It’s possible I have a problem. Fine, I have several problems, but medication takes care of the worst of them. However, much to my husband’s dismay, I may have developed a problematic obsession with dolls and clowns. And it doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.
It’s gotten so bad, people are constantly offering me their “unwanted” dolls and clowns. In fact, the other day, my freighbor (friend + neighbor) offered me a clown, but specified that she didn’t want to see it altered or cut up or bloodied in anyway. Clearly, I had to decline her offer. I mean, I can not be shackled like that.
But for this story, let me take you back in time a bit. Remember when I obsessed over a certain fabulous doll at a silent school auction?
Actually, I really wanted all the dolls on the table, but I was having a tough time figuring out exactly how to justify the purchases to Mr. Foxy. He’s a really understanding guy, but it’s possible that sometimes I push things a little too far. This felt like one of those times.
Fortunately, when I was
drinking talking with another mom at the event, she mentioned how her daughter, Alex, wanted one of those dolls for her Halloween costume.
Alex’s plans included beheading the doll—because she only wanted the body of the doll, but not the head. (Honestly, at this point, I wondered if our children had been switched at birth.) My friend didn’t want to buy her daughter a doll to dismember (which I totally get), so I naturally decided I needed to step up to the plate. I WOULD BE A PATRON OF THE ARTS. And how could Mr. Foxy be mad that I helped fulfilled a little girl’s hopes and dreams?
So I bid on the whole lot of dolls. And hovered. And maybe got into a silent bidding war over one of them. But I “won.” OH HOW I WON. I brought my new girls home to get to work on my project. And Alex’s.
I’d initially planned to make a guillotine to behead the doll (and invite Alex and a few friends to watch), but I quickly realized it was porcelain—that wouldn’t work so well with a giant blade. Also? Maybe it would be a little dangerous and perhaps not the best example to set for the children. I’m nothing if not responsible, right?!. Right.
Anyhow, I beheaded the doll by myself by cutting off the string that attached it to the body, and then the entire body fell apart. I guess that string was connecting the head and torso and all the limbs and shit. Well, fuck. So I packed up all the body parts (minus the head—I had other plans for that) in a bag, and gave them to my son (Alex’s classmate). “Uhhh, can you tell Alex that the body parts came apart when I cut off the head, but it should be pretty easy to put them back together?”
My son stared at me blankly. “I don’t even want to know what this is about, do I?” (He learned early on not to question such things.) And because he’s the most responsible person in our family (seriously), he transferred the beheaded doll to his classmate just in time for Halloween.
BEHOLD. The beheaded doll. Oh, yes, and Alex, too.
You probably already know what happened to the head, but if you don’t, go read this post. It’s sure to fill you with, uhhh, joy? Maybe watch some puppy videos after.
Okay, but YOU. GUYS. It gets even better. You have to see the Thank You note this wonderful small human sent me:
So THAT is what you do with a headless doll, folks. Thank you Alex for perfectly illustrating the answer to the question in all of our heads.
Okay, here are answers to other random questions:
1) What do you do with a bag of clown cupcake picks your cousin brings you as a hostess gift?
Display them in your antique ashtray, of course.
2) What do you do with the horrific clown head (filled with booze, BTW) Aunt Ramona insists you take home?
You display it prominently in your living room and use it in the background of your Zoom calls.
3) Where do you stash additional doll purchases you need to hide from your partner?
In the garage, of course. In a stack of giveaway shit he’ll never see because you prepare all that stuff for donation. [Editor’s Note: This is Mr. Foxy editing this post for his beloved wife–you’re busted! Good luck finding your secret stash now! Mwahaha!]
YOU GUYS KNOW ANOTHER REALLY
FUCK-ED UP FABULOUS DOLL PROJECT IS COMING, RIGHT?!