Recently, a friend of mine got sick after drinking too much alcohol during our Moms’ Night Away. She was mortified and extremely apologetic. As I held her hair back, I told her over and over not to worry about it and that the experience really just made us closer: LIKETHIS. I also told her that we’ve all been there. Whether alcohol has made you sick or has made you do something really stupid, we really have all been there. (And if you haven’t, why are you even here? No, I’m kidding. Please stay.)
Anyhow, in that spirit, I will share some of my most embarrassing stories related to alcohol.
- He Should Have Read the Warning Label: When Mr. Foxy and I were still dating, I challenged him to a drinking contest. He’s got a good 9 inches and 75 pounds on me, but 21-year-old Foxy thought this was a good idea. It turns out that it wasn’t. I lost the contest. And the contents of my stomach. (He married me anyways. Fool.)
- I Need to Learn to Keep My Mouth Shut: At my 20-year reunion (it goes without saying that I was drinking, right?), I was talking with a dear friend whom I hadn’t seen in many years. She always looks fabulous, but that night she appeared to be on the unhealthy side of skinny. Everyone was thinking it, but apparently I was the only one rude (uninhibited? drunk?) enough to say anything. At one point in our conversation, I told her that she needed to eat a sandwich. Or 5. Honestly, you can’t take me anywhere.
- Decking the Halls (and Grandma’s Toilet): About 15 years ago when the Atkins low-carb diet was all the rage, I had been furiously trying to lose weight prior to the holidays using that plan. Of course during our gathering at my Grandma’s house, I inhaled every carbohydrate available. (It doesn’t count at Christmas, right?) Also, unbeknownst to me, my sister and cousin were spiking my drinks. Needless to say, I got quite sick. Fortunately I made it to the bathroom. That time…
- Did This Carpet Come With Pink Polka Dots?: This is probably one of my finest moments. (And probably still makes Mr. Foxy fume.) It was my daughter’s 4th birthday. The grandparents were in town, and the two grandmas were tag-teaming me with”helpful” comments and unsolicited advice. In an effort to not say anything I would later regret, I took a sip of wine each time they made a
rudeunwelcome remark. It’s possible I drank close to two bottles of wine that night. (Don’t ever do that—very stupid.) I went upstairs to bed, but quickly realized I was going to be sick. I pleaded with Mr. Foxy, “Help me!” as I ran to our bathroom. I put my hand over my mouth to try and stop the inevitable projectile. (Don’t ever do that—very stupid.) Only I created a puke diffuser. Red wine vomit flew in ALL directions—on the walls, the cabinets, the counters, the bathtub, and the light beige carpet. I did this ALLLLLLL the way to the toilet. While I was puking my guts out, Mr. Foxy washed down the walls and steam-cleaned the carpets. At 2 in the morning. (Yeah, he must really love me. Fool.)
Over the past two decades, I have learned a few lessons and set a few limits. I haven’t been sick from alcohol since the Do-It-Yourself-Carpet-Decorating Incident. And I honestly try to keep my mouth shut to prevent snarky remarks from coming out. However, I did recently engage in a drunken midnight wrestling match with one of my freighbors (friends + neighbors). She kicked my ass. Repeatedly. But that was just good, clean entertainment for the rest of my freighbors so I’m going to file that one in the #winning bucket. (And never again challenge her to a rematch. Ever.)
Now it’s your turn. What’s your worst alcohol-related offense?
31 Responses
Rehearsal Dinner. Visalia. Red wine, long island iced teas, and chocolate chip muffin from Costco. And a very very large tip for the hotel maid service. 😮
Don’t you just love weddings and wedding-related parties? Good job on the large tip.
Okay so I’m not proud of this, but since you shared, I’ll share. One night this summer my friend and I escaped our homes and children for a much-needed girls’ night out. You’d think we’d be old enough to know better by now, but we mixed way too many different kinds of alcohol in our glee at being out on the town. The next morning, as soon as I sat up, I knew it was going to happen. The puking. It did, and holy hell that hangover was awful. I swear I know better than that, I really do.
Yeah, the puking is always better the night before. It lessens the hangover a bit. Or so I’ve heard. Thank you for sharing!
I’d rather not say… but there have been many, many, many. I no longer drink *blush*
Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up
I hear ya. Thanks for hosting and stopping by!
