Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

  • About
  • Books
  • Events
  • Contact Me

Ideas for Taming the Tweenage Beast

By Foxy

Taming the Tweenage Beast @foxywinepocket #seventhcircleofhell #hangry

My pre-teen daughter is a fucking nightmare.

And by “fucking nightmare,” I mean she’s a perfectly-normal, emotionally-charged, almost-twelve-year-old girl. It’s just that the hormones in her body are RAGING in an epic battle for dominance, and her good-natured spirit and cheerful demeanor are currently getting slaughtered.

Fortunately for her safety and my sanity, I remember what it’s like to be her age. I remember the random screaming fits, the dramatic antics, and the internal emotional whiplash. I don’t take it personally, and, for the most part, I can approach my daughter calmly and offer appropriate advice and support:

  • “Take some deep breaths. It’s going to be okay.”
  • “Do you want to walk the dog with me and talk about it?”
  • “Can you repeat that? I’d like to blog about it.”
  • “How about you go lie down in your room? Hit a few pillows and get that frustration out.”
  • “Here. Have a cookie. It will give your mouth something else to do besides scream in my face.”

Unfortunately, the boys in this household were not prepared for the tweenage reign of terror. My son, who’s about three years younger, just stares at his sister as if he’s studying a lab specimen. Because I’m open and direct, I’ve explained to him what’s going on with my daughter, what it’s going to be like the next few years, and how we can best help her. (This may be why he’s not looking forward to 2016.)

He once made the mistake of saying something supportive during one of her internal cage matches, and she unleashed the fury of ten thousand plagues on him. Now he wisely stays out of her way and just gives me a look like, “That is a most illogical display of human behavior.”

And poor Mr. Foxy is completely out of his league. He did not experience the same demonic drama, and he was apparently (intentionally?) distracted (by teenage girls?) when his younger sister was going through puberty. So he just looks at me with helpless eyes when our daughter is having one of her meltdowns.

We’ve discovered that he’s better at discussing difficult things with her when she’s calm, and I’m better at handing the meltdowns. Our real challenge, however, comes in the mornings. We never know who’s going to wake up: our sweet daughter or Regan from The Exorcist.

Because my husband has been assaulted by her fury and vitriol one too many times, he asks me to wake up our daughter if she doesn’t do so on her own. (Don’t vilify him—he does shit I don’t want to do all the time. Like removing hair from sink drains. And handling raw meat. [That’s not a penis joke.] I find raw meat incredibly disgusting. In fact, I just threw up a little.)

Anyhow, on those mornings, I carefully go to her room, knock softly on the door, and attempt to wake her up calmly and lovingly. I remind myself: “Stay cool. Don’t lose your shit. Watch out for flying projectiles. And don’t look directly in her eyes.”

Some days, we do just fine. Other days, the Hormones of Hell take control. She screams at the world, “WHAAAAAAAAAAT TIIIIME IIIIIIIIS IIIIIIIIIIT?! OHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO!!” and other things I can’t repeat (I know, RIGHT?!). Then she hurls clothes and random objects around the room and stomps to the bathroom. And throws me looks that rival Chucky from Childs Play. Before slamming the bathroom door with enough force to hack off a zombie’s arm.

I’m lucky if I make it out of her room without turning into stone.

The whole situation reminds me of when she was two, and we encountered one of our first real parenting challenges. (She was an easy baby, but we didn’t know it because she was our firstborn.) After sleeping twelve hours straight (don’t hate me), she would wake up having turned into a screaming, nonsensical mini-monster—a dramatic change from her normal sweet, easy-going self.

At first we wondered if we’d hit the terrible twos and were just fucked for the next year or so. But after enduring this torment for a couple of weeks, we noticed that the blood-thirsty demon disappeared after breakfast, and we finally figured out that she was just really fucking hungry when she woke up.

Clever parents that we were, we discovered that if we left some milk and snacks in her room before she woke up, she could consume these before she found us, and we would never need to face that little barbarian again. We referred to this chore as “feeding the beast.” (“Hey, did you feed the beast yet?” “Foxy, it’s almost 7:00—you had better feed the beast before she wakes up!”)

