Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

Before You Invite Me to Your House, Read This

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Wherein I explore (and possibly defile) my friend's house while looking for her hidden stash. Isn't this what everyone does? @foxywinepocket

By all outward appearances, I’m an excellent houseguest. I bring hostess gifts (usually salted chocolate caramels from Shurra’s). I’m clean and quiet. I even bring my soiled linens (as in used, not peed on or anything) to the laundry room.

But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t leave me alone in your house.

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How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

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How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

I’m not gonna lie. I was thrilled when my daughter decided to quit dance. Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely loved watching her perform. She’s a beautiful, graceful dancer. (Clearly she did not get that from me.)

But I hate the annual torture known as the dance recital. (Honestly, my colonoscopy was less unpleasant.) I could complain endlessly about those damn recitals, but because I’m a problem solver, I’ve come up with a list of ways to improve them. Check it out on Scary Mommy, and let me know if you have any more brilliant ideas.

Photo Credit: anutaray / 123RF Stock Photo


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I Didn’t Trip and Fall (This Time)

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I Didn't Trip and Fall (This Time) @foxywinepocket

If my life had a bloopers reel, it would contain hundreds (possibly thousands) of scenes of me tripping and falling on my face. In holes. On bumps. Down stairs. UP stairs. Over absolutely nothing at all.

Seriously, I trip about once a week with a spectacular fall at least monthly.

The (possibly) most cringe-worthy spill happened in college. My boyfriend and I went to a fancy restaurant, and there was a staircase leading directly into the middle of the dining room. About halfway down the stairs, my heel caught on the carpet, and I fell to my knees. Fortunately, my hand caught the railing so I was able to hoist myself back up fairly quickly (and without too many people noticing). But then I took one more step and fell AGAIN. This time I didn’t catch myself, and I slid on my knees down several stairs as the entire room of fancy diners watched. I was able to grab a hold of the railing, only my bracelet got stuck on something. It broke and flew across the room. Along with my dignity.

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I Just Want a Frakkin’ Cup of Coffee

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I Just Want a Frakking Cup of Coffee @foxywinepocket

I’m a simple girl, with simple needs. Okay, that’s total bullshit, but my caffeine needs are simple. I like coffee, and I like a lot of it.

I’m incredibly spoiled because Mr. Foxy makes a pot of magic brew every morning, which is a good thing because when left to my own devices, shit like this happens.

Recently I had coffee with my friend Andy from Almost Coherent Parent. He’s also a writer. Only he’s a much better one than I am. And he’s super smart. (But somehow he still likes me. Hmmm, maybe he’s not so smart…)

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I Drank Unicorn Pee and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

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I Drank Unicorn Pee and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt @foxywinepocket

Last weekend I was in Portland, Oregon (my second home) visiting my dear friends, John and David. (Oh, I was also rehearsing for the local production of Listen to Your Mother. If you’re in the area, you should definitely get tickets to see that show.)

Anyhow, John and David took me to a neighborhood bar where we hung out with drinks each other, exchanged silly stories, and made fun of enjoyed the Karaoke performances.

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Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party

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Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party @foxywinepocket.com

There are two important things to know before you read this story:

  1. I have some amazing freighbors (friends + neighbors) who throw ridiculously fun parties.
  2. I lost my beloved nut bowl two years ago at one of these parties.

Okay, now the story. This year’s New Year’s party was actually held on Friday, January 2—a brilliant strategy to ensure everyone could attend (and have adequate recovery time). Last year we had a Dead Celebrity theme. This year’s theme was Matchy-Matchy. Inspired by this bit of awesome ridiculousness.

Two of my freighbors teamed up with Mr. Foxy and myself to create DEVO. (Please tell me you remember DEVO and that I’m not really old.) We bought hats and coordinating outfits. I even bought a whip.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How to Win at Your Next Colonoscopy

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So you need to have a camera shoved up your ass, huh? Don't despair--I’ve compiled a marvelous tip list for y’all so you can win at colonoscopies. @foxywinepocket #humor

So you need to have a camera shoved up your ass, huh? Don’t despair—it happens to all of us eventually. Whether you’re fifty, have a family history of something crappy, or have another ailment that requires you to have a colonoscopy earlier, it’s gonna happen.

As luck would have it, I just had one. As much as I wasn’t looking forward to the procedure, I approached it with the same attitude I do everything: “Crap. Do I HAVE to?!” “I’m going to rock this shit.”

And, because I’m nothing if not helpful, I’ve compiled a marvelous list for y’all so you can win at colonoscopies, too.

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It’s My Party and I’ll Give Away a Book If I Want To

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So today is my birthday. Mr. Foxy made me breakfast in bed to celebrate. Only it wasn’t the delicious food that woke me up—it was the smoke alarm. Apparently he was so tired that he forgot to use the vent while cooking the smoked-salmon hash. Fortunately, our sleepy 6:00 a.m. breakfast was still delicious.

Of course Mr. Foxy let me sleep in a little because it’s my birthday. Also, because I was exhausted after escorting fifty 6th-graders on an all-day field trip yesterday. Followed by a 2-hour School Advisory Council meeting that evening. Seriously, this parenting gig is HARD. (I was going to make a “That’s What She Said” joke, but it seemed vaguely inappropriate given that I was talking about parenting.)

While I don’t have little babies in my house anymore, I’m still damn tired. All. The. Time.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)