I’ve been in a bit of a haze lately. But not so hazy that I don’t keep the nethers tidy. Because pubic hair and panty liner adhesive are not friends. Now, I’m not talking over-the-top-whacko tidy. And certainly not tidy by way of torture waxing. But tidy nonetheless.
So I grabbed Mr. Foxy’s beard trimmer. I’ve done this before. I’m a professional.
I adjusted the settings on the trimmer, removed the plastic cover, and went to (down) town. Starting on the undercarriage (the area you can’t see without a hand mirror or an advanced yoga pose), I proceeded to hack at the forest. Short and curlies flew in all directions.
Huh. That doesn’t usually happen.
Still in a fog, I figured I’d just vacuum up the crotch clippings later and kept on plowing. Then, I felt a little pinch.
What the heck is going on? That doesn’t usually happen either.
But I kept heading north through the muff scruff. Up. Down. Side to side. Then I felt a much bigger pinch.
MOTHERFUCKER.
I looked at the razor. There was a little bit of blood on it. A little bit of skin. And a whole lotta hair.
What the fu—
And then I looked down at my mons pubis.
DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Like a drunken gardener, I hadn’t just trimmed the hedges, I’d destroyed the lady landscape. I’d tortured the tantalizing triangle. I’d hacked the lady bits, well, to bits.
Patches of skin and hair (and a little blood) screamed at me. “DUMB-ASS!”
I inspected the beard trimmer and then smacked myself in the head. Apparently, I hadn’t removed the cover of the trimmer—I’d removed the entire comb attachment. I was getting direct blade-on-skin action and shaving away everything.
I’d created a mostly-bald kitty. A patchy, sad, mutilated kitty.
Welp. Might as well take it all off then.
Oh, and that blood? No, it wasn’t from Bart; he’s gone now. I guess I have a little skin tag in the lady garden. Well, I had one anyhow. The razor ripped that sucker right off.
Photo Credits: moellerthomsen / 123RF Stock Photo and seniorcarlo / 123RF Stock Photo
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HAHAHAHA! Ooooooohhhhhhwwwwwwww…..That.picture!
Ashley Fuchs recently posted…10 People You’ll Meet at the Store
HAHAHAH…omg. I am not laughing at you. I am laughing WITH you.
I might be laughing with you.
Michelle recently posted…It’s Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature
OMG! I needed this laugh this morning! I’ve done something close to that so I feel your pain, girly! Egads! Wait until that bish starts growing back in and you feel like you have sand fleas in your lady bits! LOL
B
Brenda P recently posted…3 Simple Ways to Battle “The Bulge” #Infographic
Yowch! You’re a brave woman. Don’t think I could bring myself to electric-shave what I can’t see. And it sounds like maybe I shouldn’t!
Cassandra recently posted…Throwdown Thursday: Make it a Walgreens Christmas
I cannot tell you how much I needed this giggle today.
Have a glass (or bottle) and pat yourself on the back, I had to explain my outburst to my co-workers.
I just showed them the picture you posted up there and left it at that
Hahahahaaaa!!!!! Omg! Bet that first pee you took afterwards was a new adventure in unexpected pain! You know, when that bloody skin tag site comes in contact with the urine stream…. Ummmm, and you have to use a warm bottle of water to keep the sting at bay… Not that I would know!
I can’t…..wow. Whatever does your grandmother think??
Liv recently posted…The Riddle at the Lake
Ow. Ow. Ow. That’s all I can say. Ow.
I don’t think I’ve ever crossed my legs this hard while reading!! That picture at the end was priceless.
Liz recently posted…Zoe vs. 7 Ways Yoda Is Like My 5-Year-Old
After reading on someone’s blog about the wonders of using Nair to keep the hedge looking neat, I gave it a go. Let me just say, don’t ever do this! I had chemical burns on places that rarely see the light of day. And for all of that, it didn’t even work that well – it seemed like hair grew back overnight. I can’t wait to read your next blog post about how you managed when the lady parts started itching like mad when you were in public. To scratch or not to scratch?
Oh holy Jesus! I had a similar Nair mishap where I burned my lady bits….there would be no foreplay for a while after that one. Never bought that product again, not because it didn’t work, because I clearly couldn’t be trusted with it.
I had to laugh because I have a skin tag in my lady parts (and one more on my upper inner thigh that might as well be in lady parts territory) that I always steer carefully around,cause I’ve cut both of them too! Never cut them off tho… you have that trophy!