Parenting?

Bless the Baby, but Fuck All the Fluids

With a few weeks left in my first pregnancy, my bladder broke. Like, I literally couldn’t stop the pee.

Fortunately, I was sitting on the toilet when it happened. I’d just finished peeing for the thousandth time that day and started to wipe when more liquid shot out. I wiped again, and even more came out. As I sat there contemplating wearing an adult diaper for the next few weeks, I noticed the tissue was slightly pinkish, not yellow. I gave it a quick sniff (barf) and confirmed it wasn’t urine.

Relief at not facing incontinence led to the horror that my water bag was busted. Impossible! I just started maternity leave! I still have three-and-a-half weeks to go! I haven’t packed my hospital bag!

I called my husband multiple times. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer because he was in class so I called my friend, Carrie, who lived close by. She was thirty-four weeks pregnant with her third child. She would know what to do.

“Hang tight,” she said. “I’ll be right there.” I attached a ginormous maxi pad to my underwear, grabbed my keys, and waited by the door. Slowly dripping like an old faucet with a broken washer.

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Beware of Killer Tampons

By Foxy

“Did you get it in yet?” My best friend whisper-screamed through the gap in the school bathroom stall.

“No. I can’t seem to find the hole.” My twelve-year-old hands shook, and I dropped a second tampon in the toilet. “Shit.”

“Well, that should only happen if you put it in the wrong hole,” my feminine-hygiene-product dealer joked.

My voice tinged with hysteria. “I just can’t figure out how to get it in.”

Her voice was calm; clearly she’d put many a period plug up her hot pocket. “Look, I gave you three. Why don’t you try the last one at home.”

That thought terrified me. “Maybe … but my mom will kill me if she finds out I’m using tampons.”

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A Snake, an Ass, and a Chupacabra Walk into a Bar

By Foxy

Recently my teenage daughter asked us to join her in GISHWHES (the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen). This was a BIG ask. It required me to leave my house. To put on pants. To people. (I don’t people well.)

But my teenager asked so the only answer was, “Of course I will!” Which is probably what the creators intended. To bring people together and get them out of their comfort zones.

I approached this hunt like I do many things: reluctantly LABES OUT.

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Rejected Bandages and Other Badges of Motherhood

By Foxy

“Bacon is my favorite long food!” At age three, my son gifted me one of my proudest mommy moments:

My child could properly categorize food, and he appreciated one of the most magical flavors in the world.

Not that I’m biased, but bacon really is the best long food. And flat food. And able-to-be-crumbled food. I’ve been known to mix it with nuts. Put it in pancakes. And create an entire dinner party menu in which every single dish—from appetizers to dessert—includes bacon.

To celebrate my son’s newfound enthusiasm for cured pork and to support his insatiable bandage habit (he goes through approximately 20,000 each week), I purchased a shit-ton of, you guessed it, bacon bandages.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

10 Ways We Delude Ourselves When The Kids Go Back To School

By Foxy

Oh, we think we are going to get so much accomplished once this kids go back to school. HAHAHA!!! @foxywinepocket | humor | back to school

After a long summer break, your kids have finally started school again. You’ve got big plans and an endless supply of motivation. You are going to be hyper productive and complete ALLOFTHETHINGS on your ever-growing to-do list.

Well, I’ve got news for you. You, like the rest of us, are probably deluding yourself. The cold, hard reality is, you’ll likely never achieve those back-to-school goals.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

8 Sucky Things Tweens Do That Are Actually Awesome

By Foxy

My 12-year-old daughter wanted to paint her bedroom black. Instead of screaming “Hell, no!” I offered grey as a compromise. Fortunately that color was different enough from her “baby-ish” lavender walls, and she readily agreed.

My little girl is gone, and now I have a tween, which is awesome—even though tweens can suck. But they suck for good reason.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

25 Annoying Things About Parenthood

By Foxy

Dude. Parenthood sucks--in so many ways. But, still, we love it. @foxywinepocket | humor | parenting

Yes, we all signed up to be parents, and for the most part, we love it. (Keep saying that over and over again until you believe it.) But there are some very irritating parts about this parenthood gig—things you want to sling poo at (just like your toddler does, which is also really annoying).

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

The Really Important Chapters Missing From Parenting Manuals

By Foxy

Those parenting manuals? They miss the really important crap. But I've got you covered. @foxywinepocket | humor | parenting

Parenting books seem to focus on the very basic aspects of raising babies and toddlers and gloss over the really important things—like how to change a squirming child in the back of your minivan after a diaper blowout and how to deal with teenage angst and heartbreak.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

13 Strategies For Parenting Your Tweens (That Worked On Your Toddlers)

By Foxy

Tweens and toddlers suck in many of the same ways. Fortunately, that means the parenting techniques that worked for your toddlers can also help with your tweens. @foxywinepocket | humor

The “sweet spot” of parenting abruptly comes to a halt when your child becomes a tween. It’s loud and messy and sometimes very ugly. Ah, the cacophony of the tweenage years.

Tweens are often compared to oversized toddlers – and for good reason. Both toddlers and tweens are going through an intense period of growth: emotionally, physically, and mentally. Both are learning who they are, pushing limits, and trying out new skills.

Fortunately, you are already well-equipped to handle this new territory. Because, with a few adaptations, the parenting techniques that worked for your toddlers can also help with your tweens:

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How Would You Describe Your Child?

By Foxy

My son's 4th-grade teacher asked me to describe him "in a million words or less." Not sure she was expecting this. @foxywinepocket | humor

My son’s 4th-grade teacher asked me to describe my son in “a million words or less.” I was tempted to send her my coffee table book about him, along with a bottle of wine and the words “Good luck.”

Ultimately, I decided that post didn’t really do my son enough justice, so I wrote something new. I kept it under a million words, though. Here’s what I sent the teacher:

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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