Foxy Wine Pocket

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10 Rules of Mom Club

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I’ve started a Mom Club. It’s for regular moms like me that are sick of all the competition and judgments that come from non-members. But there are 10 rules you must follow. @foxywinepocket #parenting #humor #wine

I’ve started a new club. It’s a very important club, but I’m only inviting a few friends. Honestly, I don’t think most of you can hack it. The initiation is rigorous, and the pressure to break the rules intense.

I’m calling this club, “Mom Club.” It’s for regular moms like me that are sick of all the competition and judgmental attitudes that come from non-members.

Please take careful note of the following rules before applying:

  1. No cleaning. You do not need to clean your house before other moms come over. If your house is perfect, we’re going to have to kick you out of the club. Oh, oh, oh, unless you’re OCD or something—then it’s okay. BUT if you expect the rest us to clean our houses before you come over, you’re out.
  2. Call them “meetings.” When making lunch, coffee, or wine plans with other moms, do not tell people you are going to lunch, coffee, or wine. You’re having a very important meeting. Is that going to be a problem? Are you too honest? Don’t join this club.
  3. Do not criticize another mom’s kids. I don’t care if that mom is talking shit about her own kid, and you absolutely agree. DO NOT JOIN IN. As the mom, she has the right to criticize the child. You do not. Just nod your head, tell her she’s doing a great job, and the pour some more wine for everyone.
  4. We “sharpen the saw.” It’s not a pedicure or shopping or a massage. It’s an investment in your well-being. Call it a refining day, training, or professional development. Otherwise outsiders are bound to misunderstand.
  5. Do not over-volunteer. Now it’s okay to do your part, and you absolutely should. But don’t be that mom who does everything and then gives the rest of us “the eye” when we don’t. Other moms will resent you, and then you won’t have enough time for our “meetings.”
  6. Do not overdo the non-holiday holidays. Valentine’s Day? St. Patrick’s Day? Flag Day? THEY’RE NOT REAL HOLIDAYS. It’s okay to lightly celebrate them. I can suggest an adult-themed beverage in honor of the day. But, for the love of Mom Club, stop decorating your entire house and making holiday-themed food and crafts. And, whatever you do, do not give out presents left by gnomes, gold coins, glitter, or other ridiculous shit. That makes it too difficult for the rest of us.
  7. Give a heads-up to your fellow members. Did you just talk to your kids about sex? Reveal the secret behind Santa and the Tooth Fairy? Agree to buy your tween a cell phone? Then help a mom out and let us know so we can prepare our kids. And ourselves.
  8. Do not, under any circumstances, include us in your parental obligations. Sure, we’ll babysit for each other every once in awhile, but don’t invite us to your child’s dance recital, sporting event, chess tournament, or spelling bee. That’s your cross to bear. Ours is heavy enough as it is.
  9. Don’t make other members look bad. If you do any of these things on a daily basis–sex, home-cooked meals, showering, laundry, cleaning, or really anything domestic—then you better not mention that in front of our spouses. Seriously, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
  10. No judgment or unsolicited advice. Do you have strong opinions about bottle vs. breastfeeding? When and how to potty-train? Homeschooling? Co-sleeping? Working vs. staying-at-home? Keep them to yourself. We all do what we need to do to survive in this brutal battle of parenting. Unless someone specifically asks for your advice, keep your trap shut. Wine can help.

So. Do you think you can handle it? Then we’d love to have you. Membership dues include your favorite beverage. In case you hadn’t figured it out already, I’m bringing wine.

P.S. Certain dads can apply as well.


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Comments

  2. I could be a part of this club…I could be an officer. Sargent at arms maybe? Ohhh..treasurer. Yeah, I can be treasurer.

    You can trust me. I swear.

  3. I am seriously considering starting this Mom Club! It sounds AMAZING, and absolutely needed! Especially with school starting and all of the B.S. that ensues!

