Any way you slice it, motherhood is hard work. In fact, it’s the likely the toughest job you’ll ever have. Fortunately, being a mom also provides you with one giant perk: the ability to get out of doing things that you don’t want to do and going places you don’t want to go. (Not that I’ve ever used any of these excuses myself – if you have heard me use any of these, it was because it was the honest-to-goodness truth. I swear.)
Whether you have social anxiety or just don’t want to attend another gender reveal party, every phase of motherhood can help you out.
Pregnancy provides a variety of perfect excuses to skip that social event:
- “I am soooooo constipated. The annual family picnic sounds like a really bad idea right now.”
- “My ankles are really swollen. My doctor told me to keep my feet up. I can’t do that at the park.”
- “I’ve got a raging yeast infection. With all of the stuff oozing from my vagina, I have to keep changing my pad. That doesn’t go over well at Jamberry nail parties.”
- “I’m super gassy. I can’t possibly bring this smell to your mother’s house, dear.”
When you have babies and young kids, your ability to get out of any situation increases exponentially:
- “You know the warning your doctor told you about fecal incontinence after the baby? IT’S TRUE. I’m not going anywhere for awhile.”
- “My nipples are raw and cracked from breastfeeding. I need to stay home and be topless. Definitely not appropriate for your hamster’s funeral.”
- “We’re potty training right now, and we’ve had lots of accidents. That would bring all new meaning to your housewarming party.”
- “The baby is teething, and he’s crying non-stop. That’d be a mood killer at your dog’s puppy shower.”
Got older kids? No problem. You still have plenty of alibis.
- “I’ll have to miss your niece’s 5-hour dance recital. I need to bake ten dozen cookies for school.”
- “I have to help my child with math. Have you see this common core bullshit? It’s gonna take all night so I’ll need to skip the HOA meeting.”
- “Sorry, I can’t go to your jewelry party. We’ve got a school thing that night.”
- “Oh man, the kid has that mysterious fever again. I can’t leave him alone right now. Not even for your mascara party.”
Here are some stories that work no matter how old your kids are:
- “I’ve got a giant cyst on my labia, and it hurts to walk right now – let alone put on a swimsuit at the community pool. I’m sorry I won’t be there for your kid’s first birthday party.”
- “I’ve got my period right now. OH THE CRAMPS. My constant moaning would seem inappropriate at your Passion Party.”
- “I couldn’t find my tampon string in the shower; I need to call the doctor. Passing out from Toxic Shock would probably put a damper on your tea party.”
- “My hemorrhoids are so bad right now; I need to do sitz baths every couple of hours. So sorry to miss your child’s spelling bee.”
And my favorite fallback to get out of anything, anytime:
- “What invitation? It must have ended up in my spam folder.”
What’s the best excuse you’ve ever used?
© 2014 Kathryn Leehane, as first published on Scary Mommy.
P.S. Dads? You can use some of these too. But I don’t recommend using tampons. Ever.
Photo Credit: stylephotographs / 123RF Stock Photo (because OBVIOUSLY that’s not me)