Foxy Wine Pocket

Me, uncensored.

How to Be the Best Crappy Tooth Fairy Ever

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I was a crappy tooth fairy. Because of that, I have some honest-to-goodness, save-your-tooth-swapping-ass tips that you’ll never find in any parenting books. Get ready to lower your standards and achieve greatness. @foxywinepocket | humor

Parenting experts want to lecture you on breastfeeding, sleep training, discipline, and all sorts of child-rearing topics. Their unending spew of “helpful” advice can drown you if you’re not careful. Unfortunately they have left several key parenting topics out of their books of lies manuals. Perhaps because the topics are too difficult to tackle. Perhaps the folks are not the experts they claim to be. Perhaps they are just too scared.

Well, I for one am not afraid to discuss the tough stuff. The scary stuff. Like how to be a good Tooth Fairy (or any other mythical creature). I know I was a monumentally crappy tooth fairy, but in hindsight, I have some honest-to-goodness, save-your-tooth-swapping-ass tips that you’ll never find in Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care book.

Get ready to lower your standards and achieve greatness.

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Before You Invite Me to Your House, Read This

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Wherein I explore (and possibly defile) my friend's house while looking for her hidden stash. Isn't this what everyone does? @foxywinepocket

By all outward appearances, I’m an excellent houseguest. I bring hostess gifts (usually salted chocolate caramels from Shurra’s). I’m clean and quiet. I even bring my soiled linens (as in used, not peed on or anything) to the laundry room.

But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t leave me alone in your house.

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How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

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How Much Do You Hate Recitals?

I’m not gonna lie. I was thrilled when my daughter decided to quit dance. Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely loved watching her perform. She’s a beautiful, graceful dancer. (Clearly she did not get that from me.)

But I hate the annual torture known as the dance recital. (Honestly, my colonoscopy was less unpleasant.) I could complain endlessly about those damn recitals, but because I’m a problem solver, I’ve come up with a list of ways to improve them. Check it out on Scary Mommy, and let me know if you have any more brilliant ideas.

Photo Credit: anutaray / 123RF Stock Photo


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I Didn’t Trip and Fall (This Time)

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I Didn't Trip and Fall (This Time) @foxywinepocket

If my life had a bloopers reel, it would contain hundreds (possibly thousands) of scenes of me tripping and falling on my face. In holes. On bumps. Down stairs. UP stairs. Over absolutely nothing at all.

Seriously, I trip about once a week with a spectacular fall at least monthly.

The (possibly) most cringe-worthy spill happened in college. My boyfriend and I went to a fancy restaurant, and there was a staircase leading directly into the middle of the dining room. About halfway down the stairs, my heel caught on the carpet, and I fell to my knees. Fortunately, my hand caught the railing so I was able to hoist myself back up fairly quickly (and without too many people noticing). But then I took one more step and fell AGAIN. This time I didn’t catch myself, and I slid on my knees down several stairs as the entire room of fancy diners watched. I was able to grab a hold of the railing, only my bracelet got stuck on something. It broke and flew across the room. Along with my dignity.

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I Just Want a Frakkin’ Cup of Coffee

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I Just Want a Frakking Cup of Coffee @foxywinepocket

I’m a simple girl, with simple needs. Okay, that’s total bullshit, but my caffeine needs are simple. I like coffee, and I like a lot of it.

I’m incredibly spoiled because Mr. Foxy makes a pot of magic brew every morning, which is a good thing because when left to my own devices, shit like this happens.

Recently I had coffee with my friend Andy from Almost Coherent Parent. He’s also a writer. Only he’s a much better one than I am. And he’s super smart. (But somehow he still likes me. Hmmm, maybe he’s not so smart…)

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I Drank Unicorn Pee and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

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I Drank Unicorn Pee and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt @foxywinepocket

Last weekend I was in Portland, Oregon (my second home) visiting my dear friends, John and David. (Oh, I was also rehearsing for the local production of Listen to Your Mother. If you’re in the area, you should definitely get tickets to see that show.)

Anyhow, John and David took me to a neighborhood bar where we hung out with drinks each other, exchanged silly stories, and made fun of enjoyed the Karaoke performances.

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Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party

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Whips, Dips, and Other Ways to Party @foxywinepocket.com

There are two important things to know before you read this story:

  1. I have some amazing freighbors (friends + neighbors) who throw ridiculously fun parties.
  2. I lost my beloved nut bowl two years ago at one of these parties.

Okay, now the story. This year’s New Year’s party was actually held on Friday, January 2—a brilliant strategy to ensure everyone could attend (and have adequate recovery time). Last year we had a Dead Celebrity theme. This year’s theme was Matchy-Matchy. Inspired by this bit of awesome ridiculousness.

Two of my freighbors teamed up with Mr. Foxy and myself to create DEVO. (Please tell me you remember DEVO and that I’m not really old.) We bought hats and coordinating outfits. I even bought a whip.

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How to Win at Your Next Colonoscopy

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So you need to have a camera shoved up your ass, huh? Don't despair--I’ve compiled a marvelous tip list for y’all so you can win at colonoscopies. @foxywinepocket #humor

So you need to have a camera shoved up your ass, huh? Don’t despair—it happens to all of us eventually. Whether you’re fifty, have a family history of something crappy, or have another ailment that requires you to have a colonoscopy earlier, it’s gonna happen.

As luck would have it, I just had one. As much as I wasn’t looking forward to the procedure, I approached it with the same attitude I do everything: “Crap. Do I HAVE to?!” “I’m going to rock this shit.”

And, because I’m nothing if not helpful, I’ve compiled a marvelous list for y’all so you can win at colonoscopies, too.

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Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)