We women are obsessed with our lady gardens. We want everything about them to be perfect. The insides and the outsides. The hair, the skin, the age, the vitality. We spend tons of time, money, and energy to present the most spectacular love canal possible to our partners.

Depending on the vaginal beautification procedure, it can be painful, expensive, and time consuming. But still, we INTENTIONALLY put ourselves through this money-sucking torture.

Having a vagina myself, I have a few thoughts on some the most popular ways to spruce up the lady bits:

• Waxing: A process that uses HOT WAX on your nethers to RIP OUT your pubic hair BY THE FOLLICLES. I had a Brazilian wax job once (and only once). It was painful, expensive, and had the horrible side effect of making me look like a prepubescent girl.
• Vajazzling: The act of GLUEING HARD ROCKS on your tantalizing triangle. Unless you’re a Vegas Showgirl, I don’t understand why you would want to stick crystals on your snatch. Do men really like this? Personally, I wouldn’t want to be rubbing naked skin against crystals. They’re scratchy and hurty. And what happens if any come loose during sex? I don’t even want to imagine the places those crystals could travel or the damage they could do.
• Tightening creams: The idea here is to shrink the love tunnel. Sure. Shove some made-in-China chemicals up your hooha for non-scientifically-proven tightening results. That sounds like a great idea.
• Rejuvenation: I’m not talking about medically necessary surgery. I mean the elective kind—the face lift for the vulva. Frankly, unless he’s down there with a headlamp and a magnifying glass, this is unnecessary, invasive, and risky. Also, YOU MIGHT LOSE SENSATION. I’d rather feel the good stuff.

We’re over-thinking this whole vagina business, ladies.

I mean, if you’re doing it for yourself, by all means continue. But if you’re going through all of the suffering and expense for your man, just stop. Don’t even bother. Because, let’s face it—men aren’t as picky about the appearance of our hot pockets as women think they are. Men just want access to the goods. They are less interested in curb appeal and more obsessed with getting their, uhhh, foot in the door.

In short, they want a warm, wet hole. (Yes, yes, yes. They want to love you and caress you and cherish you too, but I’m talking about the vagina right now.)

With that in mind, I have come up with the following list of beauty tips for the cheap and lazy rest of us women.

• Shower regularly. A clean vagina is a happy vagina. Or something like that. Especially if you’re looking for some downtown action, a freshly cleansed and clean smelling va-jay-jay is essential. Get yourself a pulsating shower head and go to town.
• Use a marker and draw arrows pointing to the forbidden fruit. Or any other art. If he’s even looking at your stomach (he’s not), he’ll appreciate the effort (he won’t) you took to beautify your body. Although, depending on your art ability, “beautify” may be too strong a word.
• Shave something fun into your pubic hair. You’re already shaving your legs and armpits, why not get fancy with your lady bits? Create a heart, a martini glass, his initials. Get creative and have fun. (It will likely enhance your mood too.)
• Buy a pair of sexy panties—lacy, satiny, edible, spikey. Hell, I don’t know what you’re into. Just do something new and different.
• Go to bed naked. There’s nothing more beautiful than naked skin.

Or screw all of this and just tell him you want sex—RIGHT NOW. Guaranteed, he won’t hesitate to give it to you. I can count on one hand the number of times my husband said, “Nah, not tonight,” after I’ve initiated a roll in the hay. Think of all the time and money you could save!

© 2014 Kathryn Leehane, as first published on Scary Mommy.

Photo Credit: ssuaphoto / 123RF Stock Photo (That’s not me in the picture, BTW.)

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