Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

The Pooping Tree

By

Remember the book, “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein? It’s a beautiful tale of the lifelong relationship between a boy and a tree. (I always choke up when reading it to my kids. No, really. I do.) Despite some interpretations, “The Giving Tree” is generally seen as a heart-warming story of unconditional love.

Well, the story I’m about to tell you is not one of those heart-warming stories.

It is the story of a horribly fucked-up tree called, “The Pooping Tree.” The Pooping Tree is a giant Sycamore in our parking strip (that’s the area in between the sidewalk and the street). And every year, during Pooping Season, bird shit falls from the tree like tears from a teenage girl. Pooping Season is basically late Winter to late Spring—from early February through early May. So that’s almost three months of continuous bird shit.

See the ominous dark clouds around the tree? A shit storm is brewing...

See the ominous dark clouds around the tree? A shit storm is brewing…

The tree is actually horrible all year round. The fuzzy balls (those two words always make me giggle) blow allergy-laden crap all over the house and yard. It’s like fuzzy shitty snow all over the grass. The amount of leaves it drops is un-fucking-believable. Even though I wait for the wind to blow a majority of the leaves down the street prior to raking, I still fill up the entire length of my house with piles and piles of leaves the entire Fall season. I hate this tree.

All that being said, during Pooping Season, the tree is at its very worst. Friends and family know to park across or down the street—anywhere but under that tree. We actually clean the garage every January so that we can park our cars in there. (California real estate is so ridiculous; most folks treat their garages as extra rooms.) In the middle of Pooping Season, the bird droppings actually sound like rain when they hit the ground. My husband was taking out the recycling last week, ran back inside, and said, “I’m not taking that out right now. It’s raining shit.” Indeed it was.

Ahhhhh, the Spring has arrived.

Ahhhhh, Spring has arrived.

My friend, who is an Ornithologist (a bird specialist), came over during the first Pooping Season, briefly surveyed the neighborhood trees, and started laughing. “Yeah, it’s a mystery,” she said. “We don’t fully understand why the birds pick the trees they do. But they’ve definitely made yours the toilet tree.”

Gee, thanks. That’s helpful.

After our first full year living with this tree, I got a permit to trim the damn thing. See, given its location in the parking strip, it’s not actually my tree (it belongs to the city), but I have to pay for (and get a permit for) all trimming and maintenance. That year, I had the tree trimmer hack off as much as possible in the hopes that I could reduce the pooping range, but there are legal limits to what you can trim. And even though I kept screaming, “Take that fucker DOWN! MORE! MORE! MORE!” the arborist largely ignored me.

Of course, the tree grew back stronger and taller than ever. Desperate, I started trying natural bird scare tactics. I put a bobbly-headed owl in the yard. The birds don’t give a shit about the owl. (Actually, they give far too many shits.) They remain unafraid.

This owl isn't fooling anyone. Hell, the squirrels dry hump it daily.

This owl isn’t fooling anyone. Hell, the squirrels dry hump it daily.

I have played recordings of predator sounds. But I don’t think the birds can hear the recordings over their squawking and shitting. And the recording started scaring the neighborhood children. So I had to stop.

Two years ago when a tree branch that was a good 16” in diameter was broken and dangling from the tree, I decided to take the “This Tree is Dangerous” approach.  I have a friend who is a federal forester, and he confirmed that this Sycamore has no business being on a residential street. I called the city arborist to explain that the tree is too big for our street and that it needed to be removed or it might kill someone. He came down, took one look at it, and told me, “Yeah. You can’t take it out yet. Call me in 10 years.”

Thanks. That’s helpful.

So then I started my “Die, Tree, DIE!” campaign. Last year when I put in some new plants in the parking strip, I was having a problem with dogs killing them. So I put out this sign:

Come on. I dare you. Kill the Sycamore.

Come on. I dare you. Kill the Sycamore.

Sadly, the dogs just peed on the sign. Now my sign and the new plants are dead. And the nasty Sycamore lives on.

Actually, I guess the root of the problem isn’t my horrible tree. It’s the trees across the street that produce the berries that the birds eat and then fly to our toilet tree to poop all over the place. THOSE are the bastards we need to kill.

These are evil trees. If you kill them, I will love you forever. And gift you my bobbly-headed owl.

These are evil trees. If you kill them, I will love you forever. And gift you my bobbly-headed owl. You might have to scrape off some squirrel semen though.

