No, I’m not getting naked in this post. This isn’t that kind of blog.
Did I finish my manuscript last year? No.
But did I accomplish my other 2022 writing goals*? Also no.
But did I get my greedy little mitts on a copy of the 1984 Dynamite Magazine that published my first joke?
FUCK YEAH I DID.
Remember Dynamite Magazine? Of course, you do. (Please don’t tell me you’re too young to remember because then I’ll just feel older than I already do.) In its heyday, Dynamite Magazine was the essential pop-culture and activity publication for children and tweens, and it included a feature called Bummers. Bummers were (not-really-funny) jokes that started with, “Don’t you hate it when…” Readers were invited to submit an ending to that sentence. Examples might include:
- Don’t you hate it when your brother eats the last cookie!
- Don’t you hate it when your parents forget your birthday!
- Don’t you hate it when the cat barfs on your bed!
Again, the “jokes” weren’t really that funny. The entire section was more like a Complainers Club or training to become a grumpy old person. (Don’t even say a word, Mr. Foxy.) Regardless, tens of thousands of kids across the U.S. wanted their Bummer published because fame and fortune awaited. If your one-liner was accepted, Dynamite would publish and illustrate it and send you $5 to boot. $5 could have bought at least 20 candy bars in those days.
Now as many of you know, I grew up with five older siblings, and there was a lot of healthy and (mostly) unhealthy competition throughout my childhood. We were rarely weren’t always very nice to each other, and battles erupted over simple things like competing for the last cookie. (Obviously I was an angel and not at all at fault for any of the screaming or fighting or property damage done to my parents’ house. Obviously.) Who could get published first in Dynamite Magazine was no exception.
Throughout the 70s and early 80s, Dynamite must have received hundreds of submissions from my brothers, and Not. One. Was. Accepted. When I talked about submitting a few of my own ideas, my brothers laughed at me and told me I would fail just like them. Not to be deterred, I sent in my submission, and a few months later received an acceptance letter and a big fat check for $5! This development really pissed off my older siblings. And that, possibly more than the prospect of getting published, made me very happy. Also, it was the first time I was paid for my “writing.” I basked in my glory … and promptly spent my earnings on candy. Probably Starbars or Whatchamacallits.
Tragically, I did not keep a copy of my Bummer. In fact, years later I couldn’t even remember exactly when it was published—or who was on the cover. If you’ve been a long-time Foxy Fan (Do we have buttons for that? I feel like we need buttons for that.) or if I annoy know you in real life, you’ve probably heard me bitch and moan about not keeping a copy of said Bummer. A LOT.
Well, after decades of regret, years of loud complaining, and two weeks of actually doing something about it, I have finally been reunited with the issue of Dynamite Magazine that contains my Bummer. Drum roll, please…
And now the best part … my Bummer. So there was supposed to be a big Bummer Unveiling Party with booze, buttons, and Bummers, but honestly, Mr. Foxy and I are tired AF. There just ain’t no more steam in the engine. So we’re going to have the unveiling right here on my blog. (I still might make buttons though.)
Before I show you my Bummer, I need you to lower your expectations because, remember, Bummers weren’t actually all that funny.
Nope. Go lower.
Even lower.
A scooch more.
Okay, here you go:
There you have it, friends. My published Bummer.
Now, it’s too bad Dynamite Magazine isn’t around anymore because my husband has a submission: “Don’t you hate it when your wife spends all your money on eBay looking for a dumb joke she wrote in grade school!”
Maybe I should give him $5.
*While I didn’t accomplish all my 2022 writing goals, I did make significant progress on my manuscript. And I won an Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck writing contest. And I even got an acceptance from a beloved literary magazine (that essay should be coming out early this year). So I’m calling 2022 a motherfucking win.
Cover Photo Credit: rpm1 / 123RF Stock Photo
Dynamite Magazine Cover and Bummer Copyright © 1984 Scholastic, Inc.
