Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

  • About
  • Books
  • Events
  • Contact Me

5 Tips for Dealing with Your Hellion, errrr, Toddler

By Foxy

Here are a few tips from my time in the toddler trenches. I hope they will serve you as well as they did me. @foxywinepocket | humor | toddlers

I admit, it has been a few years since I’ve had toddlers or *really* young children. My kids are in grade school now, and we’re in the sweet spot of parenting. But I remember all too well the meltdowns and insanity of the toddler phase. (I keep that in mind as I enter the meltdowns and insanity of the tween phase.) I sport some impressive battle scars from my time in the toddler trenches.

Throughout those years, I had a couple of tricks in my bag (along with soiled clothes, cracker crumbs, and mini-bottles of booze). I thought I’d offer a few tips from my experience in the hopes that they will serve you as well as they did me.

  • Have crayons in your bag at all times. One of the freebie sets from your local restaurant will do. Pull the crayons out at the doctor’s office. Tell the kid he can draw all over the protective paper on the exam table; there is an endless supply. This tip seriously saved my sanity over the years of waiting and waiting at the doctor’s office. If the little pip-squeak happens to get some crayon on the wall, well, so be it. It’s the doctor’s fault FOR MAKING YOU WAIT SO DAMN LONG. The crayons also work for physical comedy. Teach your clowns to stick them in their noses and ears for hours of fun. If a crayon gets stuck—don’t worry—you are already at the doctor’s office.
  • Use bribes liberally. We’re talking about small monsters children here—laws don’t apply. I kept snack-sized M&Ms in the car at all times when my daughter was in the horribly-mislabeled “Terrific 3s.” Before leaving a playdate or other fun place, I’d whisper, “Leave without crying, and you can have M&Ms in the car.” It worked every time. (Well, except the time I carried her over my shoulder out of the mall screaming. And a few other times.) Let’s just say it worked more times than not. If you’re still having trouble rationalizing the bribe, just remember that M&Ms can also be used as sorting and counting tools. And chocolate always makes you feel better.
  • Give the illusion of choice. Picky Pants doesn’t want the pasta for dinner? Fine. Tell her, “You can have that or rutabagas. You pick.” She will never pick the rutabagas. She will usually eat the other food (or go to bed hungry). And it’s fun to hear her try to pronounce the word in case it backfires. (It never back-fired on me.) Even if it does, no one actually knows what a rutabaga looks or tastes like so just find the most vile thing in your fridge and serve it to the traitor.
  • Put it on your “wish list.” This got me out of so many stores (okay, mostly Target). “Moooooooom! I want that!” “MOM! I must have that.” “Mommy, I WAAAAANT!” I’d simply reply, “Okay, obnoxious one dear. Let’s put it on your wish list.” And I’d take a picture of the item. That satisfied my son, and we could complete our shopping trip. This tip also helps when you’re drunk and ordering last-minute birthday gifts on-line because you took a nap instead of shopped during the one free hour you had all week. “What the heck did he say he wanted?” Just check your phone.
  • Stash a sucker in the first aid kit. Make it sugar-free if you must. But, seriously, there is no first aid item more important. “Awwww, that’s so sweet!” you say. Yes, yes, it will make the kid feel better and smile a little. But mostly the sucker is so YOU DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE DRAMA QUEEN SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY OVER A TINY LITTLE SCRATCH. That sucker shuts her right up. Maybe stash two suckers. And a little bottle of vodka for yourself.

And there you have it. Your mileage may vary, but I urge you to give these tips a try. My kids seem fine. Really. (I’m still stashing some cash away in the therapy jar.)

What’s your favorite tip for dealing with the hellion(s)?

Photo Credit: “scream and shout” by Mindaugas Danys is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic overlay.


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Life Lessons, Parenting?

Comments

  1. Sarah (est. 1975) says

    March 11, 2014 at 5:34 am

    “It’s the doctor’s fault FOR FUCKING MAKING YOU WAIT SO DAMN LONG.”

    Preach.

    • Foxy says

      March 13, 2014 at 6:01 pm

      RIGHT?!

