I’ve started a new club. It’s a very important club, but I’m only inviting a few friends. Honestly, I don’t think most of you can hack it. The initiation is rigorous, and the pressure to break the rules intense.
I’m calling this club, “Mom Club.” It’s for regular moms like me that are sick of all the competition and judgmental attitudes that come from non-members.
Please take careful note of the following rules before applying:
- No cleaning. You do not need to clean your house before other moms come over. If your house is perfect, we’re going to have to kick you out of the club. Oh, oh, oh, unless you’re OCD or something—then it’s okay. BUT if you expect the rest us to clean our houses before you come over, you’re out.
- Call them “meetings.” When making lunch, coffee, or wine plans with other moms, do not tell people you are going to lunch, coffee, or wine. You’re having a very important meeting. Is that going to be a problem? Are you too honest? Don’t join this club.
- Do not criticize another mom’s kids. I don’t care if that mom is talking shit about her own kid, and you absolutely agree. DO NOT JOIN IN. As the mom, she has the right to criticize the child. You do not. Just nod your head, tell her she’s doing a great job, and the pour some more wine for everyone.
- We “sharpen the saw.” It’s not a pedicure or shopping or a massage. It’s an investment in your well-being. Call it a refining day, training, or professional development. Otherwise outsiders are bound to misunderstand.
- Do not over-volunteer. Now it’s okay to do your part, and you absolutely should. But don’t be that mom who does everything and then gives the rest of us “the eye” when we don’t. Other moms will resent you, and then you won’t have enough time for our “meetings.”
- Do not overdo the non-holiday holidays. Valentine’s Day? St. Patrick’s Day? Flag Day? THEY’RE NOT REAL HOLIDAYS. It’s okay to lightly celebrate them. I can suggest an adult-themed beverage in honor of the day. But, for the love of Mom Club, stop decorating your entire house and making holiday-themed food and crafts. And, whatever you do, do not give out presents left by gnomes, gold coins, glitter, or other ridiculous shit. That makes it too difficult for the rest of us.
- Give a heads-up to your fellow members. Did you just talk to your kids about sex? Reveal the secret behind Santa and the Tooth Fairy? Agree to buy your tween a cell phone? Then help a mom out and let us know so we can prepare our kids. And ourselves.
- Do not, under any circumstances, include us in your parental obligations. Sure, we’ll babysit for each other every once in awhile, but don’t invite us to your child’s dance recital, sporting event, chess tournament, or spelling bee. That’s your cross to bear. Ours is heavy enough as it is.
- Don’t make other members look bad. If you do any of these things on a daily basis–sex, home-cooked meals, showering, laundry, cleaning, or really anything domestic—then you better not mention that in front of our spouses. Seriously, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
- No judgment or unsolicited advice. Do you have strong opinions about bottle vs. breastfeeding? When and how to potty-train? Homeschooling? Co-sleeping? Working vs. staying-at-home? Keep them to yourself. We all do what we need to do to survive in this brutal battle of parenting. Unless someone specifically asks for your advice, keep your trap shut. Wine can help.
So. Do you think you can handle it? Then we’d love to have you. Membership dues include your favorite beverage. In case you hadn’t figured it out already, I’m bringing wine.
P.S. Certain dads can apply as well.