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9 Rules of Swearing for My Children

By Foxy

I use profanity freely in my writing. I also swear in casual conversation. But I don’t generally curse in front of my kids. (I swear.) So naturally one might ask if I let my own kids swear… @foxywinepocket | humor | profanity

To my sweet, innocent child,

I have heard your furious whispers. I have seen your trembling hands move quickly to hide the scribbled notes. I know — you’re experimenting with some new language.

Technically, those strong words are called profanities, and they aren’t new at all. They have been around a long time.

Did you know that the Bible mentions vulgarities like “dung” and “piss?” Yep, it does. Dirty words appear all across literature. Shakespeare, D.H. Lawrence, Mark Twain, and many other famous authors employed expletives freely and deliberately.

I don’t consider swearing inherently “bad.” Hell, some British researchers published a study stating that cussing can actually relieve pain. Those smart bastards won a Nobel Peace Prize for that report. Personally, I find profanity an effective technique for anger management.

The point being: your mom knows a lot about swear words. They can be used for good or for evil, and you need to respect their power. I’m not telling you that you should swear. (I’m fine if you never pick up the habit.) But if you decide to dabble in the profane, you need to know how to do so. Here are my rules for you.

  1. First and foremost, learn what the swear words actually mean. Look them up in the dictionary or ask me. Each one is an alternative word for something else. Knowing the definition of every curse word is the only way to …
  2. Use profanity correctly and in the proper context. You need to learn when and how to use the right words so you don’t look like an ass. Did you stub your toe? A boisterous “FUCK!” is appropriate, while “Oh dick!” sounds wrong. By the way, it should go without saying …
  3. Never swear at school. NEVER. EVER. Or in front of people you don’t know. Or in front of your grandparents. Except your great-grandmother — she’ll probably laugh and teach you some new expletives. Which leads me to my next point …
  4. Know your audience. Don’t be an asshole and curse intentionally to piss somebody off or to get attention. It’s not nice. Understand that some people get their panties in a bunch if you swear in front of them. When in doubt, keep your damn trap shut. And to become a skilled practitioner …
  5. Appreciate the nuances of the language. There are subtleties worth noting. For example, the meaning of “fuck” changes depending upon what word you use after it: “me,” “you,” “off,” or “it.” These are important distinctions, and you need to master that shit. But please …
  6. Don’t overdo it. A sundae is not delicious if you put too many sprinkles on it. Treat obscenities like sprinkles. They should enhance, not detract from, the message you are sending. Use the words for emphasis. And only occasionally. That way, when you do use them, people know you’re not fucking around. Oh, and, by the way …
  7. Don’t let anyone tell you profanity is for the uneducated. You don’t have to put up with that shit. James Joyce sure didn’t, and neither do I. Sure, I could say, “Please refrain from exhibiting selfish and aggressive behavior in my presence.” But this college-educated woman knows the power and efficiency of saying, “Don’t be a dick.” That being said …
  8. There are some words that are so offensive that you ought not utter them. For instance, let’s try not to piss off any higher power, OK? And C U Next Tuesday? NOT OKAY IN MY HOUSE. That goes for derogatory terms for any race, religion, disability, or sexual orientation as well. For those words, you will be digitally grounded. Like, no phone or Internet for an obscene amount of time. And, Sweetie, even without these words …
  9. Don’t be surprised when people are offended by your choice of language. Hey, you decided to use the words, now you have to stand by that decision. Not everyone is going to like it, but you can shrug off that shit. Some people just don’t have a fucking sense of humor.

© 2014 Kathryn Leehane, as first published on Scary Mommy.

Photo Credit: ccaetano / 123RF Stock Photo


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Filed Under: Life Lessons, NSFW, Parenting?

Comments

  1. Michelle says

    August 20, 2015 at 4:55 am

    This is the second blog post I’ve read today about swearing. Yours RULES

    • Foxy says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      I see what you did there, and I like it.

  2. Margot says

    August 20, 2015 at 5:46 am

    Excellent advice. I may have to read this to my kids, who are both now in high school. We recently decided to drop the pretense that none of us swear, since we all knew this was not the case. It’s been a little strange, but also surprisingly liberating. Thanks for these very clever and helpful rules.

    • Foxy says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      You are most welcome. My daughter found them very helpful.

  3. Snarkfest says

    August 20, 2015 at 6:25 am

    Fucking nailed it.

    • Foxy says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      *fist bump*

  4. Bon says

    August 20, 2015 at 9:01 am

    These are *excellent* rules and very similar to my own for the Girl.

    I am perhaps, not the model of pure thought/deed/Mom that you see on most American television. I curse, I play video games that have FAR too many weapon choices, I foist exotic meals on my unsuspecting family.
    I also have a tendency to say what is on my mind – usually with “well, I never!” sorts of results.
    “Lady, come back! It wasn’t rudeness! It was just an utter lack of filter between mouth and brain.”

    They never come back.
    *SIGH*

    Anywho! Sorry, got derailed there.
    My point was that I love these rules and I might just print them off for when the Girl’s (potential) children happen along*.