I have an alter-ego, “Misty”. She comes out whenever I have over imbibed and is responsible for some rather outrageous behavior. Some very “naughty” public displays of affection that were rather x-rated with my then boyfriend, now husband (yeah, he thought that alter ego would be around more!). Misty also made an appearance while I was visiting my husbands family (when we were engaged). We stayed up very late drinking wine at his brother and sister-in-laws house and the next day were meeting his parents for lunch. While walking in to the restaurant I realized I really had to puke. like, rightnow. So I made a bee-line for the bathroom and my then fiancé had to explain I’d had a lot of water that morning and really had to pee. It was an awesome lunch. I was green.
I have a feeling Misty and I would get along just fine. 😉
My worst alcohol related offense? My entire second marriage.
BOOM. I can’t top that.
Grandma died. Hubs and I went out to drown our sorrow…..mission accomplished. The very large viewing and funeral was the next day. It was an hour away. I puked the entire way out the car window, and decorated the funeral home ladies room with alcohol barf…..I’m so proud….
Recently married, having never lived together, husband chose ‘my side of the bed’. Dutiful wife, I went to the other side. Insert too much alcohol and I had to hurl. I was used to leaning right out of the bed if something was amuck. I leaned right. Let go of the offending particles right on top of my new husband. True love.
hahahaaa oh NO! That is equally hilarious and horrific… I hope no Stand By Me barf-o-rama ensued? lol
Also, did he then let you return to ‘your’ side of the bed, for his own good? 🙂
This story makes me equal parts glad I don’t drink and sad that I’m missing any stories like this.
Puke diffuser is the best part.
Beer fueled drunken brawl where i took on 3 other guys over a girl…(chivalry is not dead, just ass-kicked)…i got a free ride in an ambulance although somehow I managed to lose the fight…hmmm…damn beer should be labeled more clearly…by the way this was over 24 years ago…scar over my forehead is a reminder that adds to my rugged good looks *cough, ahem*…of course if i had an eye patch it would be perfect….
Halloween………super drunk…………. house across the street had a better pumpkin than us so I ran over and pumpkin-napped it for us! (Looked better on our porch anyways……..I think…..)
My sons 21st birthday….ugh!!! I was well one my way to drunk since we drank almost 3 gallons of sangria while setting up for the party!! Of course all of his friends walked in with bottles asking me to do shots with them….how could I refuse….after all they were just kids! Anyway lets just say after several shots, beer bongs and beer pong I was wrapped around the porcelain God. But hey it might not of been my birthday but it was the anniversary of one of my birth days….so I was good with that!!!
I am a 33 year old mother of a toddler and an infant. Please, please, please share this post with your friend. It will make her feel better. 🙂
I love your blog and post. Cheers!
https://whitneyeellison.wordpress.com/2014/12/29/mother-of-the-year/
Where’s the 7-4-1 night the NIGHT before graduation incident? Picture this: Birdie and Foxy drinking and drinking and drinking. We stand on tables to sing “New York New York” to close out the night. (That part was normal. And tradition. And wasn’t annoying to any other patrons.)
I walked (stumbled) home and kept falling into the sharp white rocks path that my apartment “landscaped” with. My knees and hands were scraped.
I forgot my family was staying with me. In my studio.
I passed out. What felt like two seconds later it was time to get up. My eyes didn’t fully open.
Then Foxy and I stood in line on the hottest day ever in Davis (it’s 80 degrees at 7 am) and then endured the longest college graduation ever. And then the longest joint family lunch. At Spaghetti Factory.
So interestingly- I file this story under “lessons I will teach my child”. Drink AFTER graduation. NOT BEFORE. Get manicures before. That part was smart.
It was a Halloween outing, I tried Jäger bombs for the first (and last ) time. I yelled at all the “goblins” on the haunted hayride, and then woke up with crunchy vomit hair, and the worst hangover in the history of forever. My kids LOVE this story. No, I wasn’t smart enough to be on an adults only outing..
Great timing on this post…I just had one last Saturday night. It was my first night out in forever and I got a little (well, a LOT) carried away. I really didn’t drink that much but combined with not eating all day AND getting up at 5 am for my son’s sports, it wasn’t pretty. I felt way better than I had a right to Sunday morning!
