I recently received some hate mail feedback on my ridiculous book “review” (you might want to read that, if you haven’t already) implying that, clearly, I must just suck (pun intended…always) because women don’t hate giving blowjobs as much as I stated. The feedback went on to imply that if I were a better wife, I’d be giving my husband blowjobs daily. At that point, I started to suspect Mr. Foxy was creating fake email addresses just to send these email comments to me. But whatever.
In my defense, I never said I hated giving blowjobs; I merely stated that most women don’t enjoy them as much as the protagonist in the book. But I lacked hard data to support this statement so I decided to conduct a very scientific research study on what women really think about giving blowjobs.
Now, I used to work at a high tech company designing needs assessments, audience analyses, and all sorts of professional (and very expensive) research projects. I’m an also expert in developing psychometrically-sound certification exams as well. Probably, you haven’t heard of psychometrics (don’t click that link–you’ll fall asleep) until now. But I seriously used to do that shit. Just believe me when I tell you that this was a very sound study*. It was painstakingly designed to collect unbiased data on women’s enjoyment of blowjobs.
Research Subject #1
Me: “Your thoughts on blowjobs. Go.”
RS #1: “Quicker than sex.”
Me: “Would you say you enjoy blowjobs?”
RS #1: “Enjoy might be too strong a word. I definitely don’t mind them and can fake that I enjoy them very well and very easily. I definitely use them as a way to get out of sex. And of course, they’re always part of foreplay.”
What I really love is that RS #1 didn’t even bat an eyelash when I sent her this text. She answered me as if this is the way we talk everyday. (Okay, so it’s the way we talk everyday.) But so far so good. I had collected important feedback and was pleased to see that it corresponded with my original assertions. But I wanted some stronger, irrefutable data.
So I moved on to Research Subject #2.
Research Subject #2
Me: “Doing some research. What do you think of blowjobs?”
RS #2: “I love them.”
Me: “Huh. You’re skewing my data. I’m going to delete this text.”
Unfortunately Research Subject #2 wasn’t home when I called so I contacted Research Subject #3.
Research Subject #3
Me: “What’s your position on blowjobs?” (HAHA–position–get it?! I’m full of fun and giggles.)
RS #3: “If I want something…a girl’s weekend or a new purse, it’s a handy tool.”
BINGO. This was exactly what I was looking for. I was very much enjoying RS #3’s answers. I dug even further.
Me: “Do you enjoy them?”
RS #3: “WTF? Who actually enjoys that shit? Although I did hear that if the guy eats pineapple, it make the experience ‘sweeter.'”
(Gagged a bit. Took a couple of deep. Regained my composure.)
Me: “So you actually swallow?!”
RS #3: “Ah HELL NO! I was just giving important information. LOL. [My husband] is too polite.”
(Oh, thank god. I knew we were friends for a reason.)
Me: “Thank you for your input. As it coincides with my opinion, I will allow it into my research project.”
At this point, I knew I had great stuff, but I felt like I needed to collect just a wee bit more data in order for this study to be sound. But I don’t have that many friends with whom I can discuss blowjobs via text message. So the research study stalled for a bit.
A week later, on an outing with our kids (who were out of earshot, I swear), I ambushed interviewed Research Subject #4.
Research Subject #4
Me: “Alright, this may seem intrusive, but I need to know what you think of blowjobs.”
RS #4: “It’s a necessary evil.”
Again, I’ve got to hand it to my friends. They don’t even pause or get uncomfortable or take the slightest offense at my invasive questions.
RS #4: “I mean, it’s the quickest and easiest way to get it done and then I can go to bed.”
And there you go. Yep, exactly my point.
Now one of the great things about text conversations is that you can end them at any time, and you aren’t distracted by facial expressions and other odd noises that people make when talking about sex. Since this live conversation went on for quite some time and I had to disclose additional information about myself and my opinions, I think it’s safer for everyone to not include the rest of the transcript. And, really, I had collected all of the data necessary for this scientific and statistically significant research study.
Summary
Honestly, I think the data speaks for itself, and there is no need to analyze this further. But in case it’s not clear: women don’t enjoy giving blowjobs as much as the protagonist of the book (and men might want). It’s not that we hate them; we just don’t enthusiastically jump at every chance to give them. And we certainly don’t swallow if we don’t have to (at least not without a mint or something). We still love our partners, I promise. Especially when they give us purses and let us go to sleep.
Coming Soon: Blowjobs Part III (The One Where I Ask You What You Think)
*To maintain the integrity of the data and thus the validity of the entire research project, I have removed all names. It has absolutely nothing to do with any husband potentially taking offense to the responses. Really.
