To my sweet, innocent child,
I have heard your furious whispers. I have seen your trembling hands move quickly to hide the scribbled notes. I know — you’re experimenting with some new language.
Technically, those strong words are called profanities, and they aren’t new at all. They have been around a long time.
Did you know that the Bible mentions vulgarities like “dung” and “piss?” Yep, it does. Dirty words appear all across literature. Shakespeare, D.H. Lawrence, Mark Twain, and many other famous authors employed expletives freely and deliberately.
I don’t consider swearing inherently “bad.” Hell, some British researchers published a study stating that cussing can actually relieve pain. Those smart bastards won a Nobel Peace Prize for that report. Personally, I find profanity an effective technique for anger management.
The point being: your mom knows a lot about swear words. They can be used for good or for evil, and you need to respect their power. I’m not telling you that you should swear. (I’m fine if you never pick up the habit.) But if you decide to dabble in the profane, you need to know how to do so. Here are my rules for you.
- First and foremost, learn what the swear words actually mean. Look them up in the dictionary or ask me. Each one is an alternative word for something else. Knowing the definition of every curse word is the only way to …
- Use profanity correctly and in the proper context. You need to learn when and how to use the right words so you don’t look like an ass. Did you stub your toe? A boisterous “FUCK!” is appropriate, while “Oh dick!” sounds wrong. By the way, it should go without saying …
- Never swear at school. NEVER. EVER. Or in front of people you don’t know. Or in front of your grandparents. Except your great-grandmother — she’ll probably laugh and teach you some new expletives. Which leads me to my next point …
- Know your audience. Don’t be an asshole and curse intentionally to piss somebody off or to get attention. It’s not nice. Understand that some people get their panties in a bunch if you swear in front of them. When in doubt, keep your damn trap shut. And to become a skilled practitioner …
- Appreciate the nuances of the language. There are subtleties worth noting. For example, the meaning of “fuck” changes depending upon what word you use after it: “me,” “you,” “off,” or “it.” These are important distinctions, and you need to master that shit. But please …
- Don’t overdo it. A sundae is not delicious if you put too many sprinkles on it. Treat obscenities like sprinkles. They should enhance, not detract from, the message you are sending. Use the words for emphasis. And only occasionally. That way, when you do use them, people know you’re not fucking around. Oh, and, by the way …
- Don’t let anyone tell you profanity is for the uneducated. You don’t have to put up with that shit. James Joyce sure didn’t, and neither do I. Sure, I could say, “Please refrain from exhibiting selfish and aggressive behavior in my presence.” But this college-educated woman knows the power and efficiency of saying, “Don’t be a dick.” That being said …
- There are some words that are so offensive that you ought not utter them. For instance, let’s try not to piss off any higher power, OK? And C U Next Tuesday? NOT OKAY IN MY HOUSE. That goes for derogatory terms for any race, religion, disability, or sexual orientation as well. For those words, you will be digitally grounded. Like, no phone or Internet for an obscene amount of time. And, Sweetie, even without these words …
- Don’t be surprised when people are offended by your choice of language. Hey, you decided to use the words, now you have to stand by that decision. Not everyone is going to like it, but you can shrug off that shit. Some people just don’t have a fucking sense of humor.
© 2014 Kathryn Leehane, as first published on Scary Mommy.
Photo Credit: ccaetano / 123RF Stock Photo
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This is the second blog post I’ve read today about swearing. Yours RULES
I see what you did there, and I like it.
Excellent advice. I may have to read this to my kids, who are both now in high school. We recently decided to drop the pretense that none of us swear, since we all knew this was not the case. It’s been a little strange, but also surprisingly liberating. Thanks for these very clever and helpful rules.
You are most welcome. My daughter found them very helpful.
Fucking nailed it.
*fist bump*
These are *excellent* rules and very similar to my own for the Girl.
I am perhaps, not the model of pure thought/deed/Mom that you see on most American television. I curse, I play video games that have FAR too many weapon choices, I foist exotic meals on my unsuspecting family.
I also have a tendency to say what is on my mind – usually with “well, I never!” sorts of results.
“Lady, come back! It wasn’t rudeness! It was just an utter lack of filter between mouth and brain.”
They never come back.
*SIGH*
Anywho! Sorry, got derailed there.
My point was that I love these rules and I might just print them off for when the Girl’s (potential) children happen along*.
—–
* – may that be many years and a PhD from now. Or world domination. I’ll take either, really.
I actually think these are good rules for EVERYONE- not just kids/teenagers. I am not anti-cursing and my language can be a bit colorful (especially when I’m driving… #RoadRage) but it DOES make me uncomfortable when people curse in weird situations like around people’s parents or kids or when they curse unnecessarily. Like if you’re dropping 14 F-bombs in a sentence I think you need to scale it back a wee bit. 🙂 Great post; love your stuff!
Love this: “Treat obscenities like sprinkles. They should enhance, not detract from, the message you are sending.”
I have worked with kids for over 20 years so my ability to censor myself is finely tuned. Out with my friends? Let ‘er rip! Weird thing is that when I repeatedly dropped the F bomb while giving birth, the nurse told me to stop, ha! I thought it was the perfect coping mechanism…
That is a perfectly justifiable reason to tell the nurse to fuck off.
I never had the swearing rules talk with my kids – now that they are adults, I guess I’m too late. Still, they don’t say anything I don’t say, so I guess some of it rubbed off on them.
we’restill finessing the rules here…but they’re much the same.
I’m hella sweary, and I’m damn proud of it.
That being said, I think you listed the most important rule ever: “That goes for derogatory terms for any race, religion, or sexual orientation as well.” In my opinion, that’s just called “being a nice person,” but it appears that has been lost somewhere in translation.
Keep truckin’ and saying fuckin’.
Love it! My mother never swore until she was in her 70’s, and now she’s all “bitch this” and “fuck that.” It’s very descriptive and gets the point across perfectly.
Bravo! My daughter will be reading this today, for sure!
Fuck yes. A well timed expletive is one of life’s great pleasures.
Words to live by. I love this!
This is pretty damned perfect! I feel exactly the same way. Although I laughed really hard when my youngest, at three years old, would say “oh my shit” and “holy mofo”.
She’s 14 and uses them in proper context now. She’s smart af.
I was looking for the 9 Rules for Swearing AT Your Children…but these are good nonetheless.
Words to the wise… nailed it.
Brilliant. Hilarious. Everything I love to read at 8 am. While I’m not one to swear in front of children (younger or older) my wife doesn’t hold back. Nor does her dad. Or her brother. Anyway, our oldest (8) knows them and I’m pretty sure he can use them properly. I haven’t quizzed him, yet. But I think we’re not far from discussing this list of rules. Thanks for the head start!
My kids don’t use profanities in front of me. It bores them when I scratch my head and shrug my shoulders. I know the words probably mean something, but who has the time to keep checking dictionaries? From what I can make out, most of the time the words are acting more like exclamation marks than anything else in any case.
Great advice and brilliantly hilarious at the same time!
I f**ing love it. For some reason my 3 year old has taken to dancing around the room, smacking her butt and yelling, “DAMN!” Makes no sense whatsoever, but makes me giggle, which tells you something about me and my parenting.
Brilliant stuff. I’ve never subscribed to the idea that swearing indicates a lack of vocabulary: I know plenty of words thanks, but sometimes fuck is just the best one.
“…sometimes fuck is just the best one.” Amen.
I f-ing LOVE this! Thanks! Forwarding to my children.
Can you turn this into a children’s book?