    Thank you for giving us this inspirational idea! This club will give is the time and opportunity to be REAL people again, not just the robots we become!

    Again, THANK YOU!
    Tricia Counter, aka Aiden’s Mommy

  5. Can Halloween be a real holiday? I love to scare other people’s children, that should count for something… the rest I don’t do (except for the beverage and celebratory chocolate).
    If I’m in, I’ve got the vodka.

  6. Oooh, oooh, can I please be one of the select few dads that can join? I promise I will follow the rules (even #10: if club members are having sex every day I vow not to use that info to get the same out of my spouse).

  8. I was thinking of including a picture of my house to go along with my membership, but then i was afraid the board of health might find it. Totally sign me up!!!!!

  9. Where were you even 10 years ago? However, I think these very basic, yet fantastic rules can be applied to a club for Moms with grown kids. We are still moms but we have different issues with our adult kids. But #1, it always applies, as does any rule that includes alcohol.

  11. I throw my hands up in the air… me me me… I am SO there!!! Celebrating the non-holidays… I am OVER IT! We are not Irish…. so my kids looked at me like I was a bad mom because their milk was WHITE on St. Patrick’s Day!

    • Okay, I will admit to putting green food coloring in the toilet. But green pee is just funny. And only takes me a few seconds. That’s all the time I have.

  13. I admit I’m guilty of #5. But it’s not because I’m a show off holier-than-thou asshole, it’s because I’m a spineless idiot who can’t say no. But I am SO WITH YOU on 6 and 7. Stop with the fucking everything holiday. When you have a Pinterest board called Ideas for Columbus Day, it’s time for an intervention. And for 7, please for the love of god, yes, warn me about letting your ten year old have an iPhone, because I really don’t want to hear three months of whining that, “Conner got one.” Fine, ask Connor’s mom if she’d like to buy you one, too, because I can’t afford one right now.

  14. I’d like to apply for membership to this exclusive club if you’d be so kind to consider me. I hardly ever clean my house anyway, but will admit upfront that I do try to make at least part of the coffee table surface visible and may also use one disposable wipe on the downstairs bathroom in a mad frenzy before people come over. As long as I can do some private judging (c’mon, no one can give that up completely if we’re being honest!), this is a club I’d love to be a member of. Like Pattie, I wish this opportunity were available sooner– where were you, Foxy, when my kids were younger–instead of the young teens they are now? You would have saved my sanity!

  23. Ok, I’m a retired dad (kids now 31 and 36). I had to be mom as well for quite a while when they were young.
    I absolutely love the club rules. May I join?
    Howard

    • Absolutely. But, seeing as though your kids are out of the house, I’m going to have to assign you extra baking duties. Sound good?

  29. I gave up celebrating holidays a long time ago…with the exception of Christmas. In the “Great Purge” of 2014 after the hubs left, I donated a CRAPLOAD of holiday decorations to Goodwill. Some other sucker can spend hours decorating and then putting things away. I graduated from the Mom’s Club quite a while ago – but that’s OK, because now I’m in the Grandma’s Club – and we have totally different rules. I think you have inspired a blog post, m’dear!

    • You HAVE to report back with the Grandma’s Club Rules. Although, I’ve seen you around. So I’ll still hang out with you at Mom Club.

  34. I’m not a mom but I totally do the meeting one. My two closest friends are sorority sisters so instead of saying we’re going to hang out, we call it out “chapter meeting.” It’s perfect.

    I also put my hair appointment on my work calendar as a doctor’s appointment. I mean, she’s totally a professional!

  35. I would get kicked out for 1 and 6. 1 my ocd is way too severe to leave my house unclean but I don’t care about others homes. 6 I love doing crafts and meals for those lesser holidays.

    • Here’s the thing–as long as you don’t judge my house I’m good. Also, just don’t tell my kids about the crafts. Or, even better, host my kids at YOUR house to do the crafts. Then you’re good.

  39. Can us non-moms join too? I hate cleaning and I won’t judge anybody. Unless of course you’re a total asshat that is. I’ll bring wine. Lots of wine.