    —–

    * – may that be many years and a PhD from now. Or world domination. I’ll take either, really.

  5. Ali A says

    August 20, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    I actually think these are good rules for EVERYONE- not just kids/teenagers. I am not anti-cursing and my language can be a bit colorful (especially when I’m driving… #RoadRage) but it DOES make me uncomfortable when people curse in weird situations like around people’s parents or kids or when they curse unnecessarily. Like if you’re dropping 14 F-bombs in a sentence I think you need to scale it back a wee bit. 🙂 Great post; love your stuff!

  6. Jocelyn Jane Cox says

    August 20, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    Love this: “Treat obscenities like sprinkles. They should enhance, not detract from, the message you are sending.”

    I have worked with kids for over 20 years so my ability to censor myself is finely tuned. Out with my friends? Let ‘er rip! Weird thing is that when I repeatedly dropped the F bomb while giving birth, the nurse told me to stop, ha! I thought it was the perfect coping mechanism…

    • Life With Teens & Other Wild Things says

      September 28, 2015 at 5:42 pm

      That is a perfectly justifiable reason to tell the nurse to fuck off.

  7. Jana says

    August 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    I never had the swearing rules talk with my kids – now that they are adults, I guess I’m too late. Still, they don’t say anything I don’t say, so I guess some of it rubbed off on them.

  8. Liv says

    August 21, 2015 at 4:09 am

    we’restill finessing the rules here…but they’re much the same.

  9. Helleanor Rigby says

    August 24, 2015 at 11:52 am

    I’m hella sweary, and I’m damn proud of it.
    That being said, I think you listed the most important rule ever: “That goes for derogatory terms for any race, religion, or sexual orientation as well.” In my opinion, that’s just called “being a nice person,” but it appears that has been lost somewhere in translation.
    Keep truckin’ and saying fuckin’.

  10. Sangria Sisters says

    August 25, 2015 at 10:53 am

    Love it! My mother never swore until she was in her 70’s, and now she’s all “bitch this” and “fuck that.” It’s very descriptive and gets the point across perfectly.

  11. Hussy Britches says

    August 27, 2015 at 8:59 am

    Bravo! My daughter will be reading this today, for sure!

  12. Margot Potter says

    September 2, 2015 at 11:01 am

    Fuck yes. A well timed expletive is one of life’s great pleasures.

  13. Sandy Ramsey says

    September 8, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    Words to live by. I love this!

  14. Cyndy says

    September 9, 2015 at 8:44 am

    This is pretty damned perfect! I feel exactly the same way. Although I laughed really hard when my youngest, at three years old, would say “oh my shit” and “holy mofo”.
    She’s 14 and uses them in proper context now. She’s smart af.

  15. Momus says

    September 10, 2015 at 9:50 am

    I was looking for the 9 Rules for Swearing AT Your Children…but these are good nonetheless.

  16. Lisa @ The Meaning of Me says

    September 10, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Words to the wise… nailed it.

  17. Eric says

    September 11, 2015 at 4:36 am

    Brilliant. Hilarious. Everything I love to read at 8 am. While I’m not one to swear in front of children (younger or older) my wife doesn’t hold back. Nor does her dad. Or her brother. Anyway, our oldest (8) knows them and I’m pretty sure he can use them properly. I haven’t quizzed him, yet. But I think we’re not far from discussing this list of rules. Thanks for the head start!

  18. Bun Karyudo says

    September 20, 2015 at 1:22 am

    My kids don’t use profanities in front of me. It bores them when I scratch my head and shrug my shoulders. I know the words probably mean something, but who has the time to keep checking dictionaries? From what I can make out, most of the time the words are acting more like exclamation marks than anything else in any case.

  19. Carpool Goddess says

    October 1, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Great advice and brilliantly hilarious at the same time!

  20. Special Crazy Mom says

    June 2, 2016 at 11:52 am

    I f**ing love it. For some reason my 3 year old has taken to dancing around the room, smacking her butt and yelling, “DAMN!” Makes no sense whatsoever, but makes me giggle, which tells you something about me and my parenting.

  21. Claire says

    September 13, 2016 at 8:14 am

    Brilliant stuff. I’ve never subscribed to the idea that swearing indicates a lack of vocabulary: I know plenty of words thanks, but sometimes fuck is just the best one.

    • Foxy says

      September 13, 2016 at 10:44 am

      “…sometimes fuck is just the best one.” Amen.

  22. Karen says

    September 29, 2016 at 6:44 pm

    I f-ing LOVE this! Thanks! Forwarding to my children.

  23. Mommy Cusses says

    November 7, 2016 at 7:56 am

    Can you turn this into a children’s book?

Trackbacks

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    September 12, 2015 at 7:06 am

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  2. Lessons in Swearing - Three Monkey Chaos says:
    September 30, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    […] 9 Rules of Swearing for My Children – By Foxy Wine Pocket […]

  3. For real: I swear A LOT - Catnaps & Cocktails says:
    October 8, 2015 at 10:53 am

    […] Now, there are some guidelines when it comes to swear words. Foxy Wine Pocket is also a blogger who describes this to a T. Read it here. […]

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