  2. Kristina Walters @ Kris On Fitness says

    March 11, 2014 at 9:19 am

    I love it! I never thought of doing crayon thing at the doctors. That’s awesome! I’m sure your kids are just fine!

    • Sarah (est. 1975) says

      March 11, 2014 at 11:38 am

      IT’S KRIS!!!!!

      Hi.

      This comment contributes to the discussion.

      • Kristina Walters @ Kris On Fitness says

        March 12, 2014 at 2:04 pm

        Hey! Lovin this blog too!

    • Foxy says

      March 13, 2014 at 6:01 pm

      My kids are just fine. My kids are just fine. My kids are…

  3. The Shitastrophy says

    March 11, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Genius! The lollipop in the first aid kit – how the hell did I miss that? Yes I also incorporated the “yes, that is an awesome toy/candy/slurpee! did you bring your wallet and you can buy it! Oh no, well be sure to put it on your christmas/easter/bday list.”

    • Foxy says

      March 13, 2014 at 6:03 pm

      My daughter was (is) a drama queen. The lollipops were a definite sanity saver. And, thank you for not buying your kids everything they want. We don’t need another generation of entitled shits.

  4. Joy says

    March 11, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    You should be a life coach. Brilliant. We stumbled upon the magic if suckers finding some in the car that the bank had given us, those and almond cookie things were called “Shutup Sticks” by my husband & me. I never thought of coloring on the paper in the doctors office! We always have crayons too! And I ALWAYS have booze. I mean I have a teenager. This is solid gold!!

    • Foxy says

      March 13, 2014 at 6:04 pm

      “Shutup Sticks” I fucking LOVE it! You better trademark that now!

      *puts life coach and trademark consultant on resume*

  5. Pattie says

    March 12, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    If I ever have grandchildren I am set. Now I know to have booze with me at all times. Waiting until I get home is not necessary.

    • Foxy says

      March 13, 2014 at 6:06 pm

      At ALL times. But I only drink if I’m not driving. I’m a responsible drunk if nothing else.

  6. The Shitastrophy says

    November 10, 2014 at 5:12 am

    I always asked my kids if they brought their wallets. When they said no I then employed the Christmas/Birthday list option.

  7. Michelle says

    November 10, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Man…I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with this anymore…

  8. Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) says

    November 17, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    oh that M&Ms trick is very clever!! and the crayons on the doctor’s exam paper — brilliant!

  9. Kath says

    November 17, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    My rule when we were shopping used to be: The more you whine, the LONGER we stay.

  10. Jane says

    November 17, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    My 4 yr old boy cries almost hysterically when it’s time to leave grandma’s and go home. What can I do about that?

    • heather says

      November 17, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      Leave him at Grammas.

  11. MamaHussey says

    November 17, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    Leave him at Grandma’s…. BRILLIANT!

  12. Echo says

    November 20, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Hahahahaha! I have been using “Put it on your wishlist” since October!

Follow Me!

  • 
  • 
  • 
  • 

Subscribe via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket and receive new posts by email—tiny presents delivered straight to your Inbox.

Best of Foxy Wine Pocket

  • My First (and Last) Brazilian
  • The Pooping Tree
  • What Women Think About Blowjobs
  • Why I Should (Not?) Teach Sex Ed
  • Motherhood Is Disgusting
  • Rules of Swearing for My Children

Search for Previous Posts

Recent Posts

  • Bless the Baby, but Fuck All the Fluids
  • Beware of Killer Tampons
  • The Perfect Wife
  • I Do NOT Recommend This Diet Plan
  • How Do You Make a Clown Nativity Set Even More Awesome?

Archives

Copyright © 2022 · Foxy Wine Pocket · All rights reserved · Privacy Policy

Tweet
Close

Buy me a drink?

A ridiculous amount of coffee and booze is consumed in the process of writing these stories. Add some fuel if you'd like to keep me going!

 

Subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket!

Enter your email address to subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket and receive new posts by email—tiny presents delivered straight to your Inbox.

×