After college.”
- “Love is love. Gender isn’t the issue. But get married first. After college.”
- “You know John and David? They’re married, and they have sex. They won’t end up having a baby that way, but there’s nothing wrong with what they are doing. They love each other, and sex is an expression of that love.”
- “If sex is an expression of your love for someone, then masturbation is an expression of self-love? Or it just feels good.”
- “Just remember what the Catholic church thinks for the test, okay?”
(You’re welcome.)
We had surprisingly little drama during the entire conversation, and both of us came out of it relatively unscathed. Honestly, I was hoping for more shock and horror from my daughter. Or at least some embarrassing questions. I guess I’ll have to wait until the lesson on STDs. I might have to start with the blue waffle disease myth (DON’T Google that) and go from there…
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OMG
This is hilarious.
And YOU, my friend, are a great mom. I think it’s important to speak freely about this stuff so it doesn’t become weird…like it did for me because we NEVER talked about anything like that when I was a kid.
I didn’t have my sons cut, either. I didn’t see the point of unnecessary surgery.
Thank you. And thank you. And I agree–I don’t want my kids to grow up under clouds of shame and/or secrecy. This is all pretty basic stuff that we should be open about.
My daughter is 5 and way more inquisitive than I expected for her age. At first babies come from God was completely plausible until she wanted to know how they got in your belly in the 1st place. I had the full on sex talk with my then 4 year old but made sure that emphasize that sex is not possible until you are married when you are 30 lol she was completely fascinated by the pen is and maybe a bit jealous that boys can pee standing up but this has made it increasingly hard on my husband in a house full of girls to keep his ugly junk under wraps because the 5 year old always busts in on him in the bathroom now I think to catch a peek at his majestic manhood…like it is a magic unicorn that poops rainbows. I am all like trust me you will spend much more of your lifetime hoping that men will just keep their ugly junk covered! Don’t rush it!
FTW! Loving you so hard…and it’s not even a gay love. Just straight girl-on-girl love. (Tweeted you because awesome)
Pattie = awesome!
“Just remember what the Catholic Church thinks for the test”.
I kind of wished you had broken into “Every Sperm is Sacred”, though. I tend to randomly explode into bits of Monty Python from time to time myself.
I really want to know what blue waffle disease is, though. Is that what killed that Norwegian Blue? (Beautiful plumage)
He’s not dead, he’s pining for the fjords.
Pining for the fjords? What kind of talk is that? (I used to be able to recite that sketch.)
And I sincerely hope you didn’t google blue waffle disease. Because gross.
Yeah, I’ll second that. DO NOT google. It’s not something you want to see. Seriously. *shudder* Not interesting, not even in an “omg horrifying car accident, I can’t look away” kind of way. Just plain gross.
When my time comes (prob next year if fifth grade is “it”) I am absolutely leading with monty python’s every sperm is sacred! If we can’t laugh through the convo we will prob both shrivel up and die. TY for the idea!
You’re welcome. I’ve been singing that song ever since last week. My husband thinks I’m insane.
Excellent. You should make a brochure…but hire a professional for the drawings.
You might be right.
Kelly, you SHOULD be a sex ed teacher! So funny!
My daughter’s health class is teaching them about STDs now. The other day I meantioned that the inside of my nose hurt so I either had a pimple — or leprosy. My daughter said, “It might be nose herpes. That’s a real thing.” WHAT!? It turned out to be a pimple, but holy shizznit — nose herpes? wtf?
Nasal cold sores sounds soooo much better than nose herpes. I think I’ll stick with that.
I loved it and laughed and told everyone.
Now. The serious part. You did a GREAT job with your daughter. Mine was like “um… penis… in.. vagina… it feels good… I guess. Anyway. BYEEEeeeeeeeee”
Your daughter will always appreciate this talk.
I love you and told everyone. And, seriously, thank you. I think I’ll start a business…
Shame on me. I did not have the talk. They had the class in school. Plus my daughter had the American Girl book. And my mother sent a book, complete with pictures. Completely inappropriate for the age she sent it at, but since I didn’t know that she’d sent it and the kids opened the box and read it without my knowledge (and were completely mortified but fascinated enough to read the whole thing), they seem to have it down. I won’t be winning any mother of the year awards this time around.
