Foxy Wine Pocket

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6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop for School Supplies

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If I pretend I'm on a scavenger hunt all over town, does that make school supply shopping fun? No. No, it does not. | @foxywinepocket | humor | back to school

I hate summer with a fiery passion. It’s hot. I get sweaty. The schedule changes week to week (sometimes day to day). I need to entertain bored and whiney kids while still trying to produce for my job. I have to hound said kids to eat regular meals and get outside instead of playing video games and watching YouTube all day everyday.

But one of the things I hate the most about summer is school supply shopping. I dread this sadistic annual ritual more than most apocalyptic nightmares. The supply list is incredibly long and tedious, and it is filled with the most specific, hard-to-find items imaginable. By the time I’m done with the whole multi-day ordeal, I’ve dropped a full car payment (or two) at various stores all around town. I feel like it’s a punishment for hating summer so much and wanting to send my kids back to school so quickly.

Quite simply, it’s the most torturous scavenger hunt known to parents.*

In no particular order, here are six things I’d rather do than subject myself to the yearly sanity-time-and-money suck that is school supply shopping:

  1. Get a root canal. The time involved and number of trips to the dentist would still be less than amount of time it takes me to find the elusive 10-pack of washable markers (Classic color only! No pastels!) and 5, 1-inch white binders with transparent sleeves and interior pockets. And the root canal still might be less expensive.
  2. Teach an entire room of preschoolers to tie their shoes. It would be less frustrating than spending all day hunting for supplies only to come home and find out that the 2-pocket blue folders that I dug through stacks and stacks of folders for (at multiple stores) were supposed to be plastic—not paper.
  3. Express my dog’s anal glands. The odor would be less offensive than the foul stench of sweat and fear emanating from the tired, worn-down parents who are fighting the same painful battle—most times with cranky children in tow. Because none of us could find the exact matches on amazon.
  4. Give up bacon for an entire year. The grief would be far less severe than the mourning I do for the clumps of hair I pull out of my head standing in line at the fifth store only to find out they gave away my reserved white Magic Rub pencil erasers—the only school-approved eraser.
  5. Get a full body wax, including my nasal hair. (And we all know I hate Brazilians.) The pain would be less intense than the ear-piercing scream my daughter lets out when she discovers those much-coveted One Direction high-top shoes don’t meet uniform standards.
  6. Give my husband oral sex daily for an entire month. And swallow. Enough said.

I’d come up with more things that I’d rather do than shop for school supplies, but first I need to decipher the items on the school supply lists (one per child!) and drag my kids with me to at least five different stores to find the precise matches. And then return the incorrect items I bought. And then label each individual crayon. And then…

Seriously. Who has time/money/patience/stamina for this shit?

*But I do it anyhow. I’d give the teachers my left kidney if they asked for it. Because the teachers need all of the support we can give them.

If I pretend I'm on a scavenger hunt all over town, does that make school supply shopping fun? No. No, it does not. | @foxywinepocket | humor | back to school

Photo Credit: elnur / 123RF Stock Photo


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Comments

  1. Hold on – let me wipe the hazelnut latte off my monitor before I can type… I just spit laughing so hard – a scavenger hunt for grownups – so true. OMG – I just put my list together last night – and I am dreading it… THANK YOU for putting words to my feelings in such an eloquent and precise fashion. You just saved me three sessions at the therapist by expressing exactly how I feel. OMG – I am still laughing. THANK YOU.

    • Thank you for getting me. REALLY GETTING ME in a way not even my therapist does. xoxo

      P.S. Sorry about wasting the latte.

  2. Holy hell..I don’t miss that. I don’t miss it at all.

    This is hilarious. You know..if you promised hubs #6 then I bet he’d do all the shopping for you. I know mine would.

    Well..not for you. For me..and we don’t need to school shop anymore, but you know what I meant, right? Or should I dig this hole a little deeper?

  3. As someone who’s had several root canals, you now have me severely fearing school supply shopping. Also, today is the first day of having my two kids under two at home with me. For six whole weeks. So I’ll just repeat to myself “at least I don’t have to go school supply shopping for a few more years” to make me feel better about how tough it is caring for two babies all day long. Though that’s a bit of a mouthful so how about I just drink some wine instead.

  4. And swallow? School supply shopping must SUCK. See what I’ve done there?

    My kids are 3 and 4, we’re only shopping for Disney bookbags right now. I’m out-sourcing this gig when elementary school comes ’round.

  5. Everything you said in Paragraph one. Times one thousand. Somewhere in late June I gave up on the screen time fight when I figured out that every hour he is on Minecraft is an hour I can work in peace.