  40. I’m pretty sure I meet the requirements, other than the wine… Sadly, I can only handle a small glass because of interactions with meds, but, I’d totally be happy to bring coffee or sugared drinks, cause let’s face it, I have to have something to drink to pretend I can stand the judging, snotty, stuck up moms that live around me, wearing their husbands military rank on their sleeves and telling me, for the one hundredth time, how to clean, cook, raise kids, please my husband, or get him promoted. I’d love to be a member of a group that doesn’t give a rat’s behind about any of that crap. I feed my kid, make sure he’s not naked and can’t be smelled from a mile away… I’m doing something right, aren’t I?

    • You’re doing everything right. And you don’t need to drink alcohol. Coffee, water, sugared drinks–they’re all welcome. As are you!

  42. Oh, me me me. I’m so over judgmental moms and I’m slowly backing away from all but the minimum PTO stuff. And the best I do for quasi-holidays are store bought baked goods.

    Can I play? I’ll bring the vodka….

  43. Sounds wonderful! Please may I join? I will bring wine and tea, and my blanket with sleeves that I hide under when the kids have gone to bed as it’s a bit like getting a hug. Is that ok? 😉

  44. I think I should be President of your Australian Chapter if there isn’t one already. I love wine and hate cleaning what more is there to know?!!!

  45. For my chapter, if I am granted membership, we need to add another rule. No over doing it on school breaks. If you go to Disney yearly, constantly take your kids to discovery museums, or to six flags to entertain them…you’re out. Unless you take my kids with you and don’t expect me to recipicate, then you can stay. I don’t have the money, time or energy to constantly “take” my kids somewhere for entertainment and enrichment. Go play outside and discover something on your own to entertain yourself!

  46. I need to join to keep my sanity! I seem to not be fitting in with the other moms because I’m weird. I think they are too PG 13 for me. I like to swear, I like fantasy romance novels and sci fi and fantasy TV shows, and I don’t craft. And I take pole dancing lessons.

  49. thanks so much agreed so tired of judgemental mommy Bloggers. and self righteous parental advice
    one more.
    if your kids like spinach green smoothies that’s a miracle. and anomaly. it’s not a reason to blog or give advice.
    nor is “cutting sugar out of our family’s diet ” for a year.

  51. WOW! This is just up my alley. I think I will start a Grandmother’s Club! Our first event will be a girls trip to Napa Valley. I hear you can get some great wine, cheap, there!!

  53. I NEED this club. I don’t even decorate for real holidays. In fact, our kids got tired of waiting for us to put up the crappy fake tree and they did it themselves.
    To be fair, I did set up the nativity set. And it’s still there.
    I don’t drink alcohol–it putstme to sleep and I don’t need help with that! I won’t judge those that do, though!

  54. I’m the baking mom. I can’t help it. I read and I bake. Unfortunately, it is too old fashioned. I am not gluten free, chocolate free, sugar free, or paleo. I’d love to bake for meetings. So many treats go with adult beverages!

  57. I started to feel left out and saw the PS at the end. I am all over joining up in this one! I will bring my favorite bottle of malbec and a bottle of scotch. Judgy McJudgersons and overcompetitive people I want to punch in the throat (totally stolen from jen). And you need a safe place to say 4 letter words (sometimes regarding your children or situations they create) without other parents looking at you funny.

  59. I am part of a Moms Club. We refer to our meetings as “safety meetings”, they are a monthly requirement for the saftey of all husbands and children in our community.
    Great post!

  60. Just a note to say thank you. I’m far away in South Africa and it seems judging etc is a world epidemic. Your post just gave me the lift of the month!! We have some girls struggling with things like depression, bipolar and anxiety and a club like this would be good even without the kids thrown in. Thank you

  61. Pick me, pick me, for the love of my sanity pick me. Let’s go to an adult beverage meeting and discuss the business at hand.

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