There comes a time in your life when you’re required to make a circus-themed centerpiece. Maybe it’s a decoration for a child’s birthday party. Or a get-well present. Or an anniversary gift. I mean, really, what represents marriage better than mayhem and pandemonium?
And you know what evil lurks at the circus, right? CLOWNS. Fucking clowns infest the circus. And our nightmares. No circus-themed centerpiece is complete without a clown. And I’m here to show you how to make one. I’m nothing if not
sick twisted helpful.
- Enlist your freighbor (neighbor who is also a friend) to shop for supplies with you. You know the one who took pictures of you defiling that open house? She will understand your vision.
- Go to five different thrift stores to find the perfect clown and doll for a whopping $3.
- Google “creepy clown faces” for inspiration and modify the non-descript thrift store clown using black and red markers and your daughter’s red glitter glue. Oh, and use a knife to scratch out some sharp teeth.
- After examining the doll more closely, decide her outfit won’t do because blood on a red dress is not horrific enough. Not. Even. Close.
- Steal the pink dress from your children’s princess puppet. Because it will really bring out the red in the blood.
- Repeat, “Sacrifices must be made in the name of art.” However many times necessary.
- After failing to put the red dress on the princess puppet (who knew puppets had such big heads?), find another use for the outfit. BECAUSE IT CAN’T GO TO WASTE.
- Ask your 10-year-old son if he has any small toy knives or swords that you can have for your art project.
- Listen to him sigh; then watch him roll his eyes and say, “I’m not helping you with whatever it is you’re doing, Mom. It’s just wrong.”
- Find a dull florists’ knife from a job you had 25 years ago. Decide it would spark more joy slicing doll flesh instead of removing thorns and leaves from flowers (or rusting in your junk drawer).
- Stab doll.
Laugh like a maniacGiggle and stab doll again.
- Search your house in vein for fake blood. YOU NEED BLOOD. KNIVES CAUSE BLEEDING. THERE MUST BE BLOOD.
- Text your freighbors to see if any of them has some fake blood. Real blood will do too.
- Delight in the quick response and the fact that someone has the supplies you need.
- At your freighbor’s house, apply “blood” to doll while eating some of her freshly-baked cookies. Because it would be rude to refuse her hospitality. And nothing pairs with faux murder scenes quite like cookies. AMIRIGHT?!
- Back at home, play “Clown Murders Doll” in your dining room and debate what sound a clown would actually make when stabbing someone.
- Decide against asking your husband’s opinion about murderous clown noises. And that you need more blood.
- Go back to freighbor’s house to acquire the red gel.
- Eat more cookies. Natch.
- Gather string, markers, and red gel in a supply bag.
- Carefully pack your beautiful creation in your suitcase to bring as the perfect hostess gift for your clowning-loving friend.
- Leave a note for the TSA so they don’t think you’re a nut job. (No, REALLY. You’re not.)
- Replace your friend’s uninspired centerpiece with your masterpiece.
- Delight in your attention to detail.
- Mourn the loss of your work of art and vow to go shopping again soon with your demented freighbor. (And write another blog post about it.)
Cover Photo Credit: lauramusikanski / Morguefile