  6. The only good part about Back-To-School shopping is that it means summer is (finally) nearing the end and the little darlings will actual go the eff back to school! Hang in there, wine for lunch will happen again!

  7. Wow you must REALLY hate school shopping. Because anal gland expression, no bacon AND oral for a month is bad. But full body Brazilians?? YIKES!!!

  8. Can someone, anyone, explain to me why every classroom needs approximately 288 glue sticks (NO PURPLE–FUCK YOU, THEY ONLY SELL PURPLE)? Over TWO HUNDRED glue sticks. FOR WHAT? In seven years of school, no child has ever brought home enough projects that obviously involved glue to justify that number. Are they repapering the staff room, and using the glue in place of wall paper adhesive? Holy hell. I start buying glue sticks as soon as they appear in July, because by August the stores are completely wiped out. I fucking hate glue sticks. I can handle buying pencils and folders (our school district isn’t super strict about paper vs plastic and that sort of thing), but the hunt for glue sticks make me want to give myself a hysterectomy with a rusty corkscrew.

    • And we have to buy a 6-pack of those fuckers. What the fuckity-fuck?

      *takes the rusty corkscrew away from you because I like you too much*

  10. I tol my kids just yesterday that I am boycotting school supply shopping this year! Unless it is a life or death situation I will NOT buy another box of crayons, markers, colored pencils etc. If my kids need said items they can pick through the ones they brought home at the end of the school year. I will only buy boxes of Kleenex, disinfectant wipes, spray in hopes that my kids stay sickness free during the year. I’m also stocking my bar with the money I save from buying 500 glue sticks!!

  11. And this is yet another reason I love my school: we give them $50, and they buy everything the kids need for the year. BAM! No shopping for school supplies! And I feel like it’s cheaper than if we were each buying supplies ourselves, because the school can buy in bulk. (The kids who can’t afford it get theirs provided for free, because the $50 is enough to help cover their costs. Because, kindness.)

  12. I have to go school shopping for myself and boy am I glad all I need is a notebook or two. Shopping as an older university student who DOESN’T need to live in a dorm is easy. Unless of course I’m going to the store a week before school starts and trying to squeeze past frustrated parents. I’m not one of you but damn, you have my support.

    The shit they make you get these days is insane. All you really need (from what I can tell anyway) is a stack of pencils, shit ton of notebook paper, some crayons and a few binders. Why give a shit about whether they’re white, clear, paper or polka dot?

  13. hahahaha this is hilarious! I will send my preschoolers to you to learn to tie shoes, and in exchange I’ll scavenge these ever-elusive supplies! Science of Parenthood wrote a hilarious piece last year about the very SPECIFIC kinds of school supplies Noreen’s son needed, it was hysterical, and much like you’ve described. I can hardly wait for those lists to start coming again! Looks like you & I will be paying tons on shipping, good old e-Bay!

  15. 7. Have a colonoscopy, including the prep. Shitting yourself silly would be less traumatic than finding the correct index cards, which will never be used anyway.

    I started to LOVE summer only after we moved from Florida to the Mid-West.

  16. I’m so glad our school PTA sources and packages the kits as a fund-raiser. Money well spent. Not sure what I’ll do about middle school in 2 years, but I’m still in denial that middle school is in 2 years.

  17. papsmear.
    teeth cleaning.
    vacation with in laws
    stuck in an elevator with paris hilton or a kardashain with only conversation to keep us occupied.
    anal.
    there, i said it.

    funny as always,
    xo

    • Yes to all of those things. JUST YES. They are most excellent and appropriate. Hope your knee is doing better! xoxo

  18. My laptop screen is literally wet from the water I just spit out all over it! HA! My son isn’t in school yet, so now I know the horror that I have to look forward to. Good times!

  23. I feel your great pain. I would do all of the above and walk naked in front of coworkers. Fight the good fight and give great blow jobs. You can get out of this!

  24. Our school provides the school supplies, which I knew was awesome, but I didn’t know it was give up bacon, swallow for a month awesome. Yes, I’m bragging, but I’m also thanking you for helping me see clearly.

  25. Yes, and amen to all of them! And somehow my kid always ends up in the class where the teacher needs 10 folders in a color only found in a store in Bolivia, on alternate Wednesdays in a leap year! Once again you cracked me up and made me spit out my coffee!!!

    • THAT’S EXACTLY RIGHT. You can NEVER find the right color and quantity. Tho I’m sorry you feel my pain. ‘Cuz I love you way too much for that. xoxo

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