Things to Know Before Accidentally Exposing a Sex Abuse Scandal

Hello? *tap, tap, tap* Is this thing on?

Oh hey. Remember me? It’s Foxy. I used to tell you funny stories. Well, I’m still here, and I still like to write ridiculous shit. I’m still collecting phallic Cheetos, snuggling with my rescue puppies, and enjoying all things wine and bacon. Alas, I have a new hobby—apparently—which is to inadvertently uncover decades-long sexual misconduct scandals and make myself a public target for hate speech and victim shaming.

I wish I were kidding on that last one.

See, I’ve been writing more non-humor over the past year or so. (Believe it or not, I can get serious.) I’ve published several essays about my brother’s suicide, which definitely fall into the NOT AT ALL FUNNY category. You are welcome to read both “Hide and Seek” and “Reclaiming Lost Love.” Just keep a box of tissues nearby. And maybe a basket of puppies.

I also shared my #MeToo story on The Washington Post in an OpEd about the many ways sexual abuse survivors find healing. Even though I’d written about closure, all hell broke loose. While I hadn’t disclosed any names, dozens of women recognized my abuser and the school and came forward with their own accounts of childhood sexual abuse at that very same school. I suddenly found myself at the epicenter of a ginormous scandal. So I became an advocate for the victims and for student safety, and it became (more than) a full-time job.

Throughout the whole ordeal, I’ve learned a few things, and because I’m nothing if not helpful, I’m going to share some key learnings so you’re prepared for when you unintentionally unearth a sexual abuse scandal of your very own.

It will hijack your life. When you learn that over a dozen predators got away with abusing 35+ girls and that at least twenty people who should have called the police, didn’t actually do so, it will break your heart into a million little pieces. Trying to make sense of it all tends to consume all of your time and energy. Don’t fight it. Lean into it. Channel your rage, hurt, and disgust to help other people. As an added bonus, you can use the sudden disappearance of your free time as an excuse to order take-out every night or to skip cleaning your house for months.

You’re going to have to talk to people. I know. It’s hard. I hate peopling too. But when exposing decades of criminal behavior and calling for leadership and policy changes, conversing with actual humans is required. School administrators, the police, reporters, church officials, government peeps—you’ll want to talk with them all. Repeatedly. Maybe camp out on their doorsteps. You might even need to get a little loud and a little creative, perhaps by testifying in support of new legislation, presenting to local organizations, and being interviewed for documentaries.

Social media is your friend. All that time you used to spend procrastinating hard at work on social media will come in very handy with the newly discovered wrongdoings. Sometimes, people don’t want to hear what you have to say, and they will refuse to listen to the facts. Social media can help deliver your message. After I was publicly called a liar by school leadership and repeatedly denied a meeting with the board, I created a website and social media accounts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to help convey mine. BOOM.

They’re probably going to remove you from their mailing list. Sadly, you won’t receive exciting alumni updates or faculty news, but just think—no more donation requests! (Actually they still asked me for a donation after the whole thing blew up.) It also means you probably won’t be invited to the next all-alumnae reunion. If you decide to go anyhow (because you’ve got labes of steel), your side of the venue will probably be deserted. Choose your seat carefully—maybe one by the bar or close to the good snacks.

 

You’re going to lose some friends. It’s inevitable in these types of situations. Yeah, it might sting a little, but if they’re defending sexual predators and/or the people who covered up sexual abuse, you don’t want them as friends anyhow. Seriously, fuck the haters. (But not literally.) You’ll make up for it by meeting new friends. Ones who become advocates with you. Ones who aren’t afraid to make some noise. Ones who make you superhero capes and shit.

I love you, Keli.

You will need to take a shower daily. I know, this sounds damn-near impossible, but you need to do it. Whenever the school releases a scathing or misleading statement about you to the press, reporters are going to want to talk to you RIGHTNOW, not later after you’ve washed your hair. Be ready for it. And maybe wear something besides lounge pants every day, just in case.

You’re gonna need a bigger truck. Your critics can shut off the news and turn off their computers, but it’s really hard to ignore a giant fucking banner facing them on their way to a school board meeting or a donor function. My car is too small for this banner, but fortunately for everyone, my mom has a nice big truck.

My critics might liken me to herpes, but I see myself as glitter—no matter how hard you try, you can’t get rid of me. Also, I sparkle.

Self-care is important. People are going to be pretty awful to you so remember to take good care of yourself. I’ve received hate mail, threats, and harassing private messages. I been called a “disgruntled alum,” a “liar,” an “opportunist,” and even “one of the most hated people in San Jose.” Now, I grew up with four older brothers, so deflecting verbal abuse seems to be my super power, but in case you didn’t, maybe schedule a massage, take a walk in nature, or bathe in a giant vat of vodka. Then you too can get creative with your hate mail.

I hung it right by my writing desk—for inspiration.