There’s always next year. Always.
“I’m embarrassed for y’all men too. That junk is ugly.” … I’m dying here! And I love how you told her to “Just remember what the Catholic Church thinks for the test.”
I actually think you handled this beautifully with great explanations. I LOVE THE PICTURES! And the balls in the sacks were not wasted on me. I appreciated your attention to detail!
Well, I mean, that junk IS ugly. My daughter agreed. Thank you for such high praise. Next up: She’s gonna get her period any day now. Oh! And she wants to shave her armpits.
Wow! I am impressed, and laughing so hard (“That junk is ugly.”), all at the same time.
I’m sure plenty of people with kids in Catholic school feel the same way as you. This blog post should be printed out and stapled to the booklet as an addendum, drawings and all!
HAHAHAHA! I could just imagine the looks on the “good” Catholic moms’ faces as they read this post.
Brava!! I am so not ready for this. My oldest is 8 but it’s coming fast! I am pinning this for when I need to laugh about it.
Well, and all of those helpful talking points, right? 😉
And I almost spit out my bite of sandwich when I read about your wanting to break out with “Every Sperm is Sacred.”Even though I now have it for an ear worm. Oh well–it was worth it!
Lord, we got the email this morning that my 5th grader’s teacher is starting this unit soon. I’m sort of dreading it, not because I don’t want him to know, or because I’m embarrassed (although I can’t wait until he comes to the same conclusion we all did when we first learned this stuff: “You and dad did…what? EW EW EW EW EW EW EW”), but because I KNOW it’s going to be a struggle to keep him from (over)sharing this with his brothers (both 8) and sister (7). This shit is on a need to know basis, and so far, THEY haven’t felt like they need to know (or haven’t expressed to me that they feel they need to know, which may, of course, be a slightly different concept), so he doesn’t need to tell them. Well, time will tell.
Thanks for the laugh!
Send him over. I’m happy to talk to him. And I’ll tell him that it’s “our little secret.” Okay, wait. That sounds wrong…
This is fantastic. I’m still dying over “that junk is ugly!” Ha ha ha. You’re my new sex-talking hero. I’m still glad I have boys though. This is Daddy’s job 😉
Oh man! I’m totally looking forward to giving the same talk to Colin. I might have to arm-wrestle my husband for the privilege of that discussion.
That’s awesome! You’re right, male junk is ugly. Functional but ugly. I’m Catholic but I don’t agree with a lot of the teachings. Mostly the sex is for procreation part. I’m sure it stems from the fact of producing more people of similar religious beliefs…strength in numbers right? I think you did a fabulous job!
Thank you. And, yes, the Catholics still seem determined to take over the world.
You really SHOULD be a teacher! I’m pinning the shit–err CRAP- out of this post. (Yeah I should NOT ever be a teacher, I’m surprised they let me take my kids home from the hospital.) Thanks for the book recommendation, pinned that as well. We’ll all need all the help we can get over here! I’m a recovering Catholic, and I’m STILL waiting for my mom to have The Talk with me. I guess after 3 kids, that talk is just not going to happen. And you’ve hit upon most of the exact reasons I don’t want to send my kids to Catholic school. Not all of them, but a couple of the big ones. I wish they would update their thinking a little bit. You should start your own Church of the Wine Pocket, now THAT I would go to. And donate!
OMG, JOY!! Church of the Wine Pocket! That’s a fantastic idea. I’m gonna get to work on that right away. xoxo
Good on you! You’re a fab mom, covering all the topics in extensive detail. I haven’t yet had to do anything hard on the sex education front, except explaining that we don’t drop pants in public or and humping should be done in the privacy of one’s own room. 😉 That was a three-year-old-boy lecture, and I’m in a safe age at the moment where he hasn’t asked anything beyond WHY I won’t be providing him a brother that he can name Anakin Skywalker…
Oh, it’s coming, Anne. It’s coming. You could probably use some food as props in your discussion tho. 😉
You’ve inspired me! The masturbation talk is tonight. Or maybe tomorrow. Possibly next week.
