Foxy Wine Pocket

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How to Dodge the Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf

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How to Dodge the Creepy Little Elf on the Shelf @foxywinepocket

The other day my daughter and I overheard a dad enthusiastically talking to his kids about their Elf on a Shelf. They were discussing how cute the little guy was and speculating about where he would hide this month.

I gritted my teeth and silently cursed that father. Or rather, I cursed my proximity to that father.

My daughter looked at me with adorable pleading eyes and said, “Mom, I want an Elf on the Shelf too. Please? Can we get one? Please?”

“There’s no fucking way I’m ever buying that creepy fucking elf. Do you know how much work it is?! Shit. You have to find a new place to put it every damn night. And you have to make it do creative things. I can’t keep coming up with new ideas like that. AND IT’S CREEPY. I’ve got enough on my plate this month with cooking and cleaning and shopping and making other magical Christmas shit happen. And I’ve got WAY more important things to do at night—like drink wine, binge-watch Orange is the New Black, and fall asleep on the couch. No fucking way am I signing up for yet another holiday chore. I mean, come on. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!”

Of course I didn’t say that to my daughter.

I replied in the most responsible and loving way possible, “Oh sweetie, we can’t get an Elf on the Shelf. Your little brother would be terrified of it.”

Yep. I lied. Or maybe I exaggerated a little bit—he actually does get freaked out by things like that. Regardless, I blamed my other child, and my daughter totally bought it.

And that, my friends, is how you do Christmas.

Photo Credit: “Elf on a Shelf Playing with Knives” by Michael Kappel is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic overlay.


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Comments

  2. Hahaha…nice! That’s so funny! Years from now they’ll be arguing and she’ll say, “It’s always been because of you! You’re why we can’t have nice things!” And you’ll say under your breath, “That fucking Elf on a shelf…” I needed this laugh this morning. Thank you!!!

    • She wasn’t all that disappointed, but I’m sure she’ll find something to blame him for. 😉 Thank YOU for reading!

  4. No Elf on the Shelf at my house either! Same reasons, why would I want another holiday job to do. My kids haven’t asked for it yet, but if they do, I plan on using the dog as an excuse. Awesome!!

  6. The first year I was on twitter I wondered about that elf on a shelf thing, then I Googled it and saw that creepy little elf – my grandmother has one I’m sure. Except hers is old with the painted hair molting off. If the tooth fairy never remembered to stop at our house, and a couple of times the Easter Bunny forgot to leave chocolate you can bet there’s no way I would make it through 24 nights of moving that creepy elf from place to place.

  7. Love it!! We don’t have have one either. I haven’t offered the kids a reason, I’ve just said no. So far it’s working for me!

  8. Ha…I totally get this, even though we do have an elf. I refused to even entertain the idea of the creepy Elf on the Shelf though, and then, one fateful day, I walked into a random boutique and saw the much cuter (and superior story) of Christopher Pop-in-Kins. Google or Amazon him…..he is adorable. AND….he doesn’t have to be an every day elf….he can pop in and out throughout the holidays. I still fully support your not wanting to add one more thing to the already crazy holiday season though.

  10. Although my kids are older, I’m right there with you. Anything to make mommyhood easier is the way to go. And wine always helps lol.

    • We have so many other ways of making Christmas special. I see no reason to add one more thing. (Unless it’s more wine.) Thanks for reading and laughing with me!

  11. Man, you have no idea how lucky I feel that this ridiculous elf was not a “thing” when my daughter was young. I recently saw “Mensch on a Bench” at a store (the Jewish joke on that darling Christmas elf). I was thinking I could have some fun with him on my blog. May have to go spend the 30 bucks!

  12. My inlaws sent one, and it is a total nightmare. It is like the tooth fairy every fucking night!

    • I actually don’t think its very much work to move the guy from one spot to the next each day. If you forget one day, who cares. I am not a creative person at all and our elf doesn’t play in the flour or make a bed in the kleenex. I’m not saying that it’s for everyone, but it really makes my son happy. I remember those special things that my parents used to do for me at Christmas as a child and I still think about how exciting it was to believe in something magical. I just think we’re only kids once and it’s fun!

      • I truly do think it’s fabulous if you and your kids love the elf. We have lots of traditions here–just not the elf.

  13. I have an elf that has been passed down….when my son asked about that stupid elf on the shelf and why ours doesn’t move I just looked at him. And he hasn’t said another word about those creepy things. Best child ever 🙂

  14. So so glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. That’s a level of guilt I just don’t need in this already guilt-laden month.

  15. Our elf died last year. Came out of the closet. The gig was up because my girls figured out how it moved around. Last night… “Mom, where is the elf?” The little shits forgot and want another year of it! I’m dying here!!!

