Every year about this time, when we’re busy thinking about crucifixion and resurrection and all that miraculous shit, I remember a little conversation I had with my daughter when she was in first grade. It was one of those conversations that catches you completely off guard. And, of course, it was one of those nights that my husband was out of town so I was on my own for this one.
Fortunately, there was wine.
Erin (timidly): “Mom, will I… will I die on the cross?”
Me (sympathetically): “Oh, honey. No. That’s a punishment they did a very long time ago. They don’t do that anymore.”
Erin (clearly relieved): “Oh! Great. Just like I won’t get stoned for having a baby out of wedlock?”
Me (slowly, carefully): “No… They don’t stone women in our country…”
Erin (confidently): “So, it’s okay if I have a baby out of wedlock.”
Me (OH SHIT): “Well, no. Having a baby is something you do after you graduate from college. And after you get married.”
Erin: “Oh okay. So my husband and I will just pray to God, and then he’ll give us a baby.”
Me (taking a big gulp of wine): “Well… God is involved, but you and your husband will have to do some stuff too.”
Erin: “We don’t just pray to God?”
Me (taking another big gulp): “Well… No. There’s more to it than that.”
Erin: “Like what?”
Me (polishing off the glass of wine): “Well… You and your husband will talk about it, and when you’re ready, you’ll get pregnant with a baby.”
Erin: “But how?”
Me (pouring another glass and drinking half of it): “Well… You and your husband will hug real tight, and then you’ll get pregnant with a baby.”
Erin: “How does the baby get inside you?”
Me (finishing the glass): “Well, the mom has an egg, and the dad has a seed. And when the egg and the seed meet, a baby grows.”
Erin: “Like gardening?”
Me (pouring another glass): “Well… Sort of… Except inside the mommy. It’s a lady garden.”
Erin: “How does the seed get inside the lady garden?”
Me: “I told you—the mom and the dad hug really tight, and the seed goes into the lady garden.”
Erin: “But how does it get INSIDE you?”
Me: “The Daddy puts it inside.”
Erin: “But HOW?”
Me (WINE! MORE WINE!!): “Well, you know how boys have penises and girls have vaginas?”
Erin: “Yes…”
Me: “When you’re married… After college… The daddy puts his penis into the mommy’s vagina, and the seed comes out of the penis, meets up with the egg, and starts to grow into a baby.”
Erin: “HE PUTS HIS PENIS IN HER VAGINA???!!!!”
Me: “Yes. It’s called ‘making love.’ And it’s something that mommies and daddies do.”
Erin: “Uh, wow.”
Colin (preschooler, who was playing it all cool until this point): “I can see why you wait for when you’re married. THAT’S REALLY ICKY.”
Erin: “YEAH IT IS!”
Me (emptying the rest of the wine bottle into my glass): “And my work here is done.”
Photo Credit: djem / 123RF Stock Photo
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BAHAHAHA
I remember getting the talk in 4th or 5th grade. When my mommy brought up the penis in the vagina thing I about barfed.
Me: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”
Her: “Well… it feels good.”
Me: *stares in disbelief*
Uh. I swear I replied to this and all of the other comments. But they seem to be gone.
But, yeah, I was with you. BARF.
OMG! Not looking forward to this discussion! Loved “after college” mentioned twice. Nice use of liquid lubrication. Hopefully a phrase you won’t have to explain anytime soon.
Yes. “After college” is something we say here a lot. “Liquid lubrication” is not. And hopefully not for a LONG time.
I never had that talk with my parents and my kids never really asked. I only just started talking about when the boys started to date. My parents answer to everything was “Do it and I will kill you” so I imagine it would have gone for that conversation too. Simple but effective. My mother did tell me once when I was a teenager that only men (aka my dad) like sex and she hates it. Nice.
“Do it and I will kill you” sounds like a good line right about now. 😉
Eww, gross. I’m never ever doing this again thanks to this post. (LMAO. That was hilarious).
Yeah. I’m done with it too! 😉
HAHHAHAHAH….I am so glad my kids are past that stage. That is hilarious!
Fortunately, I think my son got the gist of it and won’t be asking like my daughter did…
LOL — so funny! Reminds me when I explained it to my daughter and she was having difficulty comprehending how a penis could fit into a vagina. She asked, “Does the penis get smaller?”
(Not if you’re lucky, honey. Not if you’re lucky.)
“Not if you’re lucky, honey. Not if you’re lucky.” HAHAHAHAHAHA! Indeed.
When she said, “We’ll just pray to God & then He’ll give us a baby.” You say, “Yes.” Do I have to teach you everything?
You’re absolutely right. *hangs head in shame*
My parents had a book. It showed all the farm animals doing it and then the mommy and daddy. Pretty disturbing.
Did they show you this book? Was this their teaching tool? Wow. That’s extremely disturbing. *googles this book*
My daughter got a lot less caught up in that part of the horror and was more concerned about how the baby gets OUT …. “Because, wait. Where!? No. No. No. No. No way. No.”
A little trauma never really hurts in that regard. So I might have played it up a little. You know, because birth control. 😉
Trauma. Birth Control. Both good things.
Fantastic quick response parenting! I’m impressed. But she was only SEVEN! Shit, I’ve only got another year before I need to be on guard. And get more wine.
Always have more wine. You never know when that conversation is going to come up.
It was funny….the more wine you drank,you seemed to give more details. I don’t want to even think of what you could have said if it went to 2 or more bottles…..rotflmao.
If I had 2 or more bottles, I would have been ROTFPMGO (rolling on the floor puking my guts out).