Because that brilliant technique worked so well in dealing with the terrifying two-year-old and because there are a lot of similarities between toddlers and tweenagers, Mr. Foxy and I are brainstorming on how to incorporate this strategy into our current morning routine. Here are some of our ideas:

  • Put a dorm fridge in her room and keep it stocked with food and beverages. (And let the dog in her room to clean up the crumbs.)
  • Remotely turn on her favorite music to wake her.
  • Get one of those automatic food dispensers and fill it with her favorite snack: Doritos. (Again, the dog-vacuum is instrumental.)
  • Have her best friend text her repeatedly when it’s time to get up.
  • Install a timed, remote-controlled bank vault over her door that can only be opened when her blood pressure is below a certain threshold.
  • Bribe her with cold, hard cash. Or something shiny (like a real phone instead of an iPod touch).

Obviously, most of these ideas will result in a visit from Child Protective Services or a very spoiled, entitled brat. So I’ll just keep wearing my emotional armor and persevere through this phase.

And maybe record one of her meltdowns to show her future husband.

Photo Credit: “Orcus, former prince of demons” by Benny Mazur is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Cropped and added title graphic overlay.


Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Filed Under: Parenting?

Comments

  1. Donna Metherall says

    October 7, 2014 at 5:03 am

    OMG I remember these days with my girl!!! It gets better (Not!)

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:19 am

      I’ll stock up on wine.

  2. Vicki Lesage says

    October 7, 2014 at 5:13 am

    I know exactly what you mean because I totally WAS this girl. At least I have 11 1/2 years before I have to deal with it with my own daughter…

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:20 am

      Stock up on wine now. (I wish someone had told me that sooner.)

  3. Teri says

    October 7, 2014 at 5:20 am

    I feel you, as I have 2 teen beasts. My oldest is awful to EVERYONE in the house, my youngest is only awful to her dad. Her dad is ALWAYS on the receiving end of the wrath of 15. Her dad is the most patient man in the world.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:20 am

      I was going to make a crack about how he had to be patient if he married you. But I like you too much.

  4. Hugh says

    October 7, 2014 at 5:41 am

    I was blessed to never have had the tween / teen demon daughter. How I managed to dodge that bullet is still a mystery to me. :-/

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:21 am

      That sounds like a miracle, really. 😉

      • Hugh says

        October 11, 2014 at 11:50 am

        A miracle may have happened….but my forehead is really sore from facepalming the things she says and does. I am blessed regardless

  5. Shannon says

    October 7, 2014 at 5:47 am

    I have 2 beasts. 12 and 13. They share a room. I wonder what I did in a previous life to deserve this?? The alarm goes off and hell breaks loose. I should send my neighbors earplugs and wine. And then pay to join them.
    At this point I think college will be my only reprieve. Only 5 years to go. Lord help us all.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:21 am

      Did you make one of those paper chains to count down until college? That and wine might help. 😉

  6. Cassandra says

    October 7, 2014 at 6:38 am

    My daughter (19 now) never went through that stage (thank goodness), but I vividly remember MY parents fighting over who had to get me up. At some point my mother just up and quit the job. My dad would come in and sing at me in the morning and I would throw pillows at him. He would then retreat and I wouldn’t see either of them until I’d had breakfast. So, maybe they were using one of your strategies.

    My 11 year old son hasn’t started going through the joys of puberty, but boys are better with all that, aren’t they?

    • Hugh says

      October 7, 2014 at 6:51 pm

      Boys and puberty….ah yes I remember it well. The wet dreams with the wet spot on the sheets( this is why most husbands won’t sleep in the wet spot)….porn stashed between the mattresses ( if he starts making his own bed this is your clue). Oh and the best part….the crusty crumbled up towel in the corner. This coming from a father who has 2 boys and was also a boy himself.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:35 am

      I’m hoping boys are better because I’ve got my hands full with the girl.

  7. Sarah (est. 1975) says

    October 7, 2014 at 6:47 am

    I am silently thanking all the Gods that be that I have a boy.

    Of course, I have a boy who screams “I HATE LIIIIIIGHT” when I wake him up to go to school, but a boy nonetheless.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:38 am

      Boys are easier as tweens. Boys are easier as tweens. Boys are easier as tweens. If I say enough times, it will come true.

