I promise I know how to behave properly in public. I can keep my voice down. I practice good manners. I follow my own rules of swearing. I’ll only wrestle with you if I really love you.
But, dammit, if you put a fish head on my plate, I’m going to play with it. I can’t just eat around it like a civilized person and leave it alone. In true Foxy fashion, I’m going to turn it into dinner and a show.
I’m going to kiss it and name it Nemo.
I’m going to have existential conversations with it.
Me: Don’t despair, Nemo. You could have been a giant talking cockroach shunned by society. At least I love you.
Nemo: …
And make bad puns with it.
Me: I swear I’m not angry with you, Nemo. I didn’t call for your head on a platter.
Nemo: …
I’m going to make it sing, “Fish Heads.” (Sadly no video was captured of that moment.)
And I’m going to make it smoke a French fry and wear a crown made of its own tail.
Because it’s a FISH HEAD ON MY PLATE.
In related news, I’m also doing inappropriate things around the Internet this week:
- Admitting that wine and my vibrator are the only things that “spark joy.”
- Making everyday chores sound dirty.
- Eschewing my Back-to-School lists in favor of celebratory mimosas.
Read those essays if you haven’t already. And then chime in. What’s the most inappropriate thing you’ve done lately?
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“Lately” I have been eating/drinking too much, oh and not exercising a lick. It’s been very inappropriate behavior as many of my clothes no longer fit. I still haven’t succumbed to buying the next size up. I’ve convinced myself I’m going to fix this behavior. Yeah maybe after I eat the rest of this pizza and finish that bottle of wine. After all, it is inappropriate to waste these things, no?
Are you me?
I thought she was talking about me. Although I finally relented and bought a new pair of jeans in the right size. JUST ONE.
The picture of you kissing the fish head is the best thing I’ve seen all week.
That’s the best thing anyone has said to me all week. xoxo
Pretty much everything I do is inappropriate on some level. However, my confession of the week is that I yelled f@&! No at my 12 year old son while we were playing poker at the kitchen table. Or is that two things?
Definitely two. But I’ve done both as well. 😉
I also cannot resist, when served cornish game hen, squab, or any other small bird, the urge to plug the fork into its back, stand it up and make it do a can-can… if others at the table also have little birds (especially my sisters) we organize a kick-line…
Of course you have to chicken-squawk the appropriate soundtrack (can-can music or “New York, New York”, as needed). Good times!
We really need to go out to eat together.
I’d be even more impressed by your inappropriateness if you’d french kissed it, but this is pretty awesome. The ketchup on the tip of the fry is the perfect touch. All you’d have to do next is put your masterpiece on a turtle’s back and send it into the kitchen to threaten the chefs.
The last inappropriate thing I did was draw a mustache, horns and a tail on a picture of Kim Davis, and then put it on the fridge. My kids took it down, though, because they didn’t want their friends to see it. I may just put it back up on Monday when they’re at school.
I tried to french kiss it–that just didn’t make it on film. Probably better that way.
And you definitely need to put that back on the fridge.
Eating the head of the fish has always been a Rosh Hashanah tradition I have declined from partaking in.
You’re brave.
Well… I didn’t actually eat it. I just kissed it. I think you and I can decline that one together.