I’m convinced the road to hell is paved with dirty laundry. Although moms have the best intentions, most of us never get all of our family’s clothes clean, folded, and put away. EVER.
Here is a more realistic view of the torture process. Just embrace it now.
- Once all of the clothes are offensive to the eyes and nose (and you’ve depleted your back-up clothing), collect all of the household laundry. Scour each bedroom, closet, and bathroom.
- Sort laundry into piles: darks, lights, whites, towels, clothing-so-grimy-it-can’t-be-washed-with-anything-else, and there’s-no-hope-just-throw-it-away. Count only two pairs of your son’s underwear. For the entire week.
- Hunt down the rest of the underwear. Check in the toy bins, between the mattresses, and under all of the furniture. You may need gloves and/or a mask.
- Find only one additional pair of underwear. Choke back the vomit and try not to think about the state of filth in your child’s pants.
- Put the highest priority clothing into the washer—this includes any school uniforms and all of the underwear. Throw in your yoga pants as insurance that this load will make it all the way through the dryer by the end of the day.
- Walk around the house without any pants on until that first load goes through the dryer. Avoid windows and exterior doors.
- Advance the wash by putting the first load into the dryer and the next highest priority load into the washer.
- Forget about laundry for the rest of day. Except to pull out your clean and dry yoga pants.
- The next day, sniff the wet clothes in the washer to determine if they sat too long. Deem them acceptable and advance the wash. Leave clean and dry clothes in a laundry basket. Forget about the laundry for the rest of the day.
- Repeat step 7 over the next couple of days, rewashing any loads that sat too long in the washer. Continue piling up clean, dry clothes in the laundry basket.
- Use the dryer an as iron for all of your husband’s work shirts. Decide nothing else needs to be “ironed.”
- Leave the rest of clean clothes in the laundry basket for a couple of days. Declare the laundry room a changing room and start getting dressed there in the morning.
- Become determined to finally fold and put away the clean clothes. Move laundry basket to the couch to accomplish this goal. Push it out of the way during your next Netflix binge.
- Get dressed in the family room for the next day or so until you discover that your son has been shoving his crusty, slimy clothes in the basket with the clean clothes.
- Dump the mostly-full laundry basket back in the laundry room, and realize that all the hampers in the house are full so you have to start the entire process over again.
- Admit the laundry actually made you its bitch.
Rinse and repeat. And repeat and repeat . . . for the rest of your life. Or until your children are old enough to do the laundry themselves.
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