#notwinning – Page 2

Dick Pics and Breadsticks

I recently attended a writer’s conference in Dayton, Ohio. One of the biggest perks of these type of conferences is that you get to spend time drinking networking with your online writing friends in real life. People you otherwise would not meet in-person.

I shared a hotel room with Lola Lolita, and along with Sassypiehole (just call her Sassy—that’s what I do), we attempted to drink all of the wine in the entire city of Dayton. Three days in a row. Fortunately we never passed stage 4 on the scale of drunkenness.

On the last night of the conference, in denial that my time with my friends would be coming to an end, Lola and I held sweet Charlotte hostage in our hotel room, while Quirky Chrissy ordered pizza and breadsticks and poured wine for everyone. (God bless her.)

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The Poop Club

By Foxy

Not to be dramatic or anything, but I almost died last week. Like, I couldn’t walk or talk or even move beyond (barely) breathing. I did cry a lot though. And my insides melted into the mattress as my body tried to incinerate itself with a very high fever. I picked up this nasty bug—named the Erma Flu—at a writer’s conference the week before. And it KICKED. MY. ASS.

[Read more…] about The Poop Club

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What Do You Do with Crappy Goldfish?

By Foxy

If you’ve got kids, chances are Goldfish crackers are a staple in your house. (Unless you’re into those expensive organic crackers that you buy at Whole Foods while wearing yoga pants and sipping ethically-traded, locally-sourced coffee with soy milk. But, hey, no judgment.) What do you do when they suck? @foxywinepocket | humor

“Mom, something’s wrong with the Goldfish crackers you gave me.”

My notoriously picky daughter often complains about things being “off” or “bad” when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them.

So, I didn’t believe her. “What? I bought the cheddar ones, not the plain ones. Or the multi-grain ones. Or, God forbid, the multi-colored ones that you hate. They’re the good ole-fashioned highly-processed Goldfish crackers that you love.”

“No,” she argued. “There’s something really wrong with them.”

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Activision Is Ruining My Life

By Foxy

Toys-to-Life video game companies have turned a simple babysitter, errr, activity into a parental torture system designed to steal our money, sanity, and souls. @foxywinepocket | humor | video games

Remember the good ole days when you could send your child to the computer or television to play a video game instead of parenting as a reward for good behavior?

Well, straightforward video games just don’t exist anymore. You can’t just make a single purchase and let your children play until their eyes bleed for thirty minutes. Activision, Disney, Lego, and other video game companies have turned a simple babysitter activity into a parental torture system designed to steal our money, sanity, and souls.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

The Accidental Brazilian

By Foxy

One day, I accidentally gave myself a brazilian. Seriously. @foxywinepocket | humor

I’ve been in a bit of a haze lately. But not so hazy that I don’t keep the nethers tidy. Because pubic hair and panty liner adhesive are not friends. Now, I’m not talking over-the-top-whacko tidy. And certainly not tidy by way of ~~torture~~ waxing. But tidy nonetheless.

So I grabbed Mr. Foxy’s beard trimmer. I’ve done this before. I’m a professional.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

WTF Is on My Face?

By Foxy

I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad. @foxywinepocket | humor

I’ve got something happening on my face. Something bad. Like red, bumpy, meth-face bad.

It all started a few months ago. At first I thought the ailment was acne. Because Mother Nature is an asshole and continues to punish me with pimples even though I’ve moved to the wrinkle-and-whisker phase of life. I tried covering the infestation with makeup. Only then I had a cake-y, beige-y, hot mess going on.

[Read more…] about WTF Is on My Face?

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

Depression and Anxiety Walk into a Bar …

By Foxy

Depression-26283617_s

Okay, I don’t actually have a joke. I’m just awkwardly introducing a different kind of post. See, depression and anxiety have walked back into my life, and they don’t seem to want to leave. Like intrusive houseguests who have overstayed their welcome, they are invading my space and turning me into someone I don’t recognize. (Somebody smells bad in this particular analogy, and I’m pretty sure it’s me.)

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

The Good and Bad News about Having a Tweenager

By Foxy

You’ve enjoyed the sweet spot of parenting for several years, but now you’re here in the Tweenager Trenches. I’ve got good news for you … and some bad news. @foxywinepocket | humor | tweenagers

You’ve been enjoying the sweet spot of parenting since your children outgrew the pre-schooler phase, but now you’re wallowing in the Tween Trenches. Well, I’ve got good news for you about your tweenager… and some bad news.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

How to Be the Best Crappy Tooth Fairy Ever

By Foxy

I was a crappy tooth fairy. Because of that, I have some honest-to-goodness, save-your-tooth-swapping-ass tips that you’ll never find in any parenting books. Get ready to lower your standards and achieve greatness. @foxywinepocket | humor

Parenting experts want to lecture you on breastfeeding, sleep training, discipline, and all sorts of child-rearing topics. Their unending spew of “helpful” advice can drown you if you’re not careful. Unfortunately they have left several key parenting topics out of their ~~books of lies~~ manuals. Perhaps because the topics are too difficult to tackle. Perhaps the folks are not the experts they claim to be. Perhaps they are just too scared.

Well, I for one am not afraid to discuss the tough stuff. The scary stuff. Like how to be a good Tooth Fairy (or any other mythical creature). I know I was a monumentally crappy tooth fairy, but in hindsight, I have some honest-to-goodness, save-your-tooth-swapping-ass tips that you’ll never find in Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care book.

Get ready to lower your standards and achieve greatness.

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

12 Reasons Why I Didn’t Shower Today

By Foxy

Yeah, I didn't shower today. I've got a list of excuses. What's yours? @foxywinepocket

My Dearest Husband,

Welcome home! I hope you had a wonderful day at work. I know, I know, I look like hell (again) this evening. Honest to goodness, I had every intention of showering today and making myself more presentable, but it just didn’t happen.

There are endless reasons why I didn’t shower today, but here are the first dozen off the top of my head…

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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