  8. ACParent says

    October 7, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Oh no! I have a 7.5 year old girl who has these moments when she doesn’t get enough sleep or when we tell her no or when we don’t make what she wants for dinner. I thought it was only going to get better! I heard this is normal for 7 or 8 as their bodies begin the process of growing up and preparing for puberty, etc. This makes me terrified of the next few years. And the 5y-o boy is already super intense, so I have no idea what the teenage years will bring.

    At least Foxy will be here to teach us what she learned.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:40 am

      HAHAHAHA! Yes, because I’m clearly an authority on the subject. *adds note about not taking any parenting advice seriously to disclaimer page*

  9. Kristine says

    October 7, 2014 at 7:19 am

    My beast only just turned 13. She is still sweet and lovely to me but my husband has to tell me what he wants to say to her and I have to find ‘the right moment’. Good times!

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:40 am

      Sounds like you two have a good system worked out though. That’s half the battle. Maybe more than half

  10. Liv BySurprise says

    October 7, 2014 at 7:45 am

    Wow. I figure I’ve got about four years left before that starts happening. The only saving grace will be that her father will have absolutely no idea how to deal with it – so I can enjoy watching that happen.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:43 am

      I’ve heard scattered lies, errr, reports that some girls avoid this. Maybe that will happen with you too.

  11. Margot says

    October 7, 2014 at 8:18 am

    My daughter is 15 and it ain’t been pretty for a while now. Yesterday she threatened to punch her dad in the throat because he was singing instructions to her. She was serious. They were in the car at the time, so he pulled over and made her get out and told her he couldn’t drive with someone so menacing in the car. When I asked her about it later she said “You know how much I hate it when you and Dad sing instead of talk!” (Duh! As if her threat of violence was justified).

    Great post, Foxy! My two favorite ideas of yours and Mr. Foxy’s are using a friend of hers as an alarm clock, and buying her a real phone. If she can complain to her friends about how idiotic her parents are she’ll be less likely to take it out of you so much.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Wow. Good for your husband for making her get out of the car. I’ll have to remember that one. And you make a very compelling argument for the phone.

  12. Sophia says

    October 7, 2014 at 8:29 am

    I would never allow for my daughter to treat anyone like this, especially us as her parents. It is about respect and she needs to learn how to control herself. So far so good

    • Peter says

      October 7, 2014 at 6:39 pm

      the only way I see this scenario happening is if I kill my daughter’s spirit. I’ll take the screaming demon over a stepford child any day.

    • qwertygirl says

      October 7, 2014 at 8:29 pm

      And she would be…four? I can’t imagine you’re going to be able to exert that kind of control over a child unless, as Peter suggests, you’ve found a way to Stepfordize her.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:48 am

      The screaming demon is a pretty normal state for a tween. I believe that it’s healthy to unleash her emotions. And my job to help her find healthy ways to do that.

  13. Chris Dean says

    October 7, 2014 at 8:35 am

    Just YES! I remember when The Girl hit this phase. I could deal with the screaming and slamming. It was the emotional crying jags that I wanted to run from.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:48 am

      You’ve given me hope that I will make it through to the other side.

  14. WriterMom Angela says

    October 7, 2014 at 8:42 am

    During my daughter’s epic pre-teen hormonal meltdowns she was also suffering from daily migraines (a headache that lasted 3 years!) so yeah it was a NIGHTMARE but now we’ve survived and she seems so much lighter without the headache. Now, that’s not to say that she sometimes isn’t a bitch just because she can be one and I feel the need to remind her who the queen bitch of this house is!

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:50 am

      LOL! The Queen Bitch is making me laugh. And I’m glad to hear she’s made it through to the other side. I can’t imagine throwing headaches into the mix.

  15. Kristina Walters @ Kris On Fitness says

    October 7, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Boy, I am kind of glad I have boys. We have two boys and when they get hormonal they usually just stay in their rooms and listen to music.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:50 am

      Music is good for taming the savage beast. She listens to a lot of it in the afternoons.

