Recently one of my college friends, Birdie (you know, Birdie of We-Had-Dinner-with-John-Waters fame?), came over for a visit. As we worked our way through a bottle of wine, we reminisced about old times, funny stories, and ridiculously stupid shit that we did witnessed in college.
As we were reliving the memories (and laughing so loudly my son came in to shush us), I decided these stories could serve as real-life cautionary tales for my own children. You know, for when I kick them out of the house help them transition to university life.
I’m going to entitle this learning series “Don’t Be That Guy.” Here are my first six pieces of advice:
Don’t Be That Guy
- Don’t be the guy who spends all day in his dorm room gaming. (Back in my day, games like this were called Multi-User Dungeons—MUDs. How coincidental that the living quarters of the guys who played them ALWAYS ended up looking and smelling like a swamp.) The gamer guy doesn’t go to class. He doesn’t do his laundry. He doesn’t get the girls. He basically has no life and ultimately he gets expelled from school. Don’t be that guy. Games are fun, but only in moderation. You’re at college to attend classes, so DO THAT. And spray some Febreeze around every once in a while.
- Don’t be the guy who tries to give himself a tattoo using an X-Acto knife and India ink. The guy who gets about a quarter of the way through the mutilation before realizing it’s too painful and is probably going to look ridiculous. (You just know that in twenty-five years, he will still have a regrettable constellation of blue dots on his arm.) Don’t be that guy. I highly recommend you wait until you know yourself a little better before you do any permanent body modification.
- Don’t be the guy who throws “Drunk Fish” parties, filling a water cooler with Kamikazes and putting a bucket of feeder fish beside it. The point of the game? Putting a fish in someone’s shot and then getting that person to down them both. Don’t be that guy. You don’t even like sushi. Respect the fish. Respect life. Respect yourself. Respect everyone, please.
- Don’t be the guy who consumes so much alcohol and candy he makes himself sick to the point of puking up a pool of “blood” all over the floor—“blood” that upon closer inspection turns out to be a gross mélange of red vines and vodka. Seriously. DON’T BE THAT GUY. You can drink, just don’t drink that much. It’s dangerous, and you can end up in the ER having to call your parents because you don’t know how your own medical insurance works.
- Don’t be the guy who adds vegetables to the sex equation. The guy who ends up having to take his girlfriend to the emergency room with a carrot stuck inside of her and trying to explain the hows/whats/whys to the doctor on call (even though YOU KNOW the doctor already knows.) Don’t be that guy. Sex between two consenting adults (you’re an adult now, remember?) can be fun and rewarding. But practice safe sex always. Use a condom, not a cucumber.
- Don’t be the guy who gets kicked out of school for sending creepy, stalker-ish emails to other students. You know the guy—the one who skulks around campus hoping to make a connection, except for the fact that he never actually talks to anyone. Don’t be that guy. If you meet someone you want to talk to, do it in-person or send a friendly inquiry. ONE friendly inquiry. Don’t set yourself up for a restraining order. And if you have weird things to say? For God’s sake, just start a blog.
I’ll definitely have more since we did a lot of stupid shit I’m going to visit Birdie again soon.
Photo Credit: “Day 70 Alternate/Outtake” by lintmachine is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic overlay.
18 Responses
Omg. #5. I just can’t.
I didn’t believe the guy when I first heard him recount the story.
My sister’s part time college job was at UCLA med center admissions… #5 TOTALLY exists and in more numbers than you’d care to know about. However, he is usually solo in the ER, playing his own personal game of Farmer in the Dell. 😉
And for the girls…Don’t be that girl who ends up with that guy. lol
Indeed. Although one of those *might* have been Mr. Foxy.
Yeah… my hubby (or maybe it was me) *might* have been #4. But that’s it’s own general ed course, it’s called learning your limits. And BTW, far less pathetic in college than say, oh a company holiday party? THAT guy, steer clear!!!
lol I am so glad that Australia doesn’t have university like this…. At least I don’t think we do.
Oh. You do. 😉
Hahahaha!
‘…if you have weird shit to say, for God’s sake just start a blog.’ <—Me
Also, in defence of the gaming guys, I did lots of gaming, but I turned out alright. Eventually. After two failed relationships and going back to university at age 28.
Ok yeah, that's a shit defence, everybody heed Foxy's advice!!
Gaming in an of itself isn’t so bad. (Mr. Foxy does that.) But becoming “Gamer Guy” is really bad.
I love the Condom/Cumber analogy. Oh the joys of being young and dumb. That is one way NOT to make your parents proud! :-()
Precisely. That will be the theme of this instruction sheet for my kids. 😉
Wait, what about ‘That guy’ that passes out so early his face becomes a poster board for offensive statements and genitalia in permanent marker. I personally love this one, it’s like a neon sign ‘Don’t Date Me!’
Hahahaha!! Didn’t know they taught Gardening in college. I’d also like to add … Don’t be that guy (or girl) who bakes a shit ton of magic brownies in the dorm kitchen because YOU WILL GET EXPELLED before you even get to try one. For heaven’s sake that’s what off campus apartments are for. Ask me how I know.
and equally important, don’t be the girl that goes out with that guy.
Don’t be the guy that drinks so much he calls his girlfriend the wrong name in the shower, and she leaves him buck ass naked and soaking wet. Then when that guy goes to run after her he trips on the lip of the shower and lands flat on his face because he was so drunk he failed to put his arms out to brace his fall. Finally that guy ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes – DON’T BE THAT GUY.
The fish…I’m still trying to digest that one. I mean, not literally speaking but still. My college must have been lame because this is the first time I have heard of this practice. Respect the fish people.
If this was all one guy, what a catch! Haha. I did number 4 though. Drinking red devils and sloe gin fizzes. My vomit was pink. My boyfriend, now husband, claimed it was cute, like I threw up heaven. Ah, romance. Together, that night, we were “that guy.”