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The Poop Club

By Foxy

Not to be dramatic or anything, but I almost died last week. Like, I couldn’t walk or talk or even move beyond (barely) breathing. I did cry a lot though. And my insides melted into the mattress as my body tried to incinerate itself with a very high fever. I picked up this nasty bug—named the Erma Flu—at a writer’s conference the week before. And it KICKED. MY. ASS.

As I was fighting for my life, I became addicted to Sons of Anarchy. In case you’re unfamiliar with the television show, it’s about an outlaw motorcycle gang called Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original. Or SAMCRO, for us insiders. They drink a lot of booze, commit heinous crimes, and have a bunch of tattoos. And Peggy Bundy kicks serious ass in it.

In my feverish state, I became a member of the SAMCRO gang. I rode out the chills as they rode their bikes down the streets of Charming. When they littered the backroads with bodies, I littered my room with tissues. While they took shots of whiskey, I threw back some electrolytes. I was a part of The Club.

In addition to raising hell in my bedroom, I sang Hot Blooded (my temperature really was a hundred and three) very loudly and sent several hot and sexy texts to Mr. Foxy.

My version of sexting.

I’m romantic as fuck.

Sadly he largely ignored me. Usually, he will exchange witty, texty banter. But for some reason, Sick Foxy is not someone he likes to chat with. Well…that and Pooping Foxy.

See, try as I might, I cannot get him to engage in conversations about poop. For some reason, he is opposed to discussing it. Considers that a “personal” matter. “TMI.” And he thinks I’m “crazy” and “a little gross.”

Fortunately, I’ve got friends who understand me and appreciate these kinds of texts. Together, the three of us make up The Poop Club. It’s totally like SAMCRO except without firearms or motorcycles.

As luck would have it, I beat the flu in time for our annual meeting this past weekend. I even brought matching pillows for everyone.

The United States of Poop Club

Our mascot is incredibly soft and fluffy.

It was a wild club gathering. We tore up the streets in our Uber. We guzzled beer in three different bars. While we didn’t kill anyone or piss off the ATF, we did get pissy-eyed drunk as we bid farewell to one of our members who is moving to Washington D.C. We even paid a visit to a tattoo parlor. One member suggested that we tattoo our Poopy mascot on our backs, just like SAMCRO. Fortunately, we weren’t drunk enough to actually try, but I did get a little color.

Getting inked. Like a motherfucking gangsta.

Getting inked..like a motherfucking gangsta.

And here’s the finished product.

My teeny tiny tattoo

See? I’m totally ready to join SAMCRO. I just need a teeny tiny motorcycle to match my tat.


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Filed Under: #notwinning, #winning, Random

Comments

  1. Michelle says

    April 13, 2016 at 4:56 am

    You. Are. Such. A. Badass. OMG.

    • Foxy says

      April 13, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      Awww, you’re my favorite. Always.

  2. Liv says

    April 13, 2016 at 5:03 am

    Yeah. What Michelle said. Bad. Ass.

    And I was a member of the poor club before it was cool.

    • Foxy says

      April 13, 2016 at 8:44 pm

      You better watch out–I’ll send you pictures.

  3. Randy says

    April 13, 2016 at 5:12 am

    I’m happy you’re still alive.

    • Foxy says

      April 13, 2016 at 8:44 pm

      Thanks. Me too. And I’m happy you’re still alive too. Take good care of our girl.

  4. Samara says

    April 13, 2016 at 7:50 am

    I was addicted to SOA, and I don’t normally even watch TV! LOVE that show.

    I’m so glad you’re feeling better. And that you own a poop emoji pillow, because we can never have too many emoji pillows.
    xoxoxoox

    • Foxy says

      April 13, 2016 at 8:45 pm

      It’s ridiculous. I can’t stop watching. Thank you. I’m glad I’m back at it too. xoxo

  5. Celia says

    April 13, 2016 at 9:30 am

    Great tattoo Foxy, love it.
    I will be king of poop club today as I have to get the dreaded colonoscopy tomorrow morning. UGH! !

    • Foxy says

      April 13, 2016 at 8:45 pm

      Thank you!! xoxo I hope all goes well tomorrow. I’ve had one of those myself. Not fun.

  6. Snarkfest says

    April 13, 2016 at 10:11 am

    Thank God you’re alive.

    • Foxy says

      April 13, 2016 at 8:46 pm

      Thank you. I feel the same way. xoxo

  7. Anne says

    April 13, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    I’m so glad you are here and sharing your awesome self with the rest of us!!

    • Foxy says

      April 13, 2016 at 8:47 pm

      Thank you. That means a lot to me. xoxo

  8. Audrey says

    April 28, 2016 at 7:40 pm

    How did I miss this post!?!?! I adore you.

Trackbacks

  1. Rules for Using Public Bathrooms | Foxy Wine Pocket says:
    April 28, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    […] toilet. Was your poop huge? A strange color? An usual shape? Take a picture and text it to your poop club. Then flush that shit down. The product of your bowels is not art. (Unless you created Donald […]

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