Sadly, my husband, the tree hugger, is against tree murder. (I am too, I guess—except during Pooping Season.) So he won’t let me poison the evil trees. And apparently torching the trees is illegal and shit. Sigh…

(Ironically) our house is located close to a church so we get a fair amount of church parking every Sunday. And each Sunday during Pooping Season, the pious churchgoers get a horrible surprise after attending church services.

Here’s your reward for being a good Christian. (Note the Pooping Tree mocking me in the reflection.)

Here’s your reward for being a good Christian. (Note the Pooping Tree mocking me in the reflection.)

I actually feel bad for these people. I mean, they go to church presumably to better themselves and better the world, and then they literally get shit on. I feel so bad for them that I made another sign:

I totally got pooped on posting this sign. Bitches.

I totally got pooped on posting this sign. Bitches.

See? I’m nothing if not helpful.


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Comments

  1. OMG, this is AWESOME. I am rolling out of my chair. This is my favorite piece so far. Your signs are hilarious (RIP Murray!) and thanks for the Diet Coke nose bath on the line “I’m not taking that out right now. It’s raining shit.” … and your comments and sign for the pious churchgoers. HILARIOUS! Great job! And I LOVE the redesign!

  3. Isn’t getting pooped on considered good luck or were my friend fucking with me then laughing behind my back when I got shit on by a bird at Starbucks???

  4. So funny!….. but I feel your pain. Those birds like to use our tree from time to time as well. I can’t figure out their schedule.

    • PFFFT! “From time to time?” Try everyhourofeverydayforthreemonthsstraight. You don’t know my pain. You can’t handle the pain! xoxo

    • Thanks, Ashley! If I don’t laugh about it, I’d get really pissed. And that won’t help anything at all. Thanks for pimping my poop post too!

  7. Hilarious. I kind of wish I were your neighbor just so I could enjoy the signs you post. I’ll say a hail Mary for Murray and pray to St. Francis that the birds find a new tree from which to poop. We’re close to Easter, so there must be some sort of Catholic juju that can be conjured.
    Carrie recently posted…But, I Don’t Get ItMy Profile

    • I promise to post more. That way you can enjoy the signs without the poop or the ridiculous out-of-control real estate prices. And thank you for the prayers–I’m not sure my Catholicism carries any weight anymore.

    • Thank you. We have a medium-sized dog, and his poop is quite pleasant in comparison. Looking forward to checking out your blog.

  11. I’m surprised I didn’t just wake my husband because I was shaking the entire bed from laughing so hard while reading this. Seriously though I feel your pain. Our neighbors tree hangs over our property line and is a PITA year round. The pooping problem isn’t nearly as severe as yours though! But we do have a lot of (white) poo (no berries nearby), branches, leaves, buds fall all over our yard constantly…and once a year these things that look like plant worms. They are the worst. Maybe I should write a “worm tree” post!
    Angela McKeown Momopolize recently posted…No Mother’s Perfect: What Does The Kid Say?? (Plus Funniest Tweets and a Giveaway)My Profile

    • Awesome. About the shake-laughing, not about the PITA tree. Those are awful. Let’s burn them all down. Or just write posts about them.

    • I once had a dog with IBS (triggered by my stress). One night, a couple of weeks after my son was born, she came back to bed with me after a particularly long wailing-colic session on his part. She curled up next to my head, and as she plopped down, she sprayed me with a poop shower. It was not porn, but the expletives I shouted would have definitely made it R rated.

    • Thanks, Ashley! And thanks for reading! I have to laugh at the whole insanity of the situation otherwise I’d go crazy myself.

  15. I finally had a chance to read this – when I have enough battery and your internet provider isn’t going down on you…

    I love this! Well, not the tree, but your blog. Except the pic of the squirrel brazenly humping the owl, which got my blood boiling and made me want to go buy a bee bee gun. Since our dog destroys our window sills, scratches up our floors, and barks like a damn fool whenever he sees a squirrel out the window, I feel about squirrels like you feel about that tree. And they’re almost as prolific! Good luck with your evil plots! =)

    • Thank you! There is also a squirrel’s nest in the Pooping Tree. Seems like one could kill two birds with one torching…

    • I was pretty amazed about the people still letting their dogs piss all over too. I mean, I asked so nicely. People suck. Pooping trees do too. *runs to sporting goods store*

  17. Laughing so hard! This is hilarious! I LOVE all your helpful signs to the dogs and church-goers! My favorite line: “The birds don’t give a shit about the owl. (Actually, they give far too many shits.)” Ha!

