Recently one of my college friends, Birdie (you know, Birdie of We-Had-Dinner-with-John-Waters fame?), came over for a visit. As we worked our way through a bottle of wine, we reminisced about old times, funny stories, and ridiculously stupid shit that we did witnessed in college.
As we were reliving the memories (and laughing so loudly my son came in to shush us), I decided these stories could serve as real-life cautionary tales for my own children. You know, for when I
kick them out of the house help them transition to university life.
I’m going to entitle this learning series “Don’t Be That Guy.” Here are my first six pieces of advice:
Don’t Be That Guy
- Don’t be the guy who spends all day in his dorm room gaming. (Back in my day, games like this were called Multi-User Dungeons—MUDs. How coincidental that the living quarters of the guys who played them ALWAYS ended up looking and smelling like a swamp.) The gamer guy doesn’t go to class. He doesn’t do his laundry. He doesn’t get the girls. He basically has no life and ultimately he gets expelled from school. Don’t be that guy. Games are fun, but only in moderation. You’re at college to attend classes, so DO THAT. And spray some Febreeze around every once in a while.
- Don’t be the guy who tries to give himself a tattoo using an X-Acto knife and India ink. The guy who gets about a quarter of the way through the mutilation before realizing it’s too painful and is probably going to look ridiculous. (You just know that in twenty-five years, he will still have a regrettable constellation of blue dots on his arm.) Don’t be that guy. I highly recommend you wait until you know yourself a little better before you do any permanent body modification.
- Don’t be the guy who throws “Drunk Fish” parties, filling a water cooler with Kamikazes and putting a bucket of feeder fish beside it. The point of the game? Putting a fish in someone’s shot and then getting that person to down them both. Don’t be that guy. You don’t even like sushi. Respect the fish. Respect life. Respect yourself. Respect everyone, please.
- Don’t be the guy who consumes so much alcohol and candy he makes himself sick to the point of puking up a pool of “blood” all over the floor—“blood” that upon closer inspection turns out to be a gross mélange of red vines and vodka. Seriously. DON’T BE THAT GUY. You can drink, just don’t drink that much. It’s dangerous, and you can end up in the ER having to call your parents because you don’t know how your own medical insurance works.
- Don’t be the guy who adds vegetables to the sex equation. The guy who ends up having to take his girlfriend to the emergency room with a carrot stuck inside of her and trying to explain the hows/whats/whys to the doctor on call (even though YOU KNOW the doctor already knows.) Don’t be that guy. Sex between two consenting adults (you’re an adult now, remember?) can be fun and rewarding. But practice safe sex always. Use a condom, not a cucumber.
- Don’t be the guy who gets kicked out of school for sending creepy, stalker-ish emails to other students. You know the guy—the one who skulks around campus hoping to make a connection, except for the fact that he never actually talks to anyone. Don’t be that guy. If you meet someone you want to talk to, do it in-person or send a friendly inquiry. ONE friendly inquiry. Don’t set yourself up for a restraining order. And if you have weird things to say? For God’s sake, just start a blog.
I’ll definitely have more since
we did a lot of stupid shit I’m going to visit Birdie again soon.