LMAO!!! I had a few too many too many times to count but the one that REALLY sticks out was a few years ago one of my friends threw a Divorce party and, as a good friend, went there to support her. I was drinking beer most of the night when my all time favorite, Jack Daniels, was brought out. I challenged her 20 something cousin into drinking Jack with me. He didn’t want to so all the while I was shooting Jack and calling him a pussy for not doing it with me. Did I mention I was in my late 30’s at the time, I know, real mature. Well needless to say when I got home things went from bad to worse and of course I got violently ill. Tip #1 never try to puke in the toilet drunk like that with the lights off. The next morning I woke in horror to see the incredible mess that I had left. Funny thing….I still shoot Jack!
I was 18 and celebrating my boyfriend’s (now husband) 21st birthday. In front of all his friends I drunkenly announce that we had sex 8 times that day. (Now you know why he married me, sucker!) He was embarrassed and the only sober one at his 21st birthday. We are still together though, 19 yrs and 4 kids later.
I was 22 and living abroad in Moscow as a student back in the 90’s. I was a complete novice drinker; I was always the designated driver for my friends. Anyway, a bunch of us American students were THRILLED when a Mexican restaurant opened up in Moscow. Just to remind you, this is RUSSIA people. In my happiness at eating halfway decent Mexican food, I decided to celebrate with alcohol. I had my first Long Island Iced Tea. I had a Margarita. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to mix different kinds of alcohol. I wanted to try it all! For dessert, I had after-dinner coffee with Kahlua (just remembering this makes me nauseous). You know what happens next. I was staying in the shittiest dorm room ever with four other girls and I had to barf in front of all of them in the worst toilet in the world. Seriously. Russian toilets are bad. They don’t usually have that pool of water at the bottom which helps to absorb odors. A Port-O-Potty at major sporting event would have been a preferable location to puke my guts up. Ask me if I’ve ever drank Kahlua again. Uh, that would be HELL no. Yeah, good times, good times…
Much needed girls night out (3 kids in 3 years, so yeah). Drank lots of different things. My friends were ready to leave, I wasn’t. Threw one of my shoes on the karaoke stage. They dragged me out with everyone watching. Puked in friends car, fell out of said car into a puddle of puke I had left. Cops came to my friend in her bra trying to clean me with her shirt. They were nice, I got to leave and go home with my friend. I repayed her by puking all up her front walk, on her, and in her tub twice. Note: 7 hurricanes here in Texas is equal to 35 shots. Lesson learned. Never been that drunk again. And my friend is (who knows why) still my best friend.
So I was 20 something, it was my birthday, and I was alone. I was a bartender and my shift had just ended. Unbeknownst to me I had an admirer and my best friend at the time had told him that she would buy all his drinks for the night if he would take me home and show me a good tome. We both got trashed and ended up in bed together. The next morning was awkward with a side of me vomiting everywhere. Mortified. We married about 9 years later, it lasted a few months. I’m no longer with him nor friends with her. Lol
I rarely drink – possibly due to my Mormon heritage, I get a sick headache AS I drink! So I can never do more than one or two drinks and I have never been able to get drunk! I think the last drink I had was with you guys at BlogHer – but that’s just because y’all were such a bad influence on me.
Embarrassed to say that is was very recent, I’m 40, married and I got my freak on (but didn’t have sex, thank God) with a male friend who got drunk with me. We had a great time, but now I can’t look him in the eye.
Wow, I have so many. But the one that always springs to mind first is the time I threw up on my drummer’s wife. I’ll bet she’ll never forget it either. But listen, when you’re lying face down on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet, somebody’s bound to come in, almost trip on you and end up losing the race to the bowl, misdirecting the…um…flow.
Massive hangover one morning at church. Thought I could surreptitiously duck into the main bathroom before the service and throw up. In the ladies bathroom there was a big crowd of ladies catching up. It was a regular Merry Methodist Meeting. I said a few polite hellos, answered a question about the Sunday School curriculum, and made my way to a stall.
It’s extremely hard to sound like you’re doing anything else when you’re puking.
I drank ALL THE THINGS and then fell out of a convertible in a tex mex parking lot. I don’t remember much of it but apparently I found the entire thing hilarious and took a shower with all my clothes on whilst making weird predictions about various people in my family and our circle of friends.
A couple weeks later I had to go to the neurologist because the huge gash in my head had apparently caused retrograde amnesia and I was freaking everyone out. I enjoyed finding shopping bags full of stuff I didn’t remember buying though.
Within 6 months all my random predictions had come true– people came out of the closet, others had affairs, someone had secret money. So basically head injuries make you a fortune teller. But only if you got that way by drinking your weight in liquor.