Have you done it yet? How about now?
I am so sorry that I am just now getting around to reading this because I had to “almost” have a talk with Sam last week but I got around it! For now! It will be much easier when he’s in 5th grade. I hope. But with boys, are Dads supposed to do it? I just know my husband will eff that up! (Plus, how is he supposed to explain sex when he never has it? Mwuahahaha). Anyway, I loved this – hilarious, and you are a stellar mom. Also I am gonna dig up that damned Tweet and retweet the eff out of it.
Thank you for the kind words, my beautiful friend. I’ll fly out and give your boys the talk if you don’t trust your husband. Did you find that tweet yet? I thought it was genius. No one else did.
So not looking forward to “that” talk. I’m printing and saving this for reference!
Yes. Just use this as a script. You’ll be golden. 😉
You should be a teacher. In fact, this would have been helpful about 3 years ago when I had to have the talk w/ my daughter. But the school sent us a 1 pg hand out saying we needed to have The Talk b/4 the kids entered 5th grade. That was it. It was public school & they gave me nothing to go on. No packet. No nothing. I can’t believe you got a 20 pg annotated packet in Catholic school. If anyone wud be tight lipped you’d think it’d be them. Oh, I totally got the American Girl book, & I basically just explained about puberty. I didn’t go over all that other shit. But I’m gonna have to this summer, which I’m not really looking forward to. And you know what, I’m not really in favor of any activity that will lead to a new life. Oh, and I’m in exile now. Not that you care.
Believe me, I didn’t want to talk about any of it. BUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH MADE ME.
My mother still to this day refers to sex as “the monkey dance”. I’m 30 and I feel that this shit needs to end. Now. So I will be sending a wholesome Catholic mother your way for some birds and bees lessons. I still find it extremely odd that she can’t get over the word sex considering I’m 1 of 5 children – they have the monkey dance down pat.
OMG. The Monkey Dance. I’m using that one forever. FOREVER.
Great piece!
I have two boys, now teens, but our discussions started pretty early. I wish my mom was as cool as you are. Well done.
(PS Karen Carter sent me)
Well, tell Karen, “Thank you!” I’ve seen your garden. I admit to be intimidated. Beautiful stuff!
I think I’ll just print this out and keep it for when my own daughter reaches puberty. Raised Catholic myself and I think the only thing my mom had to say on the subject was when I was reading Lady Chatterly’s Lover she asked if it wasn’t too racy.
Good plan. D.H. Lawrence opened up a whole new world for us, didn’t he?
My oldest is 7, so we are still at, “Mommy lays an egg and daddy fertilized it.” Oh, and “Play with that in privacy.” I will be using some of your material in years to come I’m sure. THe last time I had “the talk” with a friend’s kid for a friend because friend couldn’t do it herself because awkward, we had it in a restaurant. She was 16 to 17 years of age. She already knew a lot of what you already mentioned. So my focus was on men, and how they sell their junk like it’s a used car, don’t be fooled by crap like, “I respect your wishes to wait,” because they don’t. They lie, They will move in inch by inch to get in your pants, and they don’t take no for an answer, not even if you say it 10,000 times. I mean you can punch them in the face, kick them in the crotch, and spit in their direction, and they will still think you want them. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t be alone with a guy or anywhere there is opportunity for it. There is no such thing as cuddling only. They will rape and not realize it’s rape. Always stay sober. Always be in control of your body. Always keep your drink close to you so nobody slips drugs into it. And that men have two heads, and they usually think with their smaller one. Pay attention to which head you are talking to. You know, things I wish were said to me.
That was really good advice. I’m glad you were there for her. I wish it had been said to me as well.
I’m so glad I have a boy right now, and a hubby who will be in charge of ALL THAT!
WHAT?! I’m totally gonna arm-wrestle my husband to see who gets to give the talk to our son. I love this. Maybe a little too much.
