In retrospect, all the warning signs were there that Mr. Foxy never should have married me. He just didn’t heed them. Some days I question his judgment. Other days I’m just grateful that he was either blind or really horny in his early twenties.
Here’s what he overlooked:
- He witnessed me verbally assault a mutual friend who dared to eat one of my French fries at a restaurant. Our poor friend cowered in the booth as the rest of the patrons stared in wide-eyed horror.
- The first time I went to his parents’ house, his mom offered me bacon. Not cooked bacon, mind you. She had bought extra bacon at the store (it was on sale), and she offered me a package of uncooked bacon to take home. While this may seem slightly odd, the odder part of the story is that I DIDN’T TAKE THE BACON.
- Early in our dating history, I challenged him to a drinking contest. He had a good 9 inches and 75 pounds on me, but I thought this was a good idea. It turned out that it wasn’t. I lost the contest. And then lost the contents of my stomach and my dignity in the bar bathroom.
So we’ve established that I am was am was selfish, foolish, and arrogant. But he looked past those traits. Perhaps the most GLARING RED FLAG was waving the first time he made dinner for me.
At the time, I was in my early twenties and no culinary connoisseur. I was fairly adventurous though, and Mr. Foxy wanted to show me the world of sushi. He wanted to expand my horizons and open up my eyes to new cuisine. (You know he totally wanted to get lucky.)
Because he knew I had never tried sushi before, he opted to make California Rolls, the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich of the sushi world.
He went shopping at the nicest grocery store in town. He brought his own sushi rolling mat and other cooking supplies. He served me wine and put on music while he carefully made the seasoned rice and lovingly prepared all of the other ingredients.
And then he served me the most beautiful sushi I had ever seen (I had never seen sushi) and showed me how to dip and eat the pieces. I was gushing and smiling and tingling the entire time. Until I put that piece of sushi in my mouth and bit down.
I don’t know if it was the texture of the nori or the tang of the vinegar in the rice or the foreign combination of foods on my unrefined palate (I like sushi just fine now), but I couldn’t keep chewing. I bit down, and my mouth froze—as though I had bitten down on a piece of excrement. I fought back my gag reflex and tried my best to smile at this fabulous man.
“Well?” he asked expectantly. “What do you think? Do you love it?”
Here was this handsome guy in my kitchen trying so hard to impress the hell out of me, and all I could think was, “There is NO WAY IN HELL I can choke this shit down.”
So I didn’t. I bolted out of my chair, ran to my bathroom, and spit his beautiful sushi creation RIGHT INTO THE TOILET.
I unceremoniously flushed it down, rinsed out my mouth, and walked back to the kitchen.
And then he ordered a pizza and married me anyways.
Photo Credit: “California Roll” by www.bluewaikiki.com is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic layover.
27 Responses
Hahahaha…
Yeah, not so much a sushi fan, either.
He married you because you’re gorgeous and funny and hot and probably a lot of other reasons. I would probably marry you.
HAHAHA! I’d probably marry you too, Michelle. xoxo
Ha! I don’t like sushi either. I have verbally assaulted friends in public over trivial matters (nothing as serious as fry stealing though!). But I saved most of my crazy shit until he had already committed. Who has the last laugh now?
WHO INDEED. (I saved my crazy shit for later too.)
His judgement can’t be entirely at fault. he’s still with you ! ! ! ! ! !
17 years of marriage and counting… I like to think I’ve made it up to him, but it’s possible that’s not entirely true.
I feel for you. I can NOT do sushi. The texture makes my eyes roll back into my head.
I also may have once berated someone for stealing a french fry off my plate. But let’s keep that one between us.
I actually really like sushi now. I’m not going to say that he made me crappy sushi. But it’s entirely possible.
Terrific. Absolutely terrific. I laughed, I cried, I didn’t get why you wouldn’t take free bacon, but I laughed and I cried. <3 Great post!
I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T TAKE THE BACON EITHER. I weep for the lost bacon.
Free bacon AND sushi. You are the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.
I really am. And I’m fully aware of it so there’s that.
I’d have thought it more strange had you taken the free bacon from his parents, honestly. It almost seems like some sort of entrapment on the part of the mother to see if you were going to greedily take her bacon. Lol.
I don’t do sushi and I know it’s one of those things that my wife very much wishes she could change about me. But, after 18 years together, it is what it is. That you tried to hang with him in a drinking contest is also sexy, vomit or not.
I still regret not taking the bacon. Either way though, I totally won her over. (I perfected my parental unit ass kissing technique very young.)
Don, you sure your wife isn’t concerned about the Bud Light Lime too?
I think the only strange part of the bacon was that it was your first time going there when she offered it. LMAO about the sushi! He was very sweet about it!
It did seem slightly odd. But she really just wanted to share the bacon bounty. I’m still sad I didn’t take it. Mr. Foxy was pretty amazing about the whole spitting-into-the-toilet incident.
Wow and to think my husband’s grandmother just gifted me underwear…I would have rather had the bacon.
Yeah, underwear is weird. Bacon is FANTASTIC. Why, oh why, didn’t I take it?
It’s a little weird that his mom even offered you bacon. Truly, he’s lucky that the bacon and the sushi didn’t turn YOU off. Lucky man. 😉
Well, there you go. I’m just going to keep calling HIM a lucky man. ‘Cuz I have no quirks, right? 😉
You’re BOTH lucky! Sushi rolls are only yummy to me if they have avocado or cream cheese in them. I like to fatten up to the Nth degree the least fattening meals out there. I can’t imagine you going off on someone about a french fry. There had to be deeper issues there, amiright?
I am impressed your husband made sushi. I will never love someone that much. Haha. Loved that you called California roll the PB&J of sushi. Haha. It’s so true.
My husband always says if he hadn’t been successful in getting me to try and eventually like sushi, it would’ve been a deal breaker. Sounds a little shallow to me, except if he didn’t like Guinness, we’d have a problem. 😉
Though I’m surprised about the bacon, I’m fairly certain Hubby was able to see the gem he was getting….and that he can look beyond your culinary faux pas makes me like him more. 😉
In the early days, my mother-in-law would send me home with expired food, or year old magazines. For Christmas I got a bar of unwrapped soap, which she assured me hadn’t been used. He married me anyway!
What is it with potential mother’s in law and food products? Do they keep it on hand just in case a girl come by? Will we do this to our children?
xo
WE HAD THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPEN! Except that happened to me on our first date, in public, at a sushi restaurant. And yes, he married me anyway. These men just know how to pick em’!