  16. The one mom who wears the pants says

    October 7, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Good Lord thank you for letting me get through that stage. I believe God only gives you what you can handle. I have only one child- a girl now 22 years old . But there were MANY times I thought he overconfident in me. I refused the morning monster wake up call. Replacing that with an air horn from the opposite end of the house. I believe they were equally ear shattering. The constant tantrums I’m sure the neighbor heard a half mile away during the cold winter months.
    I now know how she works with huge bulls everyday. She may weigh a hundred pounds but she’s got gonads bigger than them. I’m sure they cowards to her.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:51 am

      *adds “blast air horn” to the list of ideas for dealing with the beast* Thank you!

  17. Arlene Geerlinks says

    October 7, 2014 at 10:40 am

    I remember those days…you’ll like her again when she’s 18 and has left for university. That’s where my daughter is now….I like her so much better…from a distance.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 11:52 am

      LOL! Fortunately she’s not always this way. But I hear it gets worse before it gets better…

  18. Liz says

    October 7, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Wuh-oh. Not looking forward to this stage. I thought she was dramatic now. Yikes. Both my sister and I were pretty low-key but my husband’s sisters were pretty wild, to hear tales. At least they had each other to attack though. Hmm, maybe I should rethink the one and done stance….

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:23 pm

      You never know, your daughter may bypass it completely. Also, she may become the Queen of England.

  19. Rochelle says

    October 7, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Wow, it’s like you live in our house. I can’t believe how terrible this time of life is…for the entire fam. I’d rather change diapers for triplets. I’m SO GLAD for this post & comments, the acknowledgement is affirming in a way that I don’t get from my real life people. We’ve been living this for a couple of years now and I’ve slipped in to the land of broken hearted & pretty much depressed. I dearly hope we get a version of our sweet girl back someday. It’s killin’ me.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      You are so not alone. This parenting shit is HARD. And your sweet girl is still there. xoxo

  20. Michelle says

    October 7, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    Oh…it will pass.

    In five years or so. hahaha.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      HAHAHAHA. *breaks down sobbing*

  21. Cheryl says

    October 7, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    OMG! I remember those days! My daughter is now 21. At least the screaming has stopped. LOL!

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:26 pm

      Well that give me hope? 😉

  22. Peter says

    October 7, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    My kids are 13 (boy), and 12 (girl). I see this from both of them. My daughter is just on the fringe of puberty, and my son is at the stage that his hormones are being carbonated by all the girls at school. I’m thinking two years of military school.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:27 pm

      “His hormones are being carbonated by all of the girls at school.” That’s brilliance.

  23. qwertygirl says

    October 7, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    My eleven year old son has started some of this–mostly meltdowns because he can’t have a fucking computer turn (Dear Minecraft–I hate you–love, me). My seven year old daughter already does some of this. Piss her off (and there’s no real way to tell what will piss her off) and she stomps off and goes and hides under a blanket in her room. She hasn’t started screaming yet. Yet. *sigh*

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:27 pm

      I guess we’ll just have to write about it in order to survive.

  24. janice says

    October 7, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    “And maybe record one of her meltdowns to show her future husband.”

    HAHAHA. Does your daughter read your blog?

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:28 pm

      Not yet. But she knows about it and what I write about. I told her it’s an “adult” blog. She’s buying that. For now.

  25. The Shitastrophy says

    October 8, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Don’t make eye contact, slide the plate over to her, and walk away – this is the move we do with our son.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      I need to cut a small opening at the bottom of her door so I can slide the food under.

  26. Jana says

    October 8, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    Feeding the beast was a brilliant strategy. If you don’t mind, I’ll pass along the suggestion for my kid to try with my grand-daughter.

    • Foxy says

      October 11, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      Please do. We need to save moms and dads all over the world. 😉

  27. Don says

    October 11, 2014 at 9:58 am

    My daughter is 11 and is starting to show just a little bit of what’s to come. She’s still generally a super sweet girl, but i think it’s coming, hard and fast. That’s also not a penis joke. Lol.