Age appropriate discussions are needed throughout the kids life. My wire and I never used the silly names for their parts. We called them what they were. They would learn the slang names from somewhere else. Having ” the talk” with my lids was easy and never embarrassing for us. We are open minded parents that spoke the truth in regards to the important things in life. We are very fortunate that our 2 sons and daughter have grown into adults without sexual hangups or embarrassed to talk about it. I truly love your stories and would love to sit down with you over a few bottles of wine and discuss life’s adventures….but your hubby might not like that. Thanks again for your humorous stories.
I’m with you, Hugh. Straight, direct talk is best. Sometimes preceded by a little vino.
Only because you say “don’t google” that was a call! At 3 and half when her sister was born my oldest (now 5 and half) told me she already knew her sister would come out from between my legs. Well played girl (and who the hell told her?!?!?). Guess the road won’t be long until we have to explain the rest. As she’s smart and clever I’m kind of waiting for it! No false words, as we say a cat is a cat and a pussy well…is a pussy.
And they know so many more words than we think they do. (Although I don’t think my kids know pussy … yet.)
I laughed my arse off at this post, especially at your ‘demo’ pictures and the caption! I cheered too; our kids also go to a religious school and I totally agree with you on teaching them the differences between what they learn at school and what we believe at home. No one is going to convince my kids that a) God made the world in less than a week 4000 years ago, b) homosexuality is wrong, c) any one religion is the ‘right’ one, or d) that it’s not okay to have sex for fun (after college). Or any of that other religious BS.
GREAT post!
My main religious teaching to them is: Be a good person. I think God would approve.
And I’m so glad I made you laugh. 🙂
Oh my goodness, this is awesome. I had no problems having “the talk” with my daughter when the time came. However, now it really is time to talk to my son (he’s 11) and I’m terrified. And relatively clueless about the whole thing (I had no brothers). Pray for me.
Heck, I’ll fly out and do the talk for you. 😉
I’ve already sort of had a talk with my 4 year old, not by choice, but I had to say something when she started asking about how her baby sister got here. I think the scar from my c section and having staples from hip-to-hip made an impression on her. She doesn’t want to have babies until she’s REALLY old, like 30, lol.
They are curious little buggers, aren’t they?! Good job on deferring her babies until 30! 😉
You shouldn’t not teach the truth just because everyone else is doing it, accepting it or for what ever reason. Homosexuality is wrong because God did not intend it to be that way and masturbation is not correct either because your lusting in your mind. Sexual sins are something serious. But it’s not like many care to build a (truthful , not your own truth ) closer relationship with God anyway. For another person up there to say God couldn’t create in 7 days is like doubting his ability of power to do things. If you people don’t believe in what that religious school is teaching why even put them there to then confuse them. Hopefuly something good comes about learning from God’s word. Im not Catholic I was baptized Catholic but I don’t believe in half their teachings. Word and im reallu young too. Maybe your children will start reading the bible on their own and understand who God is rather then letting other people lead them at a older age.
Namaste, Jennifer.
You’re fun.
Had never read your blog before but got the link from Jen at People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Hilarious. Bonus points for Python references (and the namaste reply in the comments. we all know what that really means). That song is now stuck in my head, dangit!
I thank you for joining me, John. As you are already a connoisseur of fine blogs and movies, I will hold your compliment in the highest regard. And never, ever, say namaste to you. 😉
I am a nurse so dont think i wont be busting out the nasty nursing book pictures when it is time. My daughter just turned 3 and i am already planning it. Is that sad? and ways to torment future boyfriends but that is a different story altogether.
Why identify yourself as Catholic if you don’t believe or follow what the Catholic Church teaches? Your aren’t really Catholic if you pick and choose what you want to believe. It’s kind of like saying you’re American but really believe in socialism. Religion, like most things, is better when you go “all in”. As for gay sex being sinful the Church teaches all sex outside of marriage is a sin.
Michele, thank you for reading. You might also enjoy this article: http://www.bluntmoms.com/cafeteria-catholicism-thing-im-head-lunch-lady/
I heartily endorse this article. *ahem*
I now need to bleach my eyes. Blue waffle disease…..WTF!! I was thoroughly grossed out in middle school (also a Catholic school) when we had to watch the STD video. Thanks for bringing back the memories. Love the way you handled “the talk”. My daughter is almost seven, and despite her sister being born when she was 5, I was able to avoid all the questions. I dread having to teach her sex ed.
