I know that alcohol affects everyone differently, so there is no guarantee that my scale is the same as yours. But here are my 7 stages of drunkenness.

1. Sober: Is there alcohol in this drink?
2. Buzzed: Seriously, is there any alcohol in here? I better drink more to find out. And quickly.
3. Tipsy Slut: Let’s kiss everyone in the room. Even if I have to trip over strangers to do it. And, no, I am not talking too loudly—don’t you shush me.
4. Just Drunk: A rousing game of Cards Against Humanity is in order. If I nod my head really slowly while other people talk, I can prove I’m not drunk.
5. Drunken Whore (Mr. Foxy’s favorite): Sadly, this phase doesn’t last very long. Sometimes this includes wild hotel sex. Most times I blow right past this phase to the next one. And the window is cloooosed…
6. Completely Outrageous Slurry Idiot: Wrestling my neighbor at midnight on another neighbor’s front lawn sounds like a fantastic idea.
7. Beyond, Just Beyond: Time to review in detail all of the food that I have consumed. And test the temperature of the bathroom floor with my cheek. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen very often. Anymore.

What shall it be this weekend?

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