It. Goes. So. Slowly. As difficult as it is to believe, some people just don’t want to face the truth, and they don’t want to do the right thing. (Even when they’re nuns. Go figure.) So you’re going to have to be patient. And persistent AF. It’s been a year and a half for me, and we’ve made some good progress. The school has enacted some policy changes (you know, like follow the fucking law), and two former administrators at the heart of the scandal have since left their positions. But the school leadership has yet to take any responsibility, initiate an independent investigation, or have a compassionate response to the victims. So, I’ve got some more work to do. *rolls up sleeves and orders megaphone and another giant banner*

[ETA: The new school president has since issued a sincere apology and initiated an external investigation. We’ll see what happens when the investigation concludes—I may need to buy my own big-ass truck.]

I’m not gonna lie—advocacy work is fucking exhausting, and it hasn’t left me a lot of time for personal writing. But it is incredibly rewarding. And rest assured, I’m still doing weird shit, and I can’t wait to tell you all about the shenanigans. In the meantime, here’s a picture of a hard cock.

It was a gift from Aunt Ramona. Because of course it was.

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46 Responses

  1. You are amazing! This cover up of sexual abuse has been going on for far too long. Bravo to you for speaking up,and anyone who deserts you for it,isn’t worth your time! And they weren’t a friend to begin with.

    1. Thank you. There’s one loss in particular that really stings, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that she must have been a “friend.” xoxo

  2. Foxy – been following this through my wife (a fellow classmate of yours) and I want to give you the biggest virtual hug you ever got. Don’t stop. You are leading the good fight.

  3. I am proud of you for what you are doing, and if enablers and those who fear backlash want to shun you so be it, but it hurts to know phony friends were just that. Laura lost her job at Willow Glen High because of helicopter parents appointed “parent producers” became control freaks and got her not only fired but banned from San Jose Unified School District for life. This pales in comparison to sexual abuse and subsequent cover up, as well as having your life scrutinized and being hated, but shows how evil people can be. I am sorry you and your family are being dragged through the mud for doing the right thing, but keep doing the right thing. Some change has taken place at Pres, albeit not enough. Presentation people, get your heads out of the sand and back Kate instead of perpetuating a culture of evil.

    1. I’m so sorry for what happened to Laura, and I’m so appreciative of all your continued support. xoxo

  4. quite often, what is Right is Hard. In the end, you have to live with yourself. Good for you and f*** those that don’t like it.

    1. Indeed. It’s been an excellent lesson for my kids–that doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but you do it anyway. xoxo

  5. Entertaining, real AF, and inspirational as usual. You are making a difference in so many ways. Proud to call you a friend — even though it’s mainly just online. We are listening. ❤️

    1. Thank you, Cathy. And thank you for your continued support. Eventually my kids will learn to drive, and I will be able to attend more fun events. xoxo

  6. Hilarious & witty for such a difficult, heartbreaking, scandalous topic. Fight on !! When I grow up, I want to be you!

    1. If I don’t laugh, I’d collapse in a heap of rage and despair. Thank you for fighting with me. xoxo

  7. You are so strong, so courageous. I wish I were just a smidge as strong as you. This is such a powerful story and I’m in awe and gratitude for the work that has been accomplished, thanks to you. All the love to each survivor ❤️??

  8. You are my hero! Labes of steel, that truck and speaking out! You’re right haters gonna hate, but YOU are in the right and hopefully others will see your bravery and be encouraged to be brave also. Well done.

  9. Even in the hardest of times you have not lost yourself and your sense of humor. You are a force to be reckoned with and I am so glad to be on the RIGHT SIDE of this with you. May all of your efforts, tears and countless hours be praised as truth and victory prevail.

  10. You Are A Boss! And, hilarious to boot. What’s not to love? Seriously. Go get ‘em gurl!

    Chaaaaarge,

    Vicki

  11. I’m on my phone, which inevitably creates problems when I try to leave comments. But I had to.

    You’re amazing.
    That is all.
    Also I love you and I’m proud to be your friend.

  12. Hey your poop hero friend here. Let me know if I need to make you a T-Shirt for you. Love your writing. Both funny and serious.

  13. So awe-struck by all your advocacy work! You rock, lady! Fight the good fight in that big-ass truck of your mama’s! As frustrating as this whole situation has been for you and everyone involved, I’m so happy to see your sense of humor is still razor sharp and firmly in tact!

  14. You are the best, Foxy! Love you, your fight, your resilience, your strength, your friendship, your awesome writing, fabulous sense of humor, your Aunt Ramona, and so much more. Muah!

  15. Way to go, Foxy! Love you, your fight, your resilience, your strength, your friendship, your writing, your fabulous sense of humor, your Aunt Ramona, and so much more. Muah!

  16. I am SO PROUD to know you. I’m awed by your strength and your heart and your spirit. You are inspiring and brave and stubborn and good. I know sometimes it’s the insults that seem to stick in our minds, but I hope you always remember the many wonderful things you are.

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