  18. We have one. A relative gave it to my kids. And for precisely the reasons you highlight, that motherfucker sits in the same spot on the mantle from the time my kids watch me take it out of the box until I get around to putting Christmas shit away sometime in January (or February, let’s be honest). I’m stunned my 6 yo hasn’t called bullshit on his magic properties yet. Probably because I like to maintain mediocrity. That way my kids don’t question our laziness.

    • Did you cut yourself off from those relatives? 😉 I feel for you. But you’ve trained your kids well, my friend. xoxo

  20. Ha ! My son suggested we should get one, he’s 14! I think he wants to do the elf shaming shit…. I’m on the fence. Miss Gremlin isn’t really into it and she’s our only believer so it’s kinda pointless. But then again, it’s me so it’ll probably accidentally fall into my amazon cart.

    • If the older one volunteered to be in charge and was doing elf shaming, I’d totally throw that in my amazon cart.

  21. Sounds like you need to lay off the liquor! Laziness. Put a few days of effort in for your kids, for christ’s sakes. They are only little for a short time. The days of them lighting up at “magical” things will soon be gone and then you’ll regret the things you didn’t do. Then again…maybe you won’t.

    • Boo! Don’t listen to Kath, your instincts are 100% spot on with this thing. We all learned the meaning of Christmas without a fucking Elf on the Shelf!!! And, might I add, unless your kids are under 5 it will ruin Santa for them. “It’s a creepy doll”, my daughter’s words after I caved b/c she begged me for 2 straight years. Once they question Christmas magic it is a short leap to getting that there is no Santa. I am a hard way learner, stick to your gut, I unfortunately did not and now am stuck moving that Elf for my 5 year old son as my pre-teen girl smirks. Good times.

    • HAHAHAHA, Kath, you’re funny. I’m quite confident that all of the other Christmas traditions–and there are plenty–we have will be magical all on their own. Namaste.

  22. Yep, I am right there with ya. Not buying into the whole elf charade. My priorities are in sync with yours! My daughter has a friend who leaves little notes for a fairy at her house year round and the fairy leaves little trinkets and fairy dust. My poor daughter has been trying to leave notes to a fairy with no success….not gonna happen. I make a lot of stuff happen but this is not one of them.

    • Exactly. We do so much other magical Christmas shit–just not the elf. I don’t begrudge others–I’m just not doing it myself.

      (We need to hang out more. xoxo)

  23. I find this understandable. However, we have had Elf on a Shelf since we received it as a gift when my daughter was 4. She promptly named it Izzy Bakizzy and we have had a hilarious time moving him around for 8 years now. We try to find the most silliest or sneakiest spot to put him in and it is a traditional family thing now. We love it. To each his own!

    • I *love* that you have Izzy Bakizzy and that it is so much fun for you. That’s awesome. (I mean that sincerely.) And I thank you for not elf shaming me that it doesn’t work for our family. Hopefully you also found some humor in this post. 🙂

  26. I love your blog so much. These haters should be fucking happy they’re reading this or find a boring ‘normal’ blog to follow. These kids have a hilarious mother and I’m sure their lives are filled with much more fun things to worry about a stupid elf!
    Thanks for making my day 🙂

  27. Seriously all our friends have him and we don’t! My kids thankfully haven’t ask for him. I think they understand he would totally get in the way of my nighttime binge drinking and passing out on the couch. Lol

  29. My daughter is only 2 and only kind of knows how Christmas “works,” plus we’re going out of town this year so we’re not decorating. When she’s old enough to know of Elf on the Shelf, I’m hoping I can make up something that will keep us from having to take part in it. Plus, my husband is Danish, and the Danes have nisse, which is a mythical elf-type creature that you never see but is used to explain all the unexplained bumps and creaks in the house. To keep it happy, you put out beer and some rice pudding on Christmas Eve and it leaves a small present for each kid. NOT CREEPY AT ALL.

  31. I am so grateful glad joyous delirious just plain fucking happy i had nonidea that creepy thing existed and now that ours are 12 and 17 yeah they are to old for that!!! I clean that house every day why on Earth would I mess it up each NIGHT. Hell NO.

  32. Creepy is right! We have a friend who does the Elf on the Shelf, but she has two of them, a boy and a girl. She makes them do everything- crafts, silly hijinks, get into trouble, host contests for her little girl… Its insane how much work she does with them. No thanks. Not for me! LOL Luckily we don’t have kids, and our dogs would not be impressed by this! haha

  35. YES! I hate that little guy. And I have enough to do already. More than willing to throw one of the other kids under the bus to avoid it.

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