Omg, I died laughing reading this. My son is in 5th grade this yr. it’ll be interesting as I usually approach things with humor to lighten some subjects, this will be one of them. I’m pretty straight with my boys so most stuff doesn’t even phase them anymore it seems. Hopefully the reproductive part will be easy to discuss so long as I can keep a straight face in the midst of it all. My youngest (the 5th grader) happens to have been blessed with humor so who knows what will come spewing out of his mouth after class! And it just so happens my best friend just graduated from med school a month ago and we Googled blue waffles after a discussion the night before graduation…..I’ll never be the same! But funny to hear you mention it.
Well, I just subscribed to your blog so I must say I’m looking forward to reading much more.
Cheers!
Seriously? You expect me to NOT Google that?? Whatever.
Greatest book ever – The Period Book! gave it to my daughter when she was 9 years old. She shared it with ALL of her friends, and boy were their parents happy
I truly believe kids need to know about their bodies (age appropriate). You did a great job explaining it to your daughter.
too funny and so true. I very much admire your responses to a few of those posts. Since Brodie is going to Catholic school now I will have to follow your advice. And please don’t mix me up with the others Michele….
“I’m sure you know that the Catholic church frowns upon on any sexual activity that doesn’t support procreation.” FWIW, the Church doesn’t frown on sexual activity during the 3/4 of the month when a woman isn’t fertile, or after menopause. This is because it recognizes that sex has the dual goods of being unitive and procreative, and can be unitive for the spouses even when it’s not procreative. So the church doesn’t frown of sex that doesn’t support procreation, but it does frown on sex while actively preventing procreation.
That’s totally fair, Tom. I was trying to find a humorous way to combine the Church’s stance on both masturbation and homosexuality. I modified the text a bit based on your reply. Thank you.
so totally saving this!!! my 10yr old has been reading all her girls body books for a couple of years now, even has marked pages. when she asked how babies were made, like REALLY made, I panicked, ordered a few recommended books, drank a bottle of wine and sat her down. our kids are in catholic school also, can’t wait to see what next year 5th grade holds in that department.
btw, thank you for keeping me entertained!!! love love love your blog! we could totally be buds… that sounds maybe a little creepy? I’m not a stalker, but seriously, same sense of humor, sarcasm, and lover of pinot noir, lots of it— twinsies!!! cheers!
I Googled Blue Waffle. Of course I did. I should have listened to you. I have twin boys. When I had the talk with them (separately), one of them was cool as a cucumber, the other, who was wearing a hoodie at the time, pull the drawstring so tight for the entire talk it was like having a talk with Kenny from South Park.
Hi! Great post and I love love love the way you approached the talk. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this on your blog or not, but I’m a sexual health educator, and my kids at 5 and 7 know pretty much everything about their bodies and the stuff to go along with being a girl, being a human and being sexual. I kind of hate teaching in schools because I feel censored, and I think that masturbating, for girls especially, is super important. God knows the fellas they encounter when they’re older will probably not know what the hell to do, and I know so many women who have shit sex lives because they never learned how or were not comfortable with masturbating. Anyway, bravo to you- your daughter is lucky to have a mom who isn’t afraid to give her the truth.
LOL This is awesome. Complete with illustrations. Nice!
On circumcision- recently the American Pediatrics Association came out in favor, because of a slight advantage in terms of hygiene and cancer prevention. It’s not enough to start another vaccine war over, though. Just a reassurance for those of us who did choose it and a “meh, whatever.” shrug, most likely, for those who didn’t. Definitely, as you say, a personal choice each family should make for their infant sons, no public opinion required.
I embarrassed the heck outta my Babygirl just the other day by discussing porn and why I don’t support it (potentially damaging to relationships, and I know more about the industry itself than I want to- and most of the behind the curtain stuff is far less “romantic” and healthy than we’d like to believe.)