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I definitely agree the bj is not a treat for the lady. My experience and informal surveying has helped me to conclude this activity is conducted in what I like to call the “Campaigning” portion of the relationship. You know what I’m talking about. The beginning part where you want the other person to see all the superfantasticpostive things about you, so you do things like:
* Wake up before him after “sleeping over” to wash your face, brush your teeth and apply lipgloss and then sneak back into bed
* Shave every single wingle time you see them
* Wear terribly uncomfortable clothing to make your body look more amazing (Spanx, water bras, sexy heels, skinny jeans, etc.)
* The bj (and maybe even imply you like giving them)
All this to ensure they don’t know that you sleep with lotion on your feet, wrapped in saran wrap, with socks on top, to get rid of your funky feet situation… But I digress.
I have a few tips to make this experience more *ahem* palatable…
1. The Altoids trick really works. It has to be Altoids. Don’t tell the recipient you have the mint in your mouth. He will think you are magic and you will stay minty and be more distracted by moving the mint around in your mouth.
2. I have not tried this but what if you used the hj to bj move (to minimize the bj time) and use coconut oil for the hj portion? So then when you move to the bj it’s like a tropical vacation down there! If you have some chocolate syrup you could make your own Mounds! (Have I gone too far?)
I’m gonna admit that I haven’t wanted to reply to this comment–primarily because I didn’t want Dan to know that I had actually read it. I don’t need him knowing that I’ve received any tips. But I *love* the name “Campaigning” for the courting phase of the relationship. Very appropriate. And I guess I appreciate the tips–but I think I’ll stick with the Altoids and leave the chocolate syrup in the fridge. You’ve just ruined Mounds candy bars for me. Forever.
Kelly Fox…maybe you can switch to Almond Joy bars instead? Because sometimes you feel like a nut?
Welp, I’m one of those who love to give BJ’s. BUT, so as to not spoil them, I kind of hid this from men I dated for a long time. Full disclosure: I’m bisexual, so this applies equally to male and female lovers, but I kind of get a power trip from giving oral sex. Smells rarely grossed me out, and if things are funky, never has a dude refused to give the business a quick wash if a BJ is on offer. I’ve got no problem asking for a teeth brushing too; morning breath is no joke.
It is not an every day activity, or even an every sex activity, but I love the power of having someone thrash away madly as I decide exactly how much stimulation (or how little) they’re going to get. Pretty much keep at it until they’re begging. Does that make me mean?
It doesn’t make you mean. Maybe a little twisted. And I love you even more for it.
Might your hate mailer been a man?
I don’t have hard evidence, but I’m 99.9% certain it was my husband Dan.
WHY was I not a part of this research?? I would totally support your hypothesis.
You have the best friends. Ever.
Mounds are ruined for me as well.
Altoids? Who knew? Now I do!
Oral sex is one aspect I love to give and receive. The better to give philosophy works for me,but I do like to receive on occasion. I have a respect for women who do not like to reciprocate. Giving oral is like what Gigi replied….an empowerment. You have control ( not meaning in a forceful way) over your partner and knowing that at any moment that they can orgasm and you can stop or move somewhere else to take the orgasm to new heights. This is just my opinion from a guys point of view
I support your hypothesis. Not my favorite thing to do, but like RS#4, I go with “necessary evil.” Sometimes you just have to suck it up (ha ha! See what I did there? Oh, right. Sorry. Moving on).
Hmmm….so does it make me weird if I totally agree with the “necessary evil” and “it’s a quick way of being able to go to sleep” responses–but that I really don’t mind swallowing (let’s be honest, the alternatives are just messy)?
I’d have been all over this survey and would like to recommend that your next survey be an expose on whether people fold or crumple their toilet paper when they wipe. I have strong feelings about this as well.
I love this post and the conversation that is going on. This is most certainly what my girlfriends and I talk about. In fact, if I can’t talk about this kind of stuff with the girls, then they can’t be my friend. I enjoy the BJ, I do. But I do not swallow and I won’t even taste that stuff. Yuck. If the hubs pulls out too late, there will be repercussions. And I’m not talking about that kind that involves whips and chains either. This was fun stuff. Can’t wait for Part III.
I’m inclined to wonder if anybody who OMG LOVES a dick in the mouth doesn’t maybe need to explore the pleasures of myriad other worldly treasures in their mouths: cheesecake, a great bourbon, BubbleYum –i.e. things that are not dicks. I can see loving a nice Merlot in one’s mouth, but then to follow that with loving dicks in one’s mouth?Well, I just sense a fissure in one’s understanding of what constitutes lovable things to have in one’s mouth.
With that said, if I’m super horny, I’ll put my husband’s dick in there no prob — sometimes getting him off gets me off. And I do swallow — actually surprised that others don’t, not because one way is better than another but because I’ve never actually surveyed to see. You learn something every day. For me, not swallowing seems worse; you gotta hold it in there while you search for someplace to spit, or worse, he pulls it out and gets it all over your clean bedsheets, and now, not only have you just had a dick in your mouth, but you also have a chore of changing the sheets, and that’s all very inconvenient, really.