#notwinning – Page 2

What Do You Do with Crappy Goldfish?

If you’ve got kids, chances are Goldfish crackers are a staple in your house. (Unless you’re into those expensive organic crackers that you buy at Whole Foods while wearing yoga pants and sipping ethically-traded, locally-sourced coffee with soy milk. But, hey, no judgment.) What do you do when they suck? @foxywinepocket | humor

“Mom, something’s wrong with the Goldfish crackers you gave me.”

My notoriously picky daughter often complains about things being “off” or “bad” when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them.

So, I didn’t believe her. “What? I bought the cheddar ones, not the plain ones. Or the multi-grain ones. Or, God forbid, the multi-colored ones that you hate. They’re the good ole-fashioned highly-processed Goldfish crackers that you love.”

“No,” she argued. “There’s something really wrong with them.”

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Activision Is Ruining My Life

By Foxy

Toys-to-Life video game companies have turned a simple babysitter, errr, activity into a parental torture system designed to steal our money, sanity, and souls. @foxywinepocket | humor | video games

Remember the good ole days when you could send your child to the computer or television to play a video game instead of parenting as a reward for good behavior?

Well, straightforward video games just don’t exist anymore. You can’t just make a single purchase and let your children play until their eyes bleed for thirty minutes. Activision, Disney, Lego, and other video game companies have turned a simple babysitter activity into a parental torture system designed to steal our money, sanity, and souls.

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The Accidental Brazilian

By Foxy

One day, I accidentally gave myself a brazilian. Seriously. @foxywinepocket | humor

I’ve been in a bit of a haze lately. But not so hazy that I don’t keep the nethers tidy. Because pubic hair and panty liner adhesive are not friends. Now, I’m not talking over-the-top-whacko tidy. And certainly not tidy by way of ~~torture~~ waxing. But tidy nonetheless.

So I grabbed Mr. Foxy’s beard trimmer. I’ve done this before. I’m a professional.

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WTF Is on My Face?

By Foxy

I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad. @foxywinepocket | humor

I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad.

It all started a few months ago. At first I thought the ailment was acne. Because Mother Nature is an asshole and continues to punish me with pimples even though I’ve moved to the wrinkle-and-whisker phase of life. I tried covering the infestation with makeup. Only then I had a cake-y, beige-y, hot mess going on.

[Read more…] about WTF Is on My Face?

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Depression and Anxiety Walk into a Bar …

By Foxy

Depression-26283617_s

Okay, I don’t actually have a joke. I’m just awkwardly introducing a different kind of post. See, depression and anxiety have walked back into my life, and they don’t seem to want to leave. Like intrusive houseguests who have overstayed their welcome, they are invading my space and turning me into someone I don’t recognize. (Somebody smells bad in this particular analogy, and I’m pretty sure it’s me.)

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The Good and Bad News about Having a Tweenager

By Foxy

You’ve enjoyed the sweet spot of parenting for several years, but now you’re here in the Tweenager Trenches. I’ve got good news for you … and some bad news. @foxywinepocket | humor | tweenagers

You’ve been enjoying the sweet spot of parenting since your children outgrew the pre-schooler phase, but now you’re wallowing in the Tween Trenches. Well, I’ve got good news for you about your tweenager… and some bad news.

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How to Be the Best Crappy Tooth Fairy Ever

By Foxy

I was a crappy tooth fairy. Because of that, I have some honest-to-goodness, save-your-tooth-swapping-ass tips that you’ll never find in any parenting books. Get ready to lower your standards and achieve greatness. @foxywinepocket | humor

Parenting experts want to lecture you on breastfeeding, sleep training, discipline, and all sorts of child-rearing topics. Their unending spew of “helpful” advice can drown you if you’re not careful. Unfortunately they have left several key parenting topics out of their ~~books of lies~~ manuals. Perhaps because the topics are too difficult to tackle. Perhaps the folks are not the experts they claim to be. Perhaps they are just too scared.

Well, I for one am not afraid to discuss the tough stuff. The scary stuff. Like how to be a good Tooth Fairy (or any other mythical creature). I know I was a monumentally crappy tooth fairy, but in hindsight, I have some honest-to-goodness, save-your-tooth-swapping-ass tips that you’ll never find in Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care book.

Get ready to lower your standards and achieve greatness.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

12 Reasons Why I Didn’t Shower Today

By Foxy

Yeah, I didn't shower today. I've got a list of excuses. What's yours? @foxywinepocket

My Dearest Husband,

Welcome home! I hope you had a wonderful day at work. I know, I know, I look like hell (again) this evening. Honest to goodness, I had every intention of showering today and making myself more presentable, but it just didn’t happen.

There are endless reasons why I didn’t shower today, but here are the first dozen off the top of my head…

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Raisins Are the Herpes of the Baked Goods World

By Foxy

There’s nothing quite so orgasmic as inserting a freshly-baked homemade cookie into my mouth. My tongue delicately caresses the firm exterior. My teeth gently penetrate the crispy butter-and-brown-sugar magic shell until the confection yields to the pressure and releases its warm, oozing delights inside of me. I moan and lick my lips with intense satisfaction.

But the moment you introduce a raisin into that delectable treat? Well, you might as well have served the cookie in a used maxi pad sandwich. Because you just turned it into crap.

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Before You Burn Down Your Tween’s Room

By Foxy

Caution: Cleaning your tween's room may be hazardous to your health. Here are some helpful hints to stay safe. @foxywinepocket | humor | parenting | tweens

Normally my kids are in charge of cleaning their own rooms. I believe this chore instills a sense of responsibility and ownership. It helps builds character, and it teaches lessons that will help them become independent adults someday.

Also, I’m lazy, and I don’t want to deal with their messes.

But there are times—maybe once a year or so—when it becomes necessary for me to intervene and clean on their behalf. The times when:

Half of my silverware collection and all of my bowls are missing.
We’re so familiar with the stink emanating from the room that we give it a nickname. “Stenchie’s back” is a common expression in our house.
We’ve been late to school or appointments one too many times because I’ve been searching through my tween’s landfill to help find her [insert any frequently missing item].

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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