My kiddos are 15 and 18 and sexuality is an ongoing discussion. We started young, when we were learning to ID body parts and I gave them the actual names without fanfare. Made life a lot easier when they got older, because the topic was never taboo. I LOVE the American Girl book, and wish they had a new edition for the next stage of emerging sexuality. I guess it’d be near impossible though, with so many differing opinions on where the moral boundaries fall. Sex for unmarried, un-colleged teens? I’m against it myself, but many feel it’s a natural expression of perfectly valid urges. They’d need 10 different books, so mamas could pick and choose which one best matched their values.
You’re a great Mom. Good for you, for keeping it real and teaching your daughter not only the facts of life, but that Mom’s a safe place to talk about these issues as she gets older. My 18yo “Knower of All Things in the Universe” still “learns” way too much from Tumblr, lol, but at least I can correct some of her misinformation, because we do talk about things. She might scoff and roll her eyes, but at least we have a conversation.
One last thing- for Mams with shorties- Check out http://www.themamabeareffect.org/empowering-our-children.html
Mama Bear Effect is an EXCELLENT site that helps educate parents on how to prevent child sex abuse by empowering our kids with healthy conversations and information rather than scare tactics like “stranger danger.”
Good luck, Mamas! We all need it. 😉 <3
Just recently joined… reading your old stuff… PRICELESS!!
I just now discovered you and looove your writing. I laughed so hard and could totally relate to your post. You are so brave to say these things outloud on the internet. I would say them with my girlfriends, but don’t have the “balls in a sack” to say it on the internet for anyone to see. Thanks heavens there is someone like you to do that. On this particular post, it was so funny you quoted the Monte Python song. My daughter wants to listen to that cd all the time. Anyways, thanks for your great writing and great humor.
My daughter was in co-Ed sex talk class with her male teacher at a Catholic school. The teacher was 104 years old, and this was the 7th grade….
Old man: Masturbation is a sin
7th grade boy: WHAT??? You should have told me this year’s ago!!!
Whole class peed their pants!
As a mum of boys, all the ‘technical’ questions are referred to their father. I just tell them not to piss women off and to watch out for the vagina teeth because all girls have them until they’re 16.
I can’t get over how much the testicles in your uncut drawing look like toes. That’s hilarious. But on the other hand, thank you for your mature view on homosexuality. I, and my husband, appreciate it.
So glad this came up again! Just had the “just because you want to or your buddy already did, doesn’t mean you have to” talk at dinner with our 14 year old triplet boys. Good gawd help us – sometimes it’s waaaaaay more difficult being the truthful and real parents!
My son would NOT let us discuss sex with him!!! He figured it all out on his own and I wanted to discuss everything, explain girls periods and all that good stuff. He’d have NONE OF IT! So..I DID buy him a book called “under the hood” it’s a guys sex Ed book and had all kinds of good info – even slang terms for stuff. I told him to humor me and at least keep it in his room (somewhere). Although, I reiterated that his dad and I have no issues with discussing anything!!!
It’s just one of the interesting parenting things I was looking forward to -DENIED!!! Oh well, I probably would have messed it up somehow anyway. 😉
We explained masterbation a bit during the Seinfeld contest episode. Son said “what are they talking about”? We said, people pleasure themselves by touching their own bodies.
A few years watching it, son his laughing hard at the point where the (losers of the contest) are sleeping soundly.
Also, once husband asked me have you been turning the corners of my men’s health magazine? – No, why would I?
Hummmm – all the pages with ads with nearly naked women are folded over.
Well….the magazines are in the bathroom! Eeewww – I guess I didn’t want to REALLY KNOW!!
We didn’t say a word to son about it. 😉
That is a riot! If you think the male anatomy in unappealing, have you ever squatted over a mirror? The vagina looks like something out of a low budget science fiction film, operating on a marginal budget. We probably don’t even have to discuss all the other fermented fluids, monthly gushing and the loaves of bread that can be ejected with little to no effort by the bearer.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I love that I can hear your voice in my head when I read you now. I may have already commented the first time I read it – but my Catholic cousin didn’t understand what circumcision was either. And asked. In class. And several of the boys in the class offered to show her the difference.