Parenting? – Page 3

9 Vacation Tips from the Trenches

"Family Vacation" in an oxymoron. Some lessons are learned the hard way. @foxywinepocket | humor

“Family Vacation” is the cruelest oxymoron of them all. We parents torture ourselves in the name of fun and in the process end up exhausted, annoyed, and broke. As long as the kids are happy, right? Riiiiiiight…

Spending an extended amount of time and sharing a teeny tiny hotel room with my family recently has given me time to grow and reflect upon how to better handle such an adventure, should it ever (or never) happen again. Here are several lessons I’ve learned:

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15 Bitter Truths About Mothering a Tween Girl

By Foxy

Being the mom of a tween girl is like being on a roller coaster ride. There are highs and lows. Parts that are exhilarating and parts where you grip the handrails and hope you survive. Those parts that suck? You just need to accept them. Consider them your gigantic, foul-tasting horse pills to swallow. (I recommend washing those down with a nice Oregon pinot noir. Or vodka.)

Here are some of those bitter truths you may face:

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Before You Burn Down Your Tween’s Room

By Foxy

Caution: Cleaning your tween's room may be hazardous to your health. Here are some helpful hints to stay safe. @foxywinepocket | humor | parenting | tweens

Normally my kids are in charge of cleaning their own rooms. I believe this chore instills a sense of responsibility and ownership. It helps builds character, and it teaches lessons that will help them become independent adults someday.

Also, I’m lazy, and I don’t want to deal with their messes.

But there are times—maybe once a year or so—when it becomes necessary for me to intervene and clean on their behalf. The times when:

Half of my silverware collection and all of my bowls are missing.
We’re so familiar with the stink emanating from the room that we give it a nickname. “Stenchie’s back” is a common expression in our house.
We’ve been late to school or appointments one too many times because I’ve been searching through my tween’s landfill to help find her [insert any frequently missing item].

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I Can’t Look. You Do It.

By Foxy

Earlier this year I got up on a Portland stage in front of hundreds of people and told one of the most disgusting stories I know.

And they recorded it.

And put it on YouTube.

I had Mr. Foxy watch it to make sure it was actually me in the video. But I can’t bring myself to do so. (At least not sober.)

You do it. And let me know if it’s okay for me to watch.

My thanks to Listen to Your Mother for providing such a wonderful forum for people to tell their stories. Be sure to join me in binge-watching the rest of the videos.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

8 Ways to Eat Crow after You Have Kids

By Foxy

7 Ways to Eat Crow after You Have Kids @foxywinepocket funny | parenting

Parenting was a lot easier before you had kids, right? We understand. We were once perfect parents without children too. There were so many things our offspring would never do: act like a child, behave in a developmentally-appropriate-but-undesirable manner, and willfully disregard our wise parental counsel.

If you’re like us, you probably muttered the phrase, “When I have kids, they’ll never…” a few too many times. Now that you have erratic little shit-disturbers of your own, it’s biting you in the ass. (Don’t worry. Our asses hurt too.) Well, saddle up at the crow-eating table with the rest of us. We’re enjoying a variety of dishes.

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10 Reasons Summer Sucks

By Foxy

10 Reasons Why Summer Sucks

All over the country, moms and dads are counting down the days until the school year is over. They are writing love letters to summer vacation, singing songs of liberation, and rejoicing about the end of all things school-related.

Quite frankly, I don’t get it. ‘Cuz I think summer sucks.

“What?!” you shout with indignation.

Yep, you heard me right. Summer sucks. I mean, sure, I’m going to enjoy sleeping in a wee bit more each day. I will no doubt be relieved to not have school projects that are assigned to my children but end up being my problem. And I won’t experience car-line rage. But overall, the school year is FAR SUPERIOR.

Here’s why summer sucks:

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Motherhood Is Disgusting

By Foxy

Motherhood Is Disgusting @foxywinepocket #humor

It’s such an amazing feeling—bringing home your perfect newborn, in a brand-new outfit, into the beautifully-appointed nursery. Everything is so sparkly and fresh and tidy. But after the umpteenth spit-up, the zillionth dirty diaper, and the inevitable projectile poop, you realize: Crap. Kids are messy. And *I’m* the one who has to clean up after them.

So you look around your now stained and cluttered house, and you methodically adapt to your new reality. You stash baby wipes in every room and purse. You go to IKEA and buy a gajillion bins to store the toys. And you revel in the dog’s ability to clean in and around the high chair after every meal.

But try as you might, you simply can’t fully prepare for every mess.

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I Cancelled Fun and My Son Took It Back

By Foxy

I Cancelled Fun and My Son Took It Back

Some days I’ve got a shorter parenting fuse than others. Last week was one of those times. I went into my daughter’s closet to find a particular item, and I was knocked over by an avalanche of clothing and toys and random crap that she had stuffed in there.

I threw my angry face in her direction and snapped, “WHAT. IS. THAT?! You were supposed to clean your room this weekend.”

I pointed at the carnage and waited for a response.

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Are You a Shower Tyrant Too? (And Some Hot, Steamy News)

By Foxy

Are You a Shower Tyrant Too? @foxywinepocket

When I was in high school, one of my teachers declared her shower off-limits to her husband and children. She told the entire class that no one—NO ONE—was allowed in the shower with her.

The hormonally-charged (read: HORNY) teenager (that would be me) stared perplexedly as she explained her radical shower stance. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand her point—that husbands and wives have different needs and must respect each other’s space. (The shower was only one example.) It was that I couldn’t comprehend not wanting to take a shower with someone.

After all, I had just been caught showering with my boyfriend at summer camp.

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Surviving the Grandparent Hangover

By Foxy

You know that irritating phenomenon known as the Grandparent Hangover? Here are tips for surviving it. | @foxywinepocket | humor | grandparents

No one will love your kids quite like their grandparents. No one will listen to (and actually enjoy) your children’s endless prattle. No one will be as (obnoxiously) proud of even the smallest of accomplishments.

And no one—NO ONE—will indulge your kids quite like their grandparents. Especially when the kids are under their care and supervision.

I hope you enjoyed your kid-free time because after you pick the kids up from Grandma’s house, their whiney, cranky, sugar-infused, over-indulged asses are going to be a pain in yours.

I call this irritating phenomenon, the Grandparent Hangover.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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