  28. Marta says

    October 11, 2014 at 10:14 am

    As a recently retired middle school teacher – just a reminder that booze and wine are perfectly acceptable teacher gifts. (I had one student who sat through about 30% of my classes with tears running down her face. When asked she’d always say nothing was wrong. Her mom confirmed that dad wasn’t allowed to speak to her at the dinner table without her having a tantrum. Most of my students were either randy -think dry humping in the halls- or Bitches with a capital B.) Good times.

  29. Drama Queen's Momma says

    October 12, 2014 at 7:48 am

    ha! I don’t know HOW I missed this post before! I can REALLY relate. I have an 11 yo daughter too. And the mood swings. ugh. And lucky for me, she is only the FIRST of 3 girls. Yay! And my 9 yo is already entering the mood-swing phase! I love my life. (<–that comment CAN be taken as "Send me wine." Stat! Lots and lots of it….)

  30. Real Life Parenting says

    October 12, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    The tweenage beast is like no other. At least you have a few strategies.

    (I promise not to call CPS.)

  31. Hugh says

    October 12, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    You could always ask Mr.Foxy to build a (meltdown) guest house at the back of you property. Slingshot meals to her and never have to make eye contact or personal contact for at least 6 years.

  32. Kim says

    October 13, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Ha. I have 7 kids. Age 27 down to 8. Four boys, three girls. Three of the boys are 17 and older…one is 13. Oh. My. God. The boys have all been the hormonal,nightmares. People tell me how awful girls are but my 27 and 23 year old girls took puberty really well, aside from thinking they were going to die when The Flood came every month. My boys were the raging hormonal messes on top of having the guy issues, too. It was not pretty and I am still in the middle of it with the youngest boy. It’s only by the grace of God that they still walk the earth. I think we have gender reversal going on around here, their dad is way more hormonal than I am, too. But I have a feeling that my 8 year old daughter is going to teach me just how bad a teenage girl can be. She came out screaming and having meltdowns and hasn’t let up yet. I should have bought a winery years ago.

  33. Kylie says

    October 24, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Single mom. 10 year old female spawn of Satan. At least twice a week we leave the house in tears. (Yes, both of us.) She unleashed her mighty wrath on the dog last week because somehow having to get up and go to school was the dog’s fault. My fridge stays stocked with wine and I may or may not have an emergency bottle of vodka in my freezer. Cheers to the teenage years!

  34. Kristen Kelly says

    March 3, 2015 at 1:44 pm

    Holy Hell! You are talking about my 10yr old daughter!!!! She’s 10!!! Shouldn’t I have a few more peaceful years!? I’m not really sure how my liver is going to make it through puberty! And then go through it again with my youngest.

Trackbacks

  1. WTF Does WTF Really Mean? - Foxy Wine PocketFoxy Wine Pocket says:
    October 9, 2014 at 4:01 am

    […] Clearly my son thinks that teenagers are the root of all evil in this world. I think it might have something to do with his sister’s impending teenage status. […]

  2. 15 Bitter Truths About Mothering a Tween Girl | Foxy Wine Pocket says:
    August 4, 2015 at 4:01 am

    […] You never know who is going to wake up in the morning: your sweet, darling daughter or a savage beast. […]

Follow Me!

  • 
  • 
  • 
  • 

Subscribe via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket and receive new posts by email—tiny presents delivered straight to your Inbox.

Best of Foxy Wine Pocket

  • My First (and Last) Brazilian
  • The Pooping Tree
  • What Women Think About Blowjobs
  • Why I Should (Not?) Teach Sex Ed
  • Motherhood Is Disgusting
  • Rules of Swearing for My Children

Search for Previous Posts

Recent Posts

  • Bless the Baby, but Fuck All the Fluids
  • Beware of Killer Tampons
  • The Perfect Wife
  • I Do NOT Recommend This Diet Plan
  • How Do You Make a Clown Nativity Set Even More Awesome?

Archives

Copyright © 2022 · Foxy Wine Pocket · All rights reserved · Privacy Policy

Tweet
Close

Buy me a drink?

A ridiculous amount of coffee and booze is consumed in the process of writing these stories. Add some fuel if you'd like to keep me going!

 

Subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket!

Enter your email address to subscribe to Foxy Wine Pocket and receive new posts by email—tiny presents delivered straight to your Inbox.

×