    • Awesome. Thank you SO MUCH for reading and for sharing on Twitter and Facebook. I so appreciate the support. I promise to repay with more ridiculous signs.

  18. I decided that I need to help you with your pooping problem. And because we can’t force these birds into diapers, I did a little research. Here are some of the best remedies:

    Spray water with hose into tree at dusk or just about dark, they will leave and not fly back in the dark. Do this for several nights and they are gone!

    Get CDs like the free AOL ones you see everywhere. Hang them in your trees with string. the light reflecting scares them when they spin in the breeze. I sometimes hot glue them back to back so both sides reflect. If you tie one to each end of a string you can toss them into the tree. Have fun.It really works.

    And my personal favorite: Pea on it. No kidding human sent keeps them away.
    Fill a sprayer with urine. (note: Yes, the person spelled it ‘pea’ instead of ‘pee’. Awesome.)

    Of course your neighbors with the berries may not appreciate you spraying your ‘scent’ all over their tree, or decorating it with CDs, but hey, their tree is the REAL problem.

    • These are lovely solutions. But here’s the thing. The city doesn’t take too kindly to decorations on their trees; “apparently” they consider it “vandalism.” Also, this is a GIANT (mutant) Sycamore tree. It would take a bucket truck and about 1000 CDs to cover the entire tree. Also, those swarms (yes, swarms) of birds are fearless. Honestly, they’re a bunch of assholes. And I don’t even want to think about the amount of pee it would take to thwart the swarms of birds. It’s already raining shit; I don’t need pee too. 😉 But thank you for your kind suggestions.

  19. LMAO that was one of the funniest posts ever. I love the sign at the end. Idea to solve your problem. Cats. Lots of cats. Become a shelter to lost cats. Cats. They are 100% all natural exterminators. They poop in flower beds, and dogs love to eat cat poop, so maybe dogs won’t poop where they eat poop and save their pee for a different location.
    Michelle AKA Dribbles and Grits recently posted…Tolerating LifeMy Profile

    • Well, that’s about the loveliest thing someone has ever said. I’m gonna take that, put it on a button, and wear it forever. Sadly the neighborhood cats won’t go anywhere near my tree. It’s too big to climb, and they don’t like getting shit on either.

    • I totally have to laugh at it too; the alternative is to cry and/or get arrested for going unabomber on that tree.

      And I think that kid is a selfish little bastard too. Reminds me of my kids.

  23. This is so hilarious! I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw the title but it sure wasn’t this! I have a pooping story too, although not nearly as bad as yours. I can’t have a wreath on my door because every time I do, birds try to build a nest in it…in spite of the fact that I have 4 cats that really like birds and do catch them. I learned my lesson one year when they built a nest and once there were eggs in it, I felt guilty and left the wreath up. Well when those adorable babies hatched, they pooped all down my door and I couldn’t do anything about it for fear of disturbing the nest. We never did get the stains completely off the door! It was just awful and our door looked terrible. We also couldn’t go in and out of it because we didn’t want the nest to fall. NEVER AGAIN.
    Michelle @ A Dish of Daily Life recently posted…How to use Facebook Interest Lists to Drive more Likes, Comments, and SharesMy Profile

    • My husband would let the birds nest on the door too. I’m saving your story for when that happens at our house. Because HELL NO.

    • Yeah, I’ve always wanted to get into children’s books. 😉 Thank you! And I’m glad to give you something to think about while bitching. I do the same thing in the Fall.

    • OMG, I would LOVE to take a chainsaw to it (although it’s a giant mutant tree so I’d likely take down a few houses and a half dozen cars too), but the laws in SJ are very strict and the tree watchmen always on guard. It would result in a mammoth fine. Although that still might be cheaper than paying someone to take the monster down in 8 years. Hmmmm…

      And liquid lumberjack courage and chainsaws go hand in hand.

    • It might work for your bird problem. My swarm of birds are too loud and too high up. Good luck! (And thank you!)

    • Fuzzy balls. Gets me every time. And, yeah, I’m not so sure your “dandruff” can compare. 😉 Thanks for reading and commenting!

  30. I knew Mother Nature had a wicked sense of humor after the weather in Chicago, but this shit? Is hilari-ass. I mean, sorry about that. If *I* lived there, it would not be so funny.
    Note to self: Next time house hunting, keep an eye out for Poop Trees.
    Joy Christi recently posted…Real Role Models. Inspired By #YesAllMy Profile

    • I swear I’m kind to all animals–even birds. I have no idea what I did in my life to deserve this fresh hell.

  32. This is awful! I would be so irritated – I think I’d have to try to find a way to poison it. I’ve never heard of such a thing and it’s pretty hilarious when you think about it (and the way you wrote about it) – as long as I don’t have to walk under it or near it or have it on my property.
    Stephanie recently posted…HomeMy Profile

    • Yeah, it’s awful. I only find humor in the birds pooping on unsuspecting folks. I probably shouldn’t, but then I look at my patio and my sidewalk and my car and my… And I just don’t care.

  33. OK, I had to kind of hide behind my monitor as I read that, because I’m at work and I was trying really hard to make it look like I was doing something productive, when really I was laughing my ass off at this!

    If you change your mind about arbocide (which is what I guess one would call it), water it with a few of gallons of vinegar. Dead tree.

    We have swallows that come every April or May. It’s like San Juan Capistrano, only if it were San Juan Capistrano, I could leave once they started shitting, and not have to deal with it. As it is, there’s a pair that have decided to next above the security light on my garage, and they rain down poop on the driveway and garage door. Additionally, they get all bent out of shape when we’re on the driveway, because they’re nesting. I wish I had a way to point out these assholes that we were there first, and the fact that they made a nest on my garage does NOT mean that I’m going to stop using my garage and driveway until the fall when they go back to wherever the hell they came from. Jerks.

    Clearly birds are just assholes.
    qwertygirl recently posted…Get to WorkMy Profile

  34. Ahhhh hahaha I love your signs, I’m feeling so inspired right now to be a more effective communicator.

    There is an entire row of popping trees at my favorite mall– it’s such a conundrum because they are INCREDIBLE parking spaces that will save you so many steps… but you actually have to run, for fear of bird-shat-sabotage + the car… oh, the car…. It’s just one of those bad mistakes I continue to make on a regular basis.
    Aussa Lorens recently posted…I Just Can’t…My Profile

  36. I recently added your site to my facebook and loved the Brazilian article…in fact I still chuckle about it. This past article was funny also but the Brazilian will be my favorite for a while. Thanks for the giggles….xo

    • The Brazilian one is one of my favorites too. Thank you for reading it and this–and for adding my site. I really appreciate it! xo

  37. I am new here but I have to say I absolutely love your writing. I look forward to more! RIP Murray!!

  38. WOWZAHS! That was a whole lotta scrollin’ to get to the bottom of the comments, woman! This was so funny! I totally do NOT envy you. That sidewalk is intense! Damn birds. Maybe you could try to emulate the scene from “Steel Magnolias” where they are trying to get the birds away before the wedding…. bwhahaha!

    Thanks for linking up on #BlogDiggity today! 🙂 xoxo
    Drama Queen’s Momma recently posted…A Man and his MeatMy Profile

  41. OMG. That is so fu*king funny! Those signs were priceless! I totally relate! I have a pooping tree in my driveway in Atlanta and get the berry poop mixed with something (looks like raspberries mixed with vanilla yogurt (hope you don’t mind the visual). I swear that it must be huge buzzards making these goliath splatters that eat away my paint job. Thanks for making me feel like I wasn’t the only one with this problem. I can’t wait to read more of your writings. Have a happy day. – Cory

  42. My life would be ever so much more entertaining if you were my neighbor. Sadly, I’ll just have to enjoy you from your blog. Our neighbor has really big pecan trees and while she lets me enjoy the bounty in the fall, the darn things have twice lost branches and taken out our electric lines. Trees are evil.

  43. Hahahaha, I LOVE the signs! It’s my favorite way to communicate with people, especially if I’m being passive aggressive. So fun.

    So I didn’t read The Giving Tree until college when a girl I was dating had it because she was allegedly an education major. Anyway, I read it and I was all, “This is about a homosexual guy and his lover, a tree, right?” We argued about it for weeks. It was great fun, but in the end, I’m pretty sure I’m still right. Right?
    Don recently posted…A shooting a mother and her baby…My Profile

  48. Just have to suggest, if you’re still having issues with the pooping tree, and have a friend in the plumbing business, have them write an estimate or letter stating that the tree is interfering with your sewer lines and needs to be removed